My dear friend Jen called me this week and told me a story about her sweet 3-year-old daughter. Jen was talking to her daughter about their plans for the day, and she told her that two of her friends were coming over to play that afternoon. Her daughter is an introvert who often feels overwhelmed by large groups of people, and so in preparation Jen was clarifying that just two friends were coming over. Her daughter nodded and very seriously responded that she was glad it was only two friends, because having lots of friends over made her feel tired. This smart three year old was able to understand and articulate her preferences in a way that many adults cannot. I was impressed!
One of the most popular personality classifications describes people as introverts or extroverts. This classification is based on where people draw their energy from- their inside world or the outside environment. Introverts are energized by time alone, while extroverts are energized by time with others. Everyone has some introverted parts to them and some extroverted parts, yet everyone has a primary and dominant preference. So, while at some times and in some situations you may prefer alone time, if overall you feel energized and recharged by social interactions, overall you are an extrovert. Being an introvert or an extrovert is not good or bad, and one preference is not better than the other. These are personality descriptors that tell us how we best function and prefer to engage the world.
Introverts prefer to do things by themselves or with one or two special friends or family members. They enjoy time alone, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to function best. They usually prefer to process events, experiences, and conversations internally before they are able and willing to discuss them with someone else. They often have a strong sense of personal space and do not like people to sit or stand too close to them. One of my favorite lines from an introvert to her extroverted spouse is “I love you, and I can love you from over here!” as she scooted an inch or so more away from him on the couch. Introverts also prefer uninterrupted work time, where they can focus on the task in front of them without being distracted by others.
Extroverts prefer to do things with other people. They are energized by being in a group. They want to tell you about their experiences as soon as possible, and they often think by talking. Sometimes extroverts are surprised by what they are saying, as they verbalize something in the same instant that they become aware of the thought or emotion. Extroverts need a great deal of approval and affirmation. They are energized by time with people, feedback, and time to talk.
One of the biggest misconceptions I often hear about these personality types is that introverts are shy and retiring while extroverts are outgoing and gregarious. I have known several very outgoing introverts who are perfectly comfortable public speaking, interacting with a crowd, and meeting new people. However, these experiences tend to be very draining for them, and after a busy social time they need time alone to recharge. Conversely, a quieter extrovert may not be the life of the party and may be terrified by the idea of speaking in front of a large group of people. However, the extrovert needs social activities to feel energized and they think and process best through social and relational interactions.
I have found that for most people it is very helpful to understand themselves as an introvert or an extrovert. Understanding ourselves can help us take care of ourselves better. If introversion and extroversion are about where we derive energy, then they tell us about our energy needs. And, when we understand what energizes and depletes us, we can help monitor and care for our energy needs like we do our nutritional and sleep needs.
I know that some people read about “caring for your energy needs,” and immediately assume that it doing so is selfish or frivolous. But I would argue that by understanding how we best operate, we can prepare ourselves to love and serve most genuinely and effectively.
Let me provide two examples that are particularly relevant to this season. For an extrovert, winter in snowy climates (particularly rural, snowy climates) can be an unpleasant time. Weather may limit activities and make it hard to get out and engage in regular social activities. This lack of social interaction can leave an extrovert feeling empty, drained, cranky, and isolated. Understanding that these feelings may be coming from a lack of social interaction can be a helpful first step. And, taking steps to ensure regular relational interaction can keep some of these feelings at bay. You may set up weekly phone dates, be sure to take advantage of the days when the weather is good, or be more conscientious about making family time more of an engaging, social time instead of time spent together but not interacting.
Alternately, the holiday season can be very draining for an introvert. Christmas parties, time with extended family, and limited down time can be very taxing. The introvert may end up feeling exhausted, even on Christmas vacation. Understanding that you need some time alone can be crucial. You can try to find time for some alone time, even in the midst of a busy family vacation. You may volunteer to drive to the gas station to get milk, ask if you can sneak away for a 30 minute nap (where you may stay wide awake, but still have quiet time), or get up a bit early in the morning to enjoy the time before the chaos starts. These steps can help make your Christmas more enjoyable for you and help you engage others in a more kind, loving way.
Understanding your temperament and taking steps to meet your energy needs can help you better care for yourself and others. When you feel emotionally energized you can respond more patiently to stress, give more genuinely to those around you, and feel more relaxed and happy.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
An Ode to No
As the mother of a 19-month-old, I hear and say the word “no” very frequently. In fact, I’ve decided that my assignment for people who say they have a hard time saying “no” is to spend a day with an active toddler. You get lots of practice!
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Christmas Conflict
The day after Thanksgiving is a big day at my parent’s house. It is not Black Friday shopping deals that lure everyone out of bed and into the cold…it’s the hunt for the perfect Christmas tree. The whole day is filled with traditions and rituals that mark the beginning of the Christmas season. It’s a big deal, and has always been one of my favorite days of the year. In my mind, Christmas trees go up right after Thanksgiving.
My husband’s family has an entirely different set of Christmas traditions and rituals, and part of their tradition is that the tree goes up much closer to Christmas day. When my husband first heard how early my family put the tree up, he thought it sounded rather ridiculous.
I do not share this story to further ignite the ever-popular “when should the tree go up?” debate, but as a reminder of the marital conflict that often emerges around the Christmas season. Somehow, what ideally would be a time of celebration and gratitude often turns into a time of snippy conversations and hurt feelings.
You’ve probably heard it said that we all enter marriage with baggage. Well, one of those bags should probably be labeled “Christmas.” Because I can guarantee you that both you and your partner came into the relationship with powerful experiences and expectations about the holiday season. Perhaps December was the one time of the year when your family spent quality time together. Maybe you were given wonderful gifts, and always felt treasured and valued at Christmas time. Or maybe Christmas was more often filled with disappointment and bitterness. Whatever your set of experiences, you brought your Christmas baggage with you into your marriage, and some of it gets unpacked each and every holiday season. This baggage can often lead to conflict, and these conflicts tend to intensify when there are children involved. So how do you keep your Christmas as conflict-free as possible?
The first step is to understand the Christmas baggage that is present in your family. Set aside time to sit and talk about what Christmas was like for you and your spouse when you were growing up. What traditions did your family have? What was your best Christmas ever? What was your worst Christmas ever? What conflicts did you witness your own parents dealing with? What Christmas traditions feel important to you? What values come to mind when you think about Christmas?
As you are discussing the ghosts of Christmas past, really listen to your spouse. Ask questions and seek to gather more information. Why are certain things so important? At first it may seem strange to you that putting an orange in the bottom of every stocking feels critically important to your spouse. However, as you listen, you may learn that generations of his or her family have done this, and this small tradition creates a sense of history and connection that are incredibly valuable. So listen closely and try to hear your spouse’s heart.
The second important discussion involves what you want Christmas to look like for your family. Begin by exploring what values feel most important to honor during this season. For example, you may identify celebrating Christ, spending time with extended family, and giving to those in need. These key values will help give you direction as you plan out your holidays and choose which traditions feel important. This intentional and thoughtful planning can help eliminate much of the conflict many couples experience.
Throughout these conversations, I encourage you to think about how you can be generous to your spouse. Perhaps you still don’t fully understand why she won’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving or why he insists on making pancakes on Christmas Eve even though they are never ready on time and the kids end up eating Pop Tarts first. Can you choose to genuinely love your spouse by honoring these traditions?
One of the most significant arenas of conflict usually involves extended family and in-laws, and how to deal with and respond to family beyond your own nuclear family unit. In fact, much of the Christmas baggage usually ties directly to extended family or in-laws. Even as adults, it is important to honor your parents. Christmas is a wonderfully opportunity to love and cherish the larger family that you have been blessed with. And, it is important to remember that as a husband and wife, your primary responsibility is to one another and to your children. When thinking about Christmas plans and traditions, work to consider your nuclear family and their well-being first, and then extend your thoughts.
Perhaps Christmas has never been a source of conflict or tension in your marriage. However, your partnership can still be strengthened by having these conversations and remembering these principles.
My husband’s family has an entirely different set of Christmas traditions and rituals, and part of their tradition is that the tree goes up much closer to Christmas day. When my husband first heard how early my family put the tree up, he thought it sounded rather ridiculous.
I do not share this story to further ignite the ever-popular “when should the tree go up?” debate, but as a reminder of the marital conflict that often emerges around the Christmas season. Somehow, what ideally would be a time of celebration and gratitude often turns into a time of snippy conversations and hurt feelings.
You’ve probably heard it said that we all enter marriage with baggage. Well, one of those bags should probably be labeled “Christmas.” Because I can guarantee you that both you and your partner came into the relationship with powerful experiences and expectations about the holiday season. Perhaps December was the one time of the year when your family spent quality time together. Maybe you were given wonderful gifts, and always felt treasured and valued at Christmas time. Or maybe Christmas was more often filled with disappointment and bitterness. Whatever your set of experiences, you brought your Christmas baggage with you into your marriage, and some of it gets unpacked each and every holiday season. This baggage can often lead to conflict, and these conflicts tend to intensify when there are children involved. So how do you keep your Christmas as conflict-free as possible?
The first step is to understand the Christmas baggage that is present in your family. Set aside time to sit and talk about what Christmas was like for you and your spouse when you were growing up. What traditions did your family have? What was your best Christmas ever? What was your worst Christmas ever? What conflicts did you witness your own parents dealing with? What Christmas traditions feel important to you? What values come to mind when you think about Christmas?
As you are discussing the ghosts of Christmas past, really listen to your spouse. Ask questions and seek to gather more information. Why are certain things so important? At first it may seem strange to you that putting an orange in the bottom of every stocking feels critically important to your spouse. However, as you listen, you may learn that generations of his or her family have done this, and this small tradition creates a sense of history and connection that are incredibly valuable. So listen closely and try to hear your spouse’s heart.
The second important discussion involves what you want Christmas to look like for your family. Begin by exploring what values feel most important to honor during this season. For example, you may identify celebrating Christ, spending time with extended family, and giving to those in need. These key values will help give you direction as you plan out your holidays and choose which traditions feel important. This intentional and thoughtful planning can help eliminate much of the conflict many couples experience.
Throughout these conversations, I encourage you to think about how you can be generous to your spouse. Perhaps you still don’t fully understand why she won’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving or why he insists on making pancakes on Christmas Eve even though they are never ready on time and the kids end up eating Pop Tarts first. Can you choose to genuinely love your spouse by honoring these traditions?
One of the most significant arenas of conflict usually involves extended family and in-laws, and how to deal with and respond to family beyond your own nuclear family unit. In fact, much of the Christmas baggage usually ties directly to extended family or in-laws. Even as adults, it is important to honor your parents. Christmas is a wonderfully opportunity to love and cherish the larger family that you have been blessed with. And, it is important to remember that as a husband and wife, your primary responsibility is to one another and to your children. When thinking about Christmas plans and traditions, work to consider your nuclear family and their well-being first, and then extend your thoughts.
Perhaps Christmas has never been a source of conflict or tension in your marriage. However, your partnership can still be strengthened by having these conversations and remembering these principles.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Seasons
Around this time of year, you start to hear people talking about “the holiday season” and people start wishing you “Seasons Greetings.” It seems that around October a flurry of season-focused activity begins. The weather changes, the leaves light up and drift down, and the days become shorter. It’s Halloween, and then before you know it, Thanksgiving preparations are under way. You hear Christmas music in stores and begin to anticipate the first real snow. It’s the holiday season, the time of year focused on, well, the holidays.
All the talk of seasons has made me think of seasons of life. As we spend our days and our years, we pass through different seasons, times where our experiences, needs, and service are focused in specific and unique ways. Think about the differences between the phases of life of parents with preschoolers and retired grandparents. The demands, troubles, and joys are completely different in these vastly different seasons.
And just as our lives go through different seasons as we grow and mature, our hearts and souls go through different seasons, periods where the needs and experiences of our hearts are unique. Sometimes these heart seasons are heavily influenced by life events; the loss of a loved one, the consuming joy of a new love, distance in key relationships, or times of financial blessing. Other times these heart seasons seem to come organically from our hearts themselves. Nothing significant is happening, but our hearts feel abnormally dry and sad, or inexplicably bursting with joy.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
I see great value in identifying the season of life we are in. In fact, I believe that some of the pain we experience comes from denying the reality of the season we are in and trying to live as though we were in a different period. For example, I was recently talking to some of the most generous people I know. They are currently in a season where the demands of their family and marriage are high, and they are worn out. They are beginning to see that they cannot live like they could in the last season they walked through, where their family demands were lighter and they had more time and more emotional resources. It can be difficult to make those adjustments, to see the phase you are in and recognize that in some ways you may need to reprioritize.
Similarly, you may take a step back and realize that the season of life you are in comes with an abundance of resources. Perhaps you no longer have children living at home, and you find yourself with some extra hours in the day. Perhaps you are in a period of peace and abundance in your family, and you see that you could open your home to friends and community members.
Some of the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3 is in recognizing that there many different seasons, seasons of life and seasons of the heart. There is a time to give and a time to receive, a time to weep and a time to rejoice, a time to spend and a time to save, a time to save and a time to give. These seasons are temporary. Some feel very short, like fall in New England, which seems to evaporate quickly into winter. Some feel very long, like the first months of a new baby’s life where parents get very little sleep. But all are passing and temporary, and the season you are in now will soon pass to another. What season are you living? What are the unique needs and limitations you experience for this season, and how can you give yourself grace as you walk through it? What resources and abundance do you have to share as you journey through this unique season of your life?
All the talk of seasons has made me think of seasons of life. As we spend our days and our years, we pass through different seasons, times where our experiences, needs, and service are focused in specific and unique ways. Think about the differences between the phases of life of parents with preschoolers and retired grandparents. The demands, troubles, and joys are completely different in these vastly different seasons.
And just as our lives go through different seasons as we grow and mature, our hearts and souls go through different seasons, periods where the needs and experiences of our hearts are unique. Sometimes these heart seasons are heavily influenced by life events; the loss of a loved one, the consuming joy of a new love, distance in key relationships, or times of financial blessing. Other times these heart seasons seem to come organically from our hearts themselves. Nothing significant is happening, but our hearts feel abnormally dry and sad, or inexplicably bursting with joy.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
I see great value in identifying the season of life we are in. In fact, I believe that some of the pain we experience comes from denying the reality of the season we are in and trying to live as though we were in a different period. For example, I was recently talking to some of the most generous people I know. They are currently in a season where the demands of their family and marriage are high, and they are worn out. They are beginning to see that they cannot live like they could in the last season they walked through, where their family demands were lighter and they had more time and more emotional resources. It can be difficult to make those adjustments, to see the phase you are in and recognize that in some ways you may need to reprioritize.
Similarly, you may take a step back and realize that the season of life you are in comes with an abundance of resources. Perhaps you no longer have children living at home, and you find yourself with some extra hours in the day. Perhaps you are in a period of peace and abundance in your family, and you see that you could open your home to friends and community members.
Some of the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3 is in recognizing that there many different seasons, seasons of life and seasons of the heart. There is a time to give and a time to receive, a time to weep and a time to rejoice, a time to spend and a time to save, a time to save and a time to give. These seasons are temporary. Some feel very short, like fall in New England, which seems to evaporate quickly into winter. Some feel very long, like the first months of a new baby’s life where parents get very little sleep. But all are passing and temporary, and the season you are in now will soon pass to another. What season are you living? What are the unique needs and limitations you experience for this season, and how can you give yourself grace as you walk through it? What resources and abundance do you have to share as you journey through this unique season of your life?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Offering Support
Have you ever had a friend who was hurting or struggling and you wanted to help but didn’t know what to do? Maybe you even asked, “How can I help? What can I do?” and your friend didn’t really have an answer. We don’t want to invade or push boundaries, and so we end up just watching, feeling helpless when all we want to do is be helpful.
In extreme situations, like death and tragedy, people seem to know what to do to offer love, support, and help. In the best case scenarios friends and families “circle the wagons,” churches rush in to help, and people feel well-loved and cared for. But sometimes it is hard to know how to best love someone who is in pain. This is certainly true when there is no tragedy present, but life is just hard. We see our friends hurting, and we want be supportive, we’re just not sure what to do. We offer to help, ask our friends if they need anything, and say all the kind words we can think of. We tell our friends we’re praying for them, and we do. These are wonderful places to start, but sometimes we’re left feeling like we want to do more, we just don’t know what.
There are ways that we can practically love and support someone who is struggling, who is walking through a difficult time. The first step is to think about what you know about your friend. I have found three questions very useful in trying to determine how to best support someone. First, what is their personality type? Do they open their home to anybody or are they more private? Do they seem energized by social gatherings, or do they highly prize their alone time? A person who is extroverted and loves to get out may be encouraged by an impromptu dinner with friends or a “Girl’s Night Out.” A more introverted individual may appreciate your help in clearing space in their life for some alone time, whether by offering babysitting or helping with some household chores.
Second, how does this person tend to offer help to others? Often the ways that we love others offers important information about how we want to be loved. Does your friend always send thoughtful cards or flowers? Are they the first to show up with a home-cooked meal or to hug someone who is crying? These may be the very ways that your friend would best receive love and support.
And finally, think about things you know your friend likes. Is your friend’s day brightened by a fountain drink from the gas station? Does she treat herself with a chocolate dessert on Friday nights? Is music an important part of his life? These preferences and idiosyncrasies can serve as a springboard for excellent ideas on how to best encourage and bless your friend.
Maybe you don’t know the answers to these questions, or are still feeling uncertain about what to do. I have spent time with a lot of people who are in pain, and I have heard many stories about how others have offered care and support. There are certain things that almost everyone appreciates and interprets as loving and supportive.
• Make a meal. If possible, make something that can be frozen or will last in the refrigerator for a few days. This way they can eat it whenever they want it.
• Is the person you want to help a parent with young children? Offer to babysit. If the children are young and still need naps, it might be most helpful to go to the person’s house and watch the kids there while the parent(s) run errands, get coffee, take a nap, take a shower…or whatever else they want and need to do.
• Send or bring flowers. With very few exceptions, everyone (even men!) appreciates getting flowers.
• Tell them you would like to clean their house, not because you saw it and thought it was messy, but because you would like to love them in this way. If they say yes, bring your own cleaning supplies and go to town.
• Buy them a gift certificate for a dinner out, a manicure, a massage, a shopping trip…anything you think they would enjoy.
• Call and check in on a regular basis. Ask for updates, ask how you can help, and let them know you are thinking of them.
• Send a card.
• Offer to spend time together.
• Listen when they want to talk.
• When you are out running errands, give them a call and ask if you can pick anything up, perhaps a prescription at the pharmacy or a few groceries.
• Bake and deliver cookies.
These are just some of the many practical, real ways that you can express love to someone who is going through a hard time. Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Other ways that someone has helped you through a hard time?
In extreme situations, like death and tragedy, people seem to know what to do to offer love, support, and help. In the best case scenarios friends and families “circle the wagons,” churches rush in to help, and people feel well-loved and cared for. But sometimes it is hard to know how to best love someone who is in pain. This is certainly true when there is no tragedy present, but life is just hard. We see our friends hurting, and we want be supportive, we’re just not sure what to do. We offer to help, ask our friends if they need anything, and say all the kind words we can think of. We tell our friends we’re praying for them, and we do. These are wonderful places to start, but sometimes we’re left feeling like we want to do more, we just don’t know what.
There are ways that we can practically love and support someone who is struggling, who is walking through a difficult time. The first step is to think about what you know about your friend. I have found three questions very useful in trying to determine how to best support someone. First, what is their personality type? Do they open their home to anybody or are they more private? Do they seem energized by social gatherings, or do they highly prize their alone time? A person who is extroverted and loves to get out may be encouraged by an impromptu dinner with friends or a “Girl’s Night Out.” A more introverted individual may appreciate your help in clearing space in their life for some alone time, whether by offering babysitting or helping with some household chores.
Second, how does this person tend to offer help to others? Often the ways that we love others offers important information about how we want to be loved. Does your friend always send thoughtful cards or flowers? Are they the first to show up with a home-cooked meal or to hug someone who is crying? These may be the very ways that your friend would best receive love and support.
And finally, think about things you know your friend likes. Is your friend’s day brightened by a fountain drink from the gas station? Does she treat herself with a chocolate dessert on Friday nights? Is music an important part of his life? These preferences and idiosyncrasies can serve as a springboard for excellent ideas on how to best encourage and bless your friend.
Maybe you don’t know the answers to these questions, or are still feeling uncertain about what to do. I have spent time with a lot of people who are in pain, and I have heard many stories about how others have offered care and support. There are certain things that almost everyone appreciates and interprets as loving and supportive.
• Make a meal. If possible, make something that can be frozen or will last in the refrigerator for a few days. This way they can eat it whenever they want it.
• Is the person you want to help a parent with young children? Offer to babysit. If the children are young and still need naps, it might be most helpful to go to the person’s house and watch the kids there while the parent(s) run errands, get coffee, take a nap, take a shower…or whatever else they want and need to do.
• Send or bring flowers. With very few exceptions, everyone (even men!) appreciates getting flowers.
• Tell them you would like to clean their house, not because you saw it and thought it was messy, but because you would like to love them in this way. If they say yes, bring your own cleaning supplies and go to town.
• Buy them a gift certificate for a dinner out, a manicure, a massage, a shopping trip…anything you think they would enjoy.
• Call and check in on a regular basis. Ask for updates, ask how you can help, and let them know you are thinking of them.
• Send a card.
• Offer to spend time together.
• Listen when they want to talk.
• When you are out running errands, give them a call and ask if you can pick anything up, perhaps a prescription at the pharmacy or a few groceries.
• Bake and deliver cookies.
These are just some of the many practical, real ways that you can express love to someone who is going through a hard time. Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Other ways that someone has helped you through a hard time?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Secrets
This week a 9-year-old was talking to me about secrets. He very seriously informed me that there are good secrets and there are bad secrets. Good secrets are pieces of information that you choose not to repeat out of respect for someone’s privacy. They involve information that is in no way dangerous, hurtful, or harmful. Bad secrets are pieces of information that do have the potential to hurt or harm, or that report something dangerous. A good secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she thinks Jim is cute, but she doesn’t want anyone else to know. A bad secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she stole Jim’s toy. I thought these were very good rules for secrets, and a part of my longed for the days when the distinction between “good secrets” and “bad secrets” was so well-defined.
In a grown-up world, it’s rarely that simple. Where are the privacy lines drawn? What is the difference between being secretive and being private? How do you decide what is more hurtful: betraying a confidence or keeping quiet? And what about when the potential hurt or harm is emotional and relational, and seems very hard to predict?
I think secrets are dangerous and almost always harmful. I’m clearly not talking about “Sarah thinks Jim is cute” secrets or “I bought my sister this great birthday present” secrets. I’m talking about real, grown-up relational and family secrets. Secrets about everything from alcoholism to loneliness to eating disorders to hurt feelings. Secrets about traumatic pasts, unsatisfying presents, and fearful futures. Your own thoughts, longings, and fears, things that eat at you but never get spoken. The things told to you in confidence that feel like a burden of knowledge you’re not sure what to do with.
These secrets are dangerous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, very few things stay secret forever. It is a terrible thing to live in fear that a secret will be exposed. It is also terrible when a secret is exposed in an unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted way. Second, I believe that unspoken secrets have power. In its very nature, a secret is powerful. Once it is spoken it loses its power. Allowing secrets to dwell in our lives gives them power over us and our relationships. This is a dangerous thing. And finally, I do not believe that secrets are of the Lord. 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.” Secrets are hidden in the dark, cobwebbed corners of our hearts. Allowing these dark corners to remain keeps the light of Christ out of our hearts.
I challenge you to think about the things that are consciously unspoken in your life. The things that nag at your heart and weigh you down, the things that feel dark and hidden. Secrets may feel shameful and embarrassing. What kind of power do these secrets have over you and your relationships? Then, prayerfully consider if you should share this secret, and if so, how, when, and with whom. It is important to choose safe places to share your secrets. A safe, wise person can provide useful counsel about how to proceed once you have begun the process of exposing what has been hidden.
John 12:46 “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” We are called to live in the light, and it’s a call worth pursuing.
In a grown-up world, it’s rarely that simple. Where are the privacy lines drawn? What is the difference between being secretive and being private? How do you decide what is more hurtful: betraying a confidence or keeping quiet? And what about when the potential hurt or harm is emotional and relational, and seems very hard to predict?
I think secrets are dangerous and almost always harmful. I’m clearly not talking about “Sarah thinks Jim is cute” secrets or “I bought my sister this great birthday present” secrets. I’m talking about real, grown-up relational and family secrets. Secrets about everything from alcoholism to loneliness to eating disorders to hurt feelings. Secrets about traumatic pasts, unsatisfying presents, and fearful futures. Your own thoughts, longings, and fears, things that eat at you but never get spoken. The things told to you in confidence that feel like a burden of knowledge you’re not sure what to do with.
These secrets are dangerous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, very few things stay secret forever. It is a terrible thing to live in fear that a secret will be exposed. It is also terrible when a secret is exposed in an unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted way. Second, I believe that unspoken secrets have power. In its very nature, a secret is powerful. Once it is spoken it loses its power. Allowing secrets to dwell in our lives gives them power over us and our relationships. This is a dangerous thing. And finally, I do not believe that secrets are of the Lord. 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.” Secrets are hidden in the dark, cobwebbed corners of our hearts. Allowing these dark corners to remain keeps the light of Christ out of our hearts.
I challenge you to think about the things that are consciously unspoken in your life. The things that nag at your heart and weigh you down, the things that feel dark and hidden. Secrets may feel shameful and embarrassing. What kind of power do these secrets have over you and your relationships? Then, prayerfully consider if you should share this secret, and if so, how, when, and with whom. It is important to choose safe places to share your secrets. A safe, wise person can provide useful counsel about how to proceed once you have begun the process of exposing what has been hidden.
John 12:46 “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” We are called to live in the light, and it’s a call worth pursuing.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Living on Purpose
Have you ever been driving somewhere and suddenly you’re at your destination, but you have no idea how you got there? You kind of blanked out, and before you know it, you’ve arrived, but you completely missed the journey. It’s a pretty common experience, and sometimes we don’t just have short drives like that, we have entire days. We crawl into bed and wonder where the day went, how we spent our time. Some people experience much of their lives that way, looking back on weeks and months and years with few memories and very little awareness of the journey.
I’m sure there are certain temptations to living on autopilot, but the most obvious is that it is easy. It is infinitely easier to coast through, doing what needs to be done each day and zoning out as much as possible whenever possible.
The problem is that if you live like this, you miss life. You miss everything. And what’s more, the world misses you. Ephesians 2:10 says “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God created in advance for us to do.” I’ve cited this verse before, and I’m sure I will again. God made you, and He has specific, unique purposes for your life. It is possible that you could do these things while on autopilot. It is incredibly likely that you would miss many opportunities, many connections, and much joy. Once again, I am talking about the call to live an engaged, connected, and meaningful life, and to live it on purpose.
Part of this call means living intentionally. By becoming aware of your days and your minutes, of your experiences and emotions and behaviors, you can become more actively engaged in your life. There is power in intention. Imagine that at the end of a long, hard day you decide to take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and curl up on the couch. You have the option of going through the motions, zoning out and letting the evening slip away. Or, you could think about the shower, soft clothes, and time relaxing as a way to take care of yourself. You could think about it as recharging your batteries, finding refreshment after a day that drained you. The intention can make a world of difference in your experience. Similarly, imagine that your two year old is throwing yet another temper tantrum. Are you just managing the fit, trying to survive until bed time? Or are you aware that you are nurturing and training your child, helping him or her to become the person they were made to be? Once again, the intention can make a world of difference in your experience.
So how do you become more aware, of both your experiences and your intentions? First of all, become aware of the narrative of your life. Take a step back and look at your life like you would a book or a movie. You are the main character. What is your purpose? What obstacles are in your way? What purposes and intentions do you want in your life, and what actions do you take to reflect these to the world? Once you are aware of this narrative, work to keep it going. A journal can be a great tool. Writing things down helps to cement them in our memory, which increases our awareness. Maybe you’re not a writer, but you love to take pictures or scrapbook. Work on these activities for every day life, not just special occasions. Take pictures of your walk with your dog, scrapbook a day at the park. If none of these ideas fits for you, perhaps you could work on verbal recollections. Just identifying a high point and low point of the day can help keep the narrative running, and can keep you aware of the life you are living.
In addition to become aware of the narrative of your life, I encourage you to become aware of the purposes behind your behaviors. Think about why you do the things you do, and think big picture. Why are you having dinner with your friend tonight? Maybe it’s because investing in relationships is important to you, and this dinner provides the opportunity to strengthen a friendship that you value. This is helpful even in the most mundane daily activities. Why are you going grocery shopping when you really do not want to go? So that you can provide food and nourishment for your family. Grocery shopping is another way to communicate love and care and to provide for the people you love. Becoming aware of your purposes and intentions can add meaning to your days, keeping them from blending seamlessly into one another.
There are times when autopilot is not a bad thing. There are times when you pull in your driveway and feel happy to be home, regardless of how you got there. However, this is no real way to live a life. Live with purpose, intention, and meaning. There is much to be gained from the journey.
I’m sure there are certain temptations to living on autopilot, but the most obvious is that it is easy. It is infinitely easier to coast through, doing what needs to be done each day and zoning out as much as possible whenever possible.
The problem is that if you live like this, you miss life. You miss everything. And what’s more, the world misses you. Ephesians 2:10 says “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God created in advance for us to do.” I’ve cited this verse before, and I’m sure I will again. God made you, and He has specific, unique purposes for your life. It is possible that you could do these things while on autopilot. It is incredibly likely that you would miss many opportunities, many connections, and much joy. Once again, I am talking about the call to live an engaged, connected, and meaningful life, and to live it on purpose.
Part of this call means living intentionally. By becoming aware of your days and your minutes, of your experiences and emotions and behaviors, you can become more actively engaged in your life. There is power in intention. Imagine that at the end of a long, hard day you decide to take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and curl up on the couch. You have the option of going through the motions, zoning out and letting the evening slip away. Or, you could think about the shower, soft clothes, and time relaxing as a way to take care of yourself. You could think about it as recharging your batteries, finding refreshment after a day that drained you. The intention can make a world of difference in your experience. Similarly, imagine that your two year old is throwing yet another temper tantrum. Are you just managing the fit, trying to survive until bed time? Or are you aware that you are nurturing and training your child, helping him or her to become the person they were made to be? Once again, the intention can make a world of difference in your experience.
So how do you become more aware, of both your experiences and your intentions? First of all, become aware of the narrative of your life. Take a step back and look at your life like you would a book or a movie. You are the main character. What is your purpose? What obstacles are in your way? What purposes and intentions do you want in your life, and what actions do you take to reflect these to the world? Once you are aware of this narrative, work to keep it going. A journal can be a great tool. Writing things down helps to cement them in our memory, which increases our awareness. Maybe you’re not a writer, but you love to take pictures or scrapbook. Work on these activities for every day life, not just special occasions. Take pictures of your walk with your dog, scrapbook a day at the park. If none of these ideas fits for you, perhaps you could work on verbal recollections. Just identifying a high point and low point of the day can help keep the narrative running, and can keep you aware of the life you are living.
In addition to become aware of the narrative of your life, I encourage you to become aware of the purposes behind your behaviors. Think about why you do the things you do, and think big picture. Why are you having dinner with your friend tonight? Maybe it’s because investing in relationships is important to you, and this dinner provides the opportunity to strengthen a friendship that you value. This is helpful even in the most mundane daily activities. Why are you going grocery shopping when you really do not want to go? So that you can provide food and nourishment for your family. Grocery shopping is another way to communicate love and care and to provide for the people you love. Becoming aware of your purposes and intentions can add meaning to your days, keeping them from blending seamlessly into one another.
There are times when autopilot is not a bad thing. There are times when you pull in your driveway and feel happy to be home, regardless of how you got there. However, this is no real way to live a life. Live with purpose, intention, and meaning. There is much to be gained from the journey.
Monday, October 11, 2010
Comfort
There are many places we can find comfort when we are hurting, when we are grieving. It seems that in times of loss and grief, we find comfort most powerfully through our senses. Through the warm hug of a friend, the taste of a meal prepared with love, the beauty of a walk outdoors, the familiar chords of a beloved hymn. Something about these experiences touches us in a place words cannot.
I know this is true, and not just because I have observed it or learned it academically. I am grieving right now, in the process of saying goodbye to someone I love very, very much. So, in lieu of more academic, devotional, or clinical thoughts, I want to share with you a song that is bringing me comfort right now. It brings comfort not only through its warmth and familiarity, but through the truth it speaks to my heart. May it bring comfort and peace to you as well.
The Old Rugged Cross
On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross
The emblem of suffering and shame
How I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where His glory forever I'll share
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
I know this is true, and not just because I have observed it or learned it academically. I am grieving right now, in the process of saying goodbye to someone I love very, very much. So, in lieu of more academic, devotional, or clinical thoughts, I want to share with you a song that is bringing me comfort right now. It brings comfort not only through its warmth and familiarity, but through the truth it speaks to my heart. May it bring comfort and peace to you as well.
The Old Rugged Cross
On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross
The emblem of suffering and shame
How I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where His glory forever I'll share
So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
Monday, October 4, 2010
The Power of Gentleness
A few days ago my 17-month-old son had a total melt-down. It had been kind of a rough morning, and he wanted to do something that was both dangerous and against the rules, and I told him no. He told me no. He cried. He lay on the ground and screamed. I felt very tempted to do the same. I was at a loss. I took a breath and a step back and looked at the little boy throwing a complete fit.
I picked him up and carried him upstairs. I turned off the lights and picked up his special blanket, and we sat in the rocking chair. I told him that I knew he was sad and angry, and we sat and rocked. And to my surprise, it helped. The angry cry turned to softer sobs, which gradually faded away. For a very long time (at least in toddler land) he sat still, cuddled on my lap. Eventually he looked up at me and smiled, and we were back on track. I’m still not totally sure what was going on for him that morning, but I know that at that moment what he needed was gentleness.
This incident got me thinking about the power of gentleness. The dictionary defines gentle as considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender, not harsh or severe. Sometimes what we need, what our world needs, is gentleness. In Matthew 11:28-29 Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” In 1 Kings 19 Elijah is desperately seeking wisdom and encouragement from the Lord. He is presented with a violent wind, a terrible earthquake, and a blazing fire, but the Lord is not in any of these forces. Then Elijah hears a “gentle whisper,” and there he meets with the Lord.
We live in a culture that often values and awards those who act like the wind, earthquake, and fire. And, there is a time when I believe we are called to act with bold, decisive force. And there is also a time when we are called to use our strength in a tender and considerate matter, to love and nurture with all the power we possess.
Where in your world is gentleness needed? Maybe it is with the friend whose complaining is wearing you down; perhaps what she most needs is compassion and support. Maybe it is with the spouse who you notice is looking tired and worn out; perhaps he or she needs a cup of tea or a backrub. Maybe it is the teenager who is pushing boundaries and handing out attitude; perhaps he or she just needs to be heard, seen, and valued. And, maybe it is with yourself. Perhaps you are going through a hard time right now, and all you are doing is pushing yourself harder and placing more demands on yourself. Maybe you need grace and gentleness for yourself. One thing I’ve seen over and over again is that the gentler we are with ourselves, the more grace we extend to our own hearts, the more able we are to be gentle and gracious with others.
I picked him up and carried him upstairs. I turned off the lights and picked up his special blanket, and we sat in the rocking chair. I told him that I knew he was sad and angry, and we sat and rocked. And to my surprise, it helped. The angry cry turned to softer sobs, which gradually faded away. For a very long time (at least in toddler land) he sat still, cuddled on my lap. Eventually he looked up at me and smiled, and we were back on track. I’m still not totally sure what was going on for him that morning, but I know that at that moment what he needed was gentleness.
This incident got me thinking about the power of gentleness. The dictionary defines gentle as considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender, not harsh or severe. Sometimes what we need, what our world needs, is gentleness. In Matthew 11:28-29 Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” In 1 Kings 19 Elijah is desperately seeking wisdom and encouragement from the Lord. He is presented with a violent wind, a terrible earthquake, and a blazing fire, but the Lord is not in any of these forces. Then Elijah hears a “gentle whisper,” and there he meets with the Lord.
We live in a culture that often values and awards those who act like the wind, earthquake, and fire. And, there is a time when I believe we are called to act with bold, decisive force. And there is also a time when we are called to use our strength in a tender and considerate matter, to love and nurture with all the power we possess.
Where in your world is gentleness needed? Maybe it is with the friend whose complaining is wearing you down; perhaps what she most needs is compassion and support. Maybe it is with the spouse who you notice is looking tired and worn out; perhaps he or she needs a cup of tea or a backrub. Maybe it is the teenager who is pushing boundaries and handing out attitude; perhaps he or she just needs to be heard, seen, and valued. And, maybe it is with yourself. Perhaps you are going through a hard time right now, and all you are doing is pushing yourself harder and placing more demands on yourself. Maybe you need grace and gentleness for yourself. One thing I’ve seen over and over again is that the gentler we are with ourselves, the more grace we extend to our own hearts, the more able we are to be gentle and gracious with others.
Monday, September 27, 2010
The Inner Monologue
Most of us have a constant monologue running in our heads, a stream of consciousness filled with thoughts, observations, judgments, questions, and explanations. While most of us know intellectually that this exists, we are relatively unaware of it much of the time. At random moments we may think about what we’re thinking about, but it’s rare.
This may seem like a rather academic and philosophical topic, but it’s actually very important and highly relevant to our daily lives. You see, that monologue is how you explain your world. It is how you understand and interpret what you experience, and it has a direct impact on your behavior.
For example, imagine that you plan to have lunch with a new friend. She calls the day before you planned to meet and says that a work meeting came up and she will have to reschedule. You pick another date, and that day she calls an hour before you plan on getting together and says that she’s very sorry but she’s not feeling well and will need to reschedule again. These are the facts. Your inner monologue helps you understand and interpret them. You may decide that she must not really want to get together with you or build a friendship. You may infer that she is a very busy person and doesn’t have time for you. Or, you may think it is just coincidence that she had to cancel twice, and go ahead and reschedule a third time. Which explanation, or story, you choose will impact how you react to your new friend and whether or not you continue to pursue the relationship.
Most of the time we are completely unaware of this process. We jump straight from the facts to our judgments and conclusions. A driver cuts you off in traffic. “What a jerk,” you think. Your spouse is late coming home from work. “He must be avoiding spending time with me and the kids.” We forget that these conclusions come from both the event and from our thoughts about the event.
Remembering this can make a world of difference. It’s worth repeating: In marriage, parenting, relationships, work, and even casual social interactions, our response is both a response to the situation and a response to the way we are thinking about the situation. And, the way we think about a situation is influenced by our mood that day, how much energy we have to devote to the topic, our personality, our history, and myriad of other sources. Just keeping this concept in mind can decrease defensiveness, make it easier to listen, and decrease negative judgments you quickly make about others.
There are several related ideas that can also be helpful to keep in mind. There can be great wisdom in remembering that we don’t have all of the information. Because we don’t know all of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, motives, behavior, or past experiences, we never have all the information about someone else. Frequently we don’t even have most of the information.
Second, there can be great wisdom in remembering that we could be wrong. The conclusions that we have drawn may be inaccurate. It’s humbling to remember this, particularly in emotionally-charged interactions where we are convinced we are not wrong. However, as human beings, the possibility always remains. You could be wrong.
And finally, I find it helpful to try and offer alternate explanations, or stories, in addition to the ones that immediately come to mind. Your spouse is home late from work, and one possibility is that he is avoiding you. Another is that traffic was bad, and though he left on time, he is arriving home late. Another is that they were short-staffed at work and he had to work late in order to finish up the day’s tasks. Another is that he stopped on the way home to pick up ice cream. These alternate possibilities can help diffuse some of the emotional intensity and allow you to approach the conflict more calmly and openly.
So, I challenge you to become aware of your inner monologue, of the thoughts and conclusions you are drawing about other people. Pay particular attention in conflicts or when you find yourself drawing harsh judgments about someone else. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself, how you are filling in the blanks to jump from the facts to your conclusion. Remind yourself that you could be wrong. Offer alternative explanations. And, when appropriate, share your story with the other person. Ask them if your judgments and assumptions are correct, and listen closely to their response. You may find that they have a very different story to tell.
This may seem like a rather academic and philosophical topic, but it’s actually very important and highly relevant to our daily lives. You see, that monologue is how you explain your world. It is how you understand and interpret what you experience, and it has a direct impact on your behavior.
For example, imagine that you plan to have lunch with a new friend. She calls the day before you planned to meet and says that a work meeting came up and she will have to reschedule. You pick another date, and that day she calls an hour before you plan on getting together and says that she’s very sorry but she’s not feeling well and will need to reschedule again. These are the facts. Your inner monologue helps you understand and interpret them. You may decide that she must not really want to get together with you or build a friendship. You may infer that she is a very busy person and doesn’t have time for you. Or, you may think it is just coincidence that she had to cancel twice, and go ahead and reschedule a third time. Which explanation, or story, you choose will impact how you react to your new friend and whether or not you continue to pursue the relationship.
Most of the time we are completely unaware of this process. We jump straight from the facts to our judgments and conclusions. A driver cuts you off in traffic. “What a jerk,” you think. Your spouse is late coming home from work. “He must be avoiding spending time with me and the kids.” We forget that these conclusions come from both the event and from our thoughts about the event.
Remembering this can make a world of difference. It’s worth repeating: In marriage, parenting, relationships, work, and even casual social interactions, our response is both a response to the situation and a response to the way we are thinking about the situation. And, the way we think about a situation is influenced by our mood that day, how much energy we have to devote to the topic, our personality, our history, and myriad of other sources. Just keeping this concept in mind can decrease defensiveness, make it easier to listen, and decrease negative judgments you quickly make about others.
There are several related ideas that can also be helpful to keep in mind. There can be great wisdom in remembering that we don’t have all of the information. Because we don’t know all of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, motives, behavior, or past experiences, we never have all the information about someone else. Frequently we don’t even have most of the information.
Second, there can be great wisdom in remembering that we could be wrong. The conclusions that we have drawn may be inaccurate. It’s humbling to remember this, particularly in emotionally-charged interactions where we are convinced we are not wrong. However, as human beings, the possibility always remains. You could be wrong.
And finally, I find it helpful to try and offer alternate explanations, or stories, in addition to the ones that immediately come to mind. Your spouse is home late from work, and one possibility is that he is avoiding you. Another is that traffic was bad, and though he left on time, he is arriving home late. Another is that they were short-staffed at work and he had to work late in order to finish up the day’s tasks. Another is that he stopped on the way home to pick up ice cream. These alternate possibilities can help diffuse some of the emotional intensity and allow you to approach the conflict more calmly and openly.
So, I challenge you to become aware of your inner monologue, of the thoughts and conclusions you are drawing about other people. Pay particular attention in conflicts or when you find yourself drawing harsh judgments about someone else. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself, how you are filling in the blanks to jump from the facts to your conclusion. Remind yourself that you could be wrong. Offer alternative explanations. And, when appropriate, share your story with the other person. Ask them if your judgments and assumptions are correct, and listen closely to their response. You may find that they have a very different story to tell.
Monday, September 20, 2010
Going Through
One of my favorite children’s books is “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt,” by Michael Rosen. The story tells of a father and his four brave children who cross all kinds of treacherous terrain in their search of a bear. Their refrain is:
We’re going on a bear hunt
We’re going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
We’re not scared
In their journey they come across many obstacles- mud, a snowstorm, a forest, a river, a cave. At each obstacle they exclaim “Oh oh!” and then plunge ahead.
We can’t go over it
We can’t go under it
Oh no! We have to go through it
And they do.
Isn’t that what happens in any adventure that we undertake? A new job, a relationship, a big trip, a major life change? We see the adventure and we dare to move forward. And then we face obstacles, and they look scary. Romance is a thrilling proposition, but working through conflict can feel a lot like scrambling through a pit of mud. Becoming a parent can be one of the most thrilling experiences in life, but night after sleepless, fussy night can feel a lot like a deep, dark cave. Relationships are one of life’s greatest blessings, but facing a river of grief caused by loss or betrayal can be overwhelmingly painful.
And our tendency is to hide from these obstacles. They are hard, they are scary, and the process of going through them may not feel good. Have you ever played hide and seek with a two year old? They believe that if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. Some of the time they believe that if they are behind something (no matter how small a something) you can’t see them. Well, our hiding is about as effective. We avoid the conflicts in a friendship, but that does not make the conflict go away, and the relationship stays stuck, a frustrating source of stress and unhappiness. We feel called to a life change, maybe a move or change in vocation, but we ignore the call because we fear the difficulty inherent in such an uncertain transition.
But the brave little family in the story was on to something. Sometimes you cannot go over an obstacle, you cannot go under an obstacle, you just have to go through it. It’s true with emotions, with grief, with conflicts, and with trials. The only way out is through.
Perhaps you have been hiding and know that there is a conflict, emotion, or obstacle that you need to go through. Or perhaps you haven’t been given a choice, and you are currently in the “through.” What is helpful in times like this?
• Do not try to go through alone. When you feel vulnerable and overwhelmed it is particularly difficult to ask for support, and it is absolutely essential that you do so.
• Remember that you are going through something difficult, but there is another side to this. This will not last forever. A friend recently told me one of her favorite quotes: “Now is not forever.” This is certainly true from an eternal perspective, but it is (usually) true in an earthly perspective as well. You will laugh and enjoy the sun again.
• Be sure to take care of your basic needs: eat, sleep, and move. It takes energy to “go through.”
• Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one step at a time. Many times we feel totally incapable of handling a task or journey, but we can handle the immediate step we need to take.
Isaiah 43:2 says “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
Maybe you can’t go over it. Maybe you can’t go under it. Maybe you have to go through it. But no matter what you are going through, you are not going through it alone.
We’re going on a bear hunt
We’re going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
We’re not scared
In their journey they come across many obstacles- mud, a snowstorm, a forest, a river, a cave. At each obstacle they exclaim “Oh oh!” and then plunge ahead.
We can’t go over it
We can’t go under it
Oh no! We have to go through it
And they do.
Isn’t that what happens in any adventure that we undertake? A new job, a relationship, a big trip, a major life change? We see the adventure and we dare to move forward. And then we face obstacles, and they look scary. Romance is a thrilling proposition, but working through conflict can feel a lot like scrambling through a pit of mud. Becoming a parent can be one of the most thrilling experiences in life, but night after sleepless, fussy night can feel a lot like a deep, dark cave. Relationships are one of life’s greatest blessings, but facing a river of grief caused by loss or betrayal can be overwhelmingly painful.
And our tendency is to hide from these obstacles. They are hard, they are scary, and the process of going through them may not feel good. Have you ever played hide and seek with a two year old? They believe that if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. Some of the time they believe that if they are behind something (no matter how small a something) you can’t see them. Well, our hiding is about as effective. We avoid the conflicts in a friendship, but that does not make the conflict go away, and the relationship stays stuck, a frustrating source of stress and unhappiness. We feel called to a life change, maybe a move or change in vocation, but we ignore the call because we fear the difficulty inherent in such an uncertain transition.
But the brave little family in the story was on to something. Sometimes you cannot go over an obstacle, you cannot go under an obstacle, you just have to go through it. It’s true with emotions, with grief, with conflicts, and with trials. The only way out is through.
Perhaps you have been hiding and know that there is a conflict, emotion, or obstacle that you need to go through. Or perhaps you haven’t been given a choice, and you are currently in the “through.” What is helpful in times like this?
• Do not try to go through alone. When you feel vulnerable and overwhelmed it is particularly difficult to ask for support, and it is absolutely essential that you do so.
• Remember that you are going through something difficult, but there is another side to this. This will not last forever. A friend recently told me one of her favorite quotes: “Now is not forever.” This is certainly true from an eternal perspective, but it is (usually) true in an earthly perspective as well. You will laugh and enjoy the sun again.
• Be sure to take care of your basic needs: eat, sleep, and move. It takes energy to “go through.”
• Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one step at a time. Many times we feel totally incapable of handling a task or journey, but we can handle the immediate step we need to take.
Isaiah 43:2 says “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”
Maybe you can’t go over it. Maybe you can’t go under it. Maybe you have to go through it. But no matter what you are going through, you are not going through it alone.
Sunday, September 19, 2010
Communication in Marriage Seminar
Exciting Announcement!
Beginning in October, we will be offering monthly seminars at the Upper Valley Compassionate Care Center. The seminars will be held the first Tuesday of the month, from 7-9 p.m. For more information and to register, contact us at (603)219-6835 or at uppervccc@gmail.com. Or feel free to contact me directly via facebook, e-mail, phone, or in person.
Beginning in October, we will be offering monthly seminars at the Upper Valley Compassionate Care Center. The seminars will be held the first Tuesday of the month, from 7-9 p.m. For more information and to register, contact us at (603)219-6835 or at uppervccc@gmail.com. Or feel free to contact me directly via facebook, e-mail, phone, or in person.
October 2010 Workshop
Improving Communication in Marriage- Strategies for Building a Stronger Marriage
Tuesday, October 5
7-9 p.m.
$20/individual $30/couple
Communication is a crucial part of every marriage. It is important in good times, hard times, periods of conflict, and times of change and transition. This seminar will help you learn how to communicate most effectively with your spouse. We will address:
· Resolving conflict
· Decision-making
· Apologizing
· Using communication to strengthen your marriage
· Listening
Registration deadline is 9/30/10
And, coming in November: Raising A Spirited Child. Details coming soon!
Monday, September 13, 2010
The Imposters
There is a popular book series entitled “Eat This, Not That.” The book tells you how to make healthy choices at restaurants and grocery stores and how to avoid unhealthy foods that may be masquerading as nutritious foods. For example, the author will show you a seemingly innocuous grilled chicken sandwich and then tell you it has as much saturated fat as a box of doughnuts. It’s actually pretty terrifying. I think the big surprise is that many of these foods look healthy- fruit smoothies, grilled chicken, salads. Most people would agree that a chocolate fudge milkshake is not a health food and should be an occasional treat. But salads are viewed as healthy, not indulgences, so an unhealthy salad feels like an imposter.
We are surrounded by imposters, by products and strategies that promise to satisfy us and make us happy and healthy, but fail to deliver. Usually they just leave us wanting more. We see an advertisement for the new iPad and believe that it will make us happier. But how long does the novelty last? We believe that an exotic vacation will refresh us and yet we come home more tired than when we left. We believe that if we could lose those last 10 pounds, get that next raise, buy that new car, than we would be happy. If we can just make it through the work day and get to the point that we could put our feet up and zone out in front of the TV or the internet…then life will be good.
Imposters come in many forms. Products that promise happiness to their possessor. Financial success or security. Hobbies and activities that we used to enjoy but that have taken on an obsessive quality. We used to shop, eat, and watch TV. Now we overshop, overeat, and schedule our social calendar around the TV guide. Judith Wrights says, “These seemingly harmless habits like overshopping, overeating, watching too much TV, endlessly surfing the internet, procrastinating- they actually keep us from the life we want. They cost us money, rob us of time, numb us from our feelings, mute our consciousness, and drain our energy."
The genius of these imposters is that they are often things that have an appropriate place in our lives. There is nothing wrong with watching TV, spending time online, shopping, enjoying good food or new technology. The problems come when we expect these activities to satisfy, fulfill, and bring us energy. We are in troubled waters when we begin to look to these imposters to bring us life.
I believe that these imposters (and our willingness to accept them) are some of the biggest enemies to living life to the fullest. We buy into the lie that these things will make us happy. And so, we chase and pursue them, often at the cost of the people and priorities that we say we value most. But instead of being content and satisfied, we find ourselves either hungering and thirsting for more, or just feeling numb.
If these are the imposters, what is the real deal? What will satisfy, fulfill, and energize? I believe that the answer is relationships. Relationships with God, others, and self. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He answered: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-29). I believe that these commandments speak to the crucial importance of relationships. The first and preeminent relationship is with God. By loving the Lord with all your being, you are actively engaged in an intimate relationship with Him. By loving your neighbor you are refusing isolation, risking your heart, and pursuing relationship. And, by loving yourself (loving your neighbor as yourself implies loving yourself) you are caring for your heart and pursuing the person God made you to be.
The thing about the Imposters is that they often crowd out the space needed for relationships. It is difficult to be engaged with a friend if you are both texting, e-mailing, and taking phone calls through your time together. It is difficult to hear the Lord whispering to your heart if there is never quiet time to hear the whispers. And, it is next to impossible to wholeheartedly pursue the Lord when your desires for the Imposters blunt your desire for Him.
So I challenge you to look at your life. Where are you finding yourself believing the Imposters, asking them to fulfill you? Engaging in activities you think you should enjoy, but finding yourself drained or numbed afterward? Identifying the Imposters is a crucial step. Then look at your relationships, in each of the categories I discussed. How are you staying connected to the Lord? Are you engaging with your family and friends? Are you listening to your heart and taking time for yourself?
We are surrounded by imposters, by products and strategies that promise to satisfy us and make us happy and healthy, but fail to deliver. Usually they just leave us wanting more. We see an advertisement for the new iPad and believe that it will make us happier. But how long does the novelty last? We believe that an exotic vacation will refresh us and yet we come home more tired than when we left. We believe that if we could lose those last 10 pounds, get that next raise, buy that new car, than we would be happy. If we can just make it through the work day and get to the point that we could put our feet up and zone out in front of the TV or the internet…then life will be good.
Imposters come in many forms. Products that promise happiness to their possessor. Financial success or security. Hobbies and activities that we used to enjoy but that have taken on an obsessive quality. We used to shop, eat, and watch TV. Now we overshop, overeat, and schedule our social calendar around the TV guide. Judith Wrights says, “These seemingly harmless habits like overshopping, overeating, watching too much TV, endlessly surfing the internet, procrastinating- they actually keep us from the life we want. They cost us money, rob us of time, numb us from our feelings, mute our consciousness, and drain our energy."
The genius of these imposters is that they are often things that have an appropriate place in our lives. There is nothing wrong with watching TV, spending time online, shopping, enjoying good food or new technology. The problems come when we expect these activities to satisfy, fulfill, and bring us energy. We are in troubled waters when we begin to look to these imposters to bring us life.
I believe that these imposters (and our willingness to accept them) are some of the biggest enemies to living life to the fullest. We buy into the lie that these things will make us happy. And so, we chase and pursue them, often at the cost of the people and priorities that we say we value most. But instead of being content and satisfied, we find ourselves either hungering and thirsting for more, or just feeling numb.
If these are the imposters, what is the real deal? What will satisfy, fulfill, and energize? I believe that the answer is relationships. Relationships with God, others, and self. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He answered: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-29). I believe that these commandments speak to the crucial importance of relationships. The first and preeminent relationship is with God. By loving the Lord with all your being, you are actively engaged in an intimate relationship with Him. By loving your neighbor you are refusing isolation, risking your heart, and pursuing relationship. And, by loving yourself (loving your neighbor as yourself implies loving yourself) you are caring for your heart and pursuing the person God made you to be.
The thing about the Imposters is that they often crowd out the space needed for relationships. It is difficult to be engaged with a friend if you are both texting, e-mailing, and taking phone calls through your time together. It is difficult to hear the Lord whispering to your heart if there is never quiet time to hear the whispers. And, it is next to impossible to wholeheartedly pursue the Lord when your desires for the Imposters blunt your desire for Him.
So I challenge you to look at your life. Where are you finding yourself believing the Imposters, asking them to fulfill you? Engaging in activities you think you should enjoy, but finding yourself drained or numbed afterward? Identifying the Imposters is a crucial step. Then look at your relationships, in each of the categories I discussed. How are you staying connected to the Lord? Are you engaging with your family and friends? Are you listening to your heart and taking time for yourself?
Monday, September 6, 2010
First Things First
Last week my old laptop caught on fire. Really and truly sparked and flamed. No people or property were injured, but that laptop took its dying breath and went out in a blaze of glory. Truthfully, I am surprised it lasted as long as it did. That little machine survived three years of graduate school, a dissertation, a move to Vermont, and some pretty serious abuse from a determined toddler. It worked itself to death, until the moment that it could not handle anymore and it quite literally burned out. I’ve seen lots of people do the same.
Many times we feel empty, exhausted, and worn out. This is no surprise, and certainly is not an indication that we are doing something wrong. As human beings we have limited physical and psychological resources. We need rest, we need recharging. This is reflected everywhere we look. The changing seasons reflect periods of active growth and rest. Fields are planted, harvested, and let lie. Tides ebb and flow. Our bodies need sleep, food, and water or they cease to function.
Yet many of us do not recognize or honor the need to rest and recharge. We are busy, we have obligations to fulfill and demands to meet. We are constantly accessible by e-mail or phone, we ceaselessly receive texts and e-mails. There is often no real down time, because we are always available and on call. When we do think about taking a break, we feel guilty caring for our hearts and bodies, as if we should not have normal human limits. It can feel selfish to think or talk about taking care of yourself. And many times, we just don’t pay attention to whether or not we are caring for our hearts and bodies in the busy pace of life. We just don’t pay attention at all.
I believe this is one of the reasons people go through life only partly alive; they either do not know how to care for themselves, or they forget. So how do you care for yourself? First of all, pay attention to your physical needs. When we see children acting fussy, one of the first things we do is ask them if they are tired, hungry, or thirsty. And yet as adults, we forget to ask ourselves these questions. Are you pushing yourself so hard that your basic physical needs aren’t being met?
Sleep is often the first physical need to be neglected. Look at the physical effects of sleep deprivation: aching muscles, dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, hallucinations, hand tremors, headaches, increased blood pressure, irritability, memory loss, slow word recall. Even relatively mild sleep deprivation can cause many of these symptoms. It is very difficult to be the person you were made to be when you are consistently physically exhausted. I know that certain stages of life are not at all conducive to sleep. But you need to make regular sleep a priority in order to really care for yourself. This may mean missing a favorite TV show, letting laundry go unfolded, cutting short a social gathering, or going to bed earlier than you thought you ever would as an adult. Prioritizing sleep is prioritizing your optimal functioning.
Another aspect of self-care that people often neglect is adequate nutrition. There are physical and emotional consequences for not eating enough or not eating food with real nutritional value. Our bodies need real food and water to function. I am not preaching any specific diet or advocating cutting out ice cream, caffeine, or anything else. What I am advising is taking a look at your eating patterns to see if you are really taking care of yourself in this department.
Sleep and food are the basics, but for us to thrive physically (which makes it easier to thrive emotionally, relationally, and psychologically) we need activity too. Healthy bodies were made to move. It’s hard to over-emphasize the therapeutic value of physical activity. Walk, ride a bike, play tag, garden. Whatever it is that you do that gets your body moving, do it.
Perhaps you read the last post about living fully alive and expected something more. Something more profound, something more spiritual, something new. I mean, we all know that we need sleep and food and water and we all know we should exercise. This is pretty simple stuff. And don’t worry, there is more. But these are the basics, and they are often neglected. I am amazed at how often I forget these simple principles and how often I see others doing the same. These are some of the first things I stop to assess when I notice that I am feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. I think we could all use the reminder. After all, we don’t want to burn out.
Many times we feel empty, exhausted, and worn out. This is no surprise, and certainly is not an indication that we are doing something wrong. As human beings we have limited physical and psychological resources. We need rest, we need recharging. This is reflected everywhere we look. The changing seasons reflect periods of active growth and rest. Fields are planted, harvested, and let lie. Tides ebb and flow. Our bodies need sleep, food, and water or they cease to function.
Yet many of us do not recognize or honor the need to rest and recharge. We are busy, we have obligations to fulfill and demands to meet. We are constantly accessible by e-mail or phone, we ceaselessly receive texts and e-mails. There is often no real down time, because we are always available and on call. When we do think about taking a break, we feel guilty caring for our hearts and bodies, as if we should not have normal human limits. It can feel selfish to think or talk about taking care of yourself. And many times, we just don’t pay attention to whether or not we are caring for our hearts and bodies in the busy pace of life. We just don’t pay attention at all.
I believe this is one of the reasons people go through life only partly alive; they either do not know how to care for themselves, or they forget. So how do you care for yourself? First of all, pay attention to your physical needs. When we see children acting fussy, one of the first things we do is ask them if they are tired, hungry, or thirsty. And yet as adults, we forget to ask ourselves these questions. Are you pushing yourself so hard that your basic physical needs aren’t being met?
Sleep is often the first physical need to be neglected. Look at the physical effects of sleep deprivation: aching muscles, dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, hallucinations, hand tremors, headaches, increased blood pressure, irritability, memory loss, slow word recall. Even relatively mild sleep deprivation can cause many of these symptoms. It is very difficult to be the person you were made to be when you are consistently physically exhausted. I know that certain stages of life are not at all conducive to sleep. But you need to make regular sleep a priority in order to really care for yourself. This may mean missing a favorite TV show, letting laundry go unfolded, cutting short a social gathering, or going to bed earlier than you thought you ever would as an adult. Prioritizing sleep is prioritizing your optimal functioning.
Another aspect of self-care that people often neglect is adequate nutrition. There are physical and emotional consequences for not eating enough or not eating food with real nutritional value. Our bodies need real food and water to function. I am not preaching any specific diet or advocating cutting out ice cream, caffeine, or anything else. What I am advising is taking a look at your eating patterns to see if you are really taking care of yourself in this department.
Sleep and food are the basics, but for us to thrive physically (which makes it easier to thrive emotionally, relationally, and psychologically) we need activity too. Healthy bodies were made to move. It’s hard to over-emphasize the therapeutic value of physical activity. Walk, ride a bike, play tag, garden. Whatever it is that you do that gets your body moving, do it.
Perhaps you read the last post about living fully alive and expected something more. Something more profound, something more spiritual, something new. I mean, we all know that we need sleep and food and water and we all know we should exercise. This is pretty simple stuff. And don’t worry, there is more. But these are the basics, and they are often neglected. I am amazed at how often I forget these simple principles and how often I see others doing the same. These are some of the first things I stop to assess when I notice that I am feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. I think we could all use the reminder. After all, we don’t want to burn out.
Monday, August 30, 2010
Slightly Alive
A few weeks ago I was at a street fair. There was a live band playing cover songs and a roped in area for people to stand and listen. The area was empty, except for one little girl, probably around 5 years old. She was wearing a yellow sundress and she was dancing. Do you remember how boys danced at the high school Homecoming dance? The movement was almost imperceptible, feet barely stepping side to side, the occasional head bob. Well, this was nothing like that. This was all out, full-body dancing, spinning, twirling, jumping, arms waving. She looked exactly how I want to feel- exuberant, alive, and free.
Don’t worry, I’m not about to tell you to dance like no one is watching. I am going to ask when the last time was that you felt exuberant, alive, and free. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” Saint Irenaeus wrote, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Do you feel fully alive? Do you feel like a clean mirror, able to radiantly reflect the glory of God? I want to be clear; I am not talking about a life free from struggles or pain. Rather, I am talking about a living fully engaged, renewed, refreshed, spiritually and emotionally filled. I believe this is how we were made to live, but that very few people actually live this way.
I have loved the movie Princess Bride for most of my life. In one of my favorite scenes, the hero, Wesley, has been tortured to death. His comrades bring him to Miracle Max to see if anything can be done. Max examines Wesley and says that he’s seen worse. He declares Wesley “mostly dead” and says “mostly dead is slightly alive.” I believe that many of us go through life only slightly alive. We say that we have claimed new life in Christ, yet we still live as though we were more dead than alive.
There are many, many reasons why you may be living only slightly alive. Some are spiritual, some are physical, some are psychological. If you are not living fully alive, the reasons why are bound to be complex. Some of these reasons may be very deep, and may require intense spiritual and/or psychological intervention. But for some of us, there may be no big reason why we aren’t living life to the fullest. Instead, it’s dozens of small choices and irritations that harden us and separate us from the life we were made to live. Just like little rodents can ruin a beautiful garden, seemingly insignificant choices can separate us from our fullest life. I am going to spend the next two posts exploring some of these small choices that slowly sabotage the full life we could be living.
For now, I challenge you to think about what Miracle Max might say about you. Are you only slightly alive? When was the last time you felt exuberant, alive, and free? Picture yourself there. Where were you? Who was around? What made that moment so special? These are important questions. As you look back on that memory, ask yourself how you can add more of those moments to your life. If you have a hard time finding a memory, it’s probably time to make some changes.
Don’t worry, I’m not about to tell you to dance like no one is watching. I am going to ask when the last time was that you felt exuberant, alive, and free. In John 10:10 Jesus says, “I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.” Galatians 5:1 says, “It is for freedom that Christ has set us free.” Saint Irenaeus wrote, “The glory of God is man fully alive.” Do you feel fully alive? Do you feel like a clean mirror, able to radiantly reflect the glory of God? I want to be clear; I am not talking about a life free from struggles or pain. Rather, I am talking about a living fully engaged, renewed, refreshed, spiritually and emotionally filled. I believe this is how we were made to live, but that very few people actually live this way.
I have loved the movie Princess Bride for most of my life. In one of my favorite scenes, the hero, Wesley, has been tortured to death. His comrades bring him to Miracle Max to see if anything can be done. Max examines Wesley and says that he’s seen worse. He declares Wesley “mostly dead” and says “mostly dead is slightly alive.” I believe that many of us go through life only slightly alive. We say that we have claimed new life in Christ, yet we still live as though we were more dead than alive.
There are many, many reasons why you may be living only slightly alive. Some are spiritual, some are physical, some are psychological. If you are not living fully alive, the reasons why are bound to be complex. Some of these reasons may be very deep, and may require intense spiritual and/or psychological intervention. But for some of us, there may be no big reason why we aren’t living life to the fullest. Instead, it’s dozens of small choices and irritations that harden us and separate us from the life we were made to live. Just like little rodents can ruin a beautiful garden, seemingly insignificant choices can separate us from our fullest life. I am going to spend the next two posts exploring some of these small choices that slowly sabotage the full life we could be living.
For now, I challenge you to think about what Miracle Max might say about you. Are you only slightly alive? When was the last time you felt exuberant, alive, and free? Picture yourself there. Where were you? Who was around? What made that moment so special? These are important questions. As you look back on that memory, ask yourself how you can add more of those moments to your life. If you have a hard time finding a memory, it’s probably time to make some changes.
Monday, August 23, 2010
Holding Back
This weekend we watched the movie Defiance. It’s a World War II movie, based on a true story. Honestly it is not the type of movie I’m usually drawn to, but the story has stuck with me. It is the story of the Bielskis, brothers who lead a forest community of Jews in what has been called “the largest armed rescue operation of Jews by Jews in World War II” (amazon.com review of Defiance: The Bielski Partisans). The brothers fight for and protect their people, and are successful despite unbelievable odds. They are flawed and unlikely heroes (aren’t most heroes flawed and unlikely?), yet the descendants of those they helped save now number in the tens of thousands.
And I wonder how the world would be different if these brothers hadn’t stepped up in such a big way. What if they had refused leadership? Refused to fight? What if they had held back, too afraid or unsure to offer themselves?
Most of us don’t feel like our lives are lived on such a grand scale as the Bielskis. Our day to day lives don’t seem to have that kind of impact. We don’t see any opportunities for heroism in our routines and duties. So it feels okay to hold back, to pass through life on auto-pilot. You can tell that most people are holding back…you see it in their eyes, hear it in their words. For goodness sake, you see it in their hunched up, eyes down, don’t-notice-me posture.
I believe this is a big mistake. You are important. You matter. Your life, which to you can seem mundane and dull, matters. This is not just “feel good, positive psychology.” It is truth. What you do, how you live matters. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We are God’s creation, knit together by His hand, fearfully and wonderfully made. He has made us and He has tasks that we were specifically made to do. Not just “we” as in a large group of people, but you. He has things that He has specifically made for you to do, opportunities that only you can fulfill. So it is important, vitally important, that you step up and stop holding back.
There are two main ways that people hold back. Some people hold back by hiding. They may believe that they have nothing special to offer, nothing really to share. In small groups they are quiet, unsure of what to add or contribute. They sit on the sidelines and watch. Others hide by pretending, by faking it. Have you ever been in an argument with someone and the phone rings? One of you answers, using your “everything is fine, so glad you called” voice. Well, the pretenders live their life sharing only that voice. They may lead groups, they may speak up, but they are sharing only what they think people want to hear. Neither one is offering their true self; both are holding back.
People have a lot of good reasons for hiding. Offering your true self, your heart, your courage, and your strength can be terrifying. It is a vulnerable act, and it is extremely risky. People may mock you, they may discourage you, they may misunderstand you. Look at David and Goliath. David was stepping up in a big way when he offered to fight Goliath. He was a boy, not even a soldier, and in front of an army of men he offered to fight the giant. Goliath mocked David, but I bet the words from his older brother struck even deeper “Why have you come down here? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is” (1 Samuel 17:28). But David did not let these words stop him. He stepped up, he refused to hold back, and God used him to slay the giant. I wonder what giants could be slain if more of us were willing to step up.
And so I challenge you to look at your life. Where are you holding back? Where are you hiding or pretending instead of offering yourself? What relationship are you holding back in, reluctant to pursue a deeper connection or confront an issue? What gift are you afraid to share? Where are you tempted to act small? Where do you want to speak up, to offer yourself, but hesitate? What is stopping you?
And I wonder how the world would be different if these brothers hadn’t stepped up in such a big way. What if they had refused leadership? Refused to fight? What if they had held back, too afraid or unsure to offer themselves?
Most of us don’t feel like our lives are lived on such a grand scale as the Bielskis. Our day to day lives don’t seem to have that kind of impact. We don’t see any opportunities for heroism in our routines and duties. So it feels okay to hold back, to pass through life on auto-pilot. You can tell that most people are holding back…you see it in their eyes, hear it in their words. For goodness sake, you see it in their hunched up, eyes down, don’t-notice-me posture.
I believe this is a big mistake. You are important. You matter. Your life, which to you can seem mundane and dull, matters. This is not just “feel good, positive psychology.” It is truth. What you do, how you live matters. Ephesians 2:10 says, “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared in advance for us to do.” We are God’s creation, knit together by His hand, fearfully and wonderfully made. He has made us and He has tasks that we were specifically made to do. Not just “we” as in a large group of people, but you. He has things that He has specifically made for you to do, opportunities that only you can fulfill. So it is important, vitally important, that you step up and stop holding back.
There are two main ways that people hold back. Some people hold back by hiding. They may believe that they have nothing special to offer, nothing really to share. In small groups they are quiet, unsure of what to add or contribute. They sit on the sidelines and watch. Others hide by pretending, by faking it. Have you ever been in an argument with someone and the phone rings? One of you answers, using your “everything is fine, so glad you called” voice. Well, the pretenders live their life sharing only that voice. They may lead groups, they may speak up, but they are sharing only what they think people want to hear. Neither one is offering their true self; both are holding back.
People have a lot of good reasons for hiding. Offering your true self, your heart, your courage, and your strength can be terrifying. It is a vulnerable act, and it is extremely risky. People may mock you, they may discourage you, they may misunderstand you. Look at David and Goliath. David was stepping up in a big way when he offered to fight Goliath. He was a boy, not even a soldier, and in front of an army of men he offered to fight the giant. Goliath mocked David, but I bet the words from his older brother struck even deeper “Why have you come down here? I know how conceited you are and how wicked your heart is” (1 Samuel 17:28). But David did not let these words stop him. He stepped up, he refused to hold back, and God used him to slay the giant. I wonder what giants could be slain if more of us were willing to step up.
And so I challenge you to look at your life. Where are you holding back? Where are you hiding or pretending instead of offering yourself? What relationship are you holding back in, reluctant to pursue a deeper connection or confront an issue? What gift are you afraid to share? Where are you tempted to act small? Where do you want to speak up, to offer yourself, but hesitate? What is stopping you?
Monday, August 16, 2010
Investing in Your Marriage
As a bride and groom near their wedding day, they often receive two very different messages about marriage. One is the message promoted by eternal optimists, romantic comedies, and the entire wedding industry. These voices gleefully speak of fairy tales, wedded bliss, and happily ever after. The other message is often spoken more softly, but with equal intensity. It says that marriage is incredibly hard and that happily ever after is only a myth. This message is often spoken with the bitterness of loneliness and unmet expectations. It seems rare to hear a message in between these extremes.
I believe that both of these messages contain part of the truth. Every marriage has struggles and hard times. And marriage can be a wonderful, transformative experience that God uses for His glory and for your good. The best marriages are filled with laughter, tears, joy, pain, hurt feelings, forgiveness, and shared adventure.
I often hear people say that “a good marriage takes work,” and I wonder what that means to them. Certainly a strong marriage requires intentionally addressing and resolving conflict. A successful marriage requires both partners to choose to love, forgive, and stay when the easy choice would be to reject, harbor resentment, and walk away. These choices most definitely require effort and work. But is that the extent of the work that goes into marriage; is working on your marriage limited to times of conflict and stress?
I believe that there is a kind of work necessary for a thriving marriage that has nothing to do with what happens in times of discord and struggle. Perhaps work is even the wrong word. Maybe a better phrase would be “a healthy marriage takes investment.”
Complacency is one of the biggest enemies of marriage. Our bodies need food and water to continue to function. Our appliances need electricity. Why do we expect our marriage to continue to function without regularly being nourished? And yet, it certainly becomes easy to loose track of our marriage in the hectic pace of a busy life. The demands of schedules, jobs, and children make it difficult to find time to genuinely connect. It can be easy to wake up one morning and not remember the last time you really made eye contact with your spouse, let alone had a decent conversation. But marriage requires intentional investment to grow; without this investment, couples end up either angry and resentful of one another or disconnected, living as roommates but not true partners.
Most people know and like the idea of weekly date night, but beyond that find it difficult to identify ways to invest in their marriage. And, when a weekly date night is difficult to implement because of financial constraints or lack of childcare, it can be a challenging to come up with ways to make the marital relationship a priority while managing life. Here are a few suggestions for investing in your relationship with your spouse:
• Share meals together with minimal distractions. Turn off the TV and computer and put away the newspaper. Make eye contact and share conversation while you eat.
• Have daily check-ins. Share the highs and lows of your day with one another. This will give you insight into what brings your spouse joy and what he or she finds challenging or difficult.
• Choose one night a week to “unplug.” Turn off the phones, computer, TV, and video games for a set amount of time. Use this night for talking to one another, playing games, or reading together.
• Kiss each other when you part ways for the day and when you return to each other. This simple act reinforces that you value one another and are happy to see each other again.
• Ask your spouse how you can love him/her better. You may be surprised by the answer and how easy it is to better care for your husband or wife.
• Look for things you like about your spouse. Do you appreciate how kind your husband is to the teller at the bank? Did your wife make you laugh out loud at the end of a long day? Take note of these things and tell your spouse...as well as other people. Thinking kind thoughts about your spouse impacts your overall attitude towards him or her. Saying kind words takes it a step farther.
• Discuss your priorities for your family. Examine how your lifestyle reflects these priorities, and if necessary, make changes.
• Share something. A movie, a hobby, a joke, a chore, an ice cream sundae. The shared experience is an opportunity to draw closer to one another.
• Pray together. Nothing builds connection like coming before the Lord together and sharing your hearts with Him.
• Create rituals for the two of you. Maybe you go for a walk on Monday nights or make popcorn on Thursdays after the kids are in bed. Maybe you go to the same restaurant every year for your anniversary. These rituals set aside time to honor your relationship.
Daily investment in your marriage can be as simple as some of these suggestions. Some days it may feel natural and easy to invest in your marriage; other days it can seem to require unimaginable energy and effort. On the easy days and on the hard days, it is incredibly important. How do you invest in your marriage?
I believe that both of these messages contain part of the truth. Every marriage has struggles and hard times. And marriage can be a wonderful, transformative experience that God uses for His glory and for your good. The best marriages are filled with laughter, tears, joy, pain, hurt feelings, forgiveness, and shared adventure.
I often hear people say that “a good marriage takes work,” and I wonder what that means to them. Certainly a strong marriage requires intentionally addressing and resolving conflict. A successful marriage requires both partners to choose to love, forgive, and stay when the easy choice would be to reject, harbor resentment, and walk away. These choices most definitely require effort and work. But is that the extent of the work that goes into marriage; is working on your marriage limited to times of conflict and stress?
I believe that there is a kind of work necessary for a thriving marriage that has nothing to do with what happens in times of discord and struggle. Perhaps work is even the wrong word. Maybe a better phrase would be “a healthy marriage takes investment.”
Complacency is one of the biggest enemies of marriage. Our bodies need food and water to continue to function. Our appliances need electricity. Why do we expect our marriage to continue to function without regularly being nourished? And yet, it certainly becomes easy to loose track of our marriage in the hectic pace of a busy life. The demands of schedules, jobs, and children make it difficult to find time to genuinely connect. It can be easy to wake up one morning and not remember the last time you really made eye contact with your spouse, let alone had a decent conversation. But marriage requires intentional investment to grow; without this investment, couples end up either angry and resentful of one another or disconnected, living as roommates but not true partners.
Most people know and like the idea of weekly date night, but beyond that find it difficult to identify ways to invest in their marriage. And, when a weekly date night is difficult to implement because of financial constraints or lack of childcare, it can be a challenging to come up with ways to make the marital relationship a priority while managing life. Here are a few suggestions for investing in your relationship with your spouse:
• Share meals together with minimal distractions. Turn off the TV and computer and put away the newspaper. Make eye contact and share conversation while you eat.
• Have daily check-ins. Share the highs and lows of your day with one another. This will give you insight into what brings your spouse joy and what he or she finds challenging or difficult.
• Choose one night a week to “unplug.” Turn off the phones, computer, TV, and video games for a set amount of time. Use this night for talking to one another, playing games, or reading together.
• Kiss each other when you part ways for the day and when you return to each other. This simple act reinforces that you value one another and are happy to see each other again.
• Ask your spouse how you can love him/her better. You may be surprised by the answer and how easy it is to better care for your husband or wife.
• Look for things you like about your spouse. Do you appreciate how kind your husband is to the teller at the bank? Did your wife make you laugh out loud at the end of a long day? Take note of these things and tell your spouse...as well as other people. Thinking kind thoughts about your spouse impacts your overall attitude towards him or her. Saying kind words takes it a step farther.
• Discuss your priorities for your family. Examine how your lifestyle reflects these priorities, and if necessary, make changes.
• Share something. A movie, a hobby, a joke, a chore, an ice cream sundae. The shared experience is an opportunity to draw closer to one another.
• Pray together. Nothing builds connection like coming before the Lord together and sharing your hearts with Him.
• Create rituals for the two of you. Maybe you go for a walk on Monday nights or make popcorn on Thursdays after the kids are in bed. Maybe you go to the same restaurant every year for your anniversary. These rituals set aside time to honor your relationship.
Daily investment in your marriage can be as simple as some of these suggestions. Some days it may feel natural and easy to invest in your marriage; other days it can seem to require unimaginable energy and effort. On the easy days and on the hard days, it is incredibly important. How do you invest in your marriage?
Monday, August 9, 2010
When Feelings Aren't Fun
A friend recently recounted an interesting conversation she had with her husband. They were discussing emotions and wondering if it was appropriate to label emotions as either positive or negative. Are happiness, excitement, peace, and tenderness positive emotions, while anger, grief, sadness, and fear are negative emotions?
My initial reaction was to say that I don’t believe emotions are positive or negative; some are pleasant to experience, others are unpleasant. All are necessary. Placing a value judgment on an emotion seems to imply that it should be avoided, and this would be neither healthy nor possible. However, I soon realized that it wasn’t such a simple question. Emotions and what we do with them are an important and weighty topic; the kind of topic that entire books are written about, and certainly a worthy topic for reflection.
These reflections led me to consider the function of emotions. Every emotion serves a purpose. Chip Dodd wrote that “emotions are the voice of the heart.” Our emotions speak to us about what is happening in our heart, in our truest core. The Bible sets the heart in a position of utmost importance; “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). If emotions speak for our hearts, they must be very important. The joy we feel in laughter, the excitement of an upcoming vacation, the tenderness we feel toward our families, all reveal truths about what is happening in our heart. And, anger, sadness, and grief do the same. They speak to us about loss, perceived injustice, and pain.
Revelation 21:4 says that in heaven “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” There will be a day when sorrow, suffering, and injustice are no more. And in that time, anger, fear, and sadness will be tools that our hearts no longer need. They will be put aside, as our hearts have only joy, happiness, love, peace, and tenderness to speak. Until then, our hearts need all these tools to speak, to connect to others and to God, and to inform us.
My primary concern in labeling emotions as negative is that we will then try and avoid them. This is problematic on two levels. First, it’s not possible. As long as we live in a reality where pain and suffering and injustice live, we will experience emotions that do not feel pleasant. Despite the fact that it’s not possible to avoid emotions that don’t feel good, some people do quite the job trying. By disconnecting and disengaging from their heart, they learn not to hear the voice of their emotions. They may very rarely feel sadness, grief, or anger. This is denial, and it is not living in reality. If God is in reality, then to live in denial is to live disconnected from God.
I have heard many people disparage these “unpleasant emotions.” I frequently hear people say that they cannot trust their emotions, that emotions are foolish. And yes, it would be foolish to act from emotions alone. We need the reason that also exists in our hearts, and we need to choose our actions and responses wisely. But acting without acknowledging our emotions is also foolish.
This line of reasoning may fit easily when thinking about emotions related to major life events. Sure, we feel sadness and grief over a loss. But what about when you feel angry that your 4 month old won’t stop crying, or that your spouse is home late for dinner? What if you are irritated because the commuter next to you won’t stop snapping his gum? What if you are sad because your watch broke? Even these emotions, often labeled petty, are messages from our hearts. We need to hear these messages, identify and experience them, and then move forward. Anger usually speaks of a perceived injustice. So what does anger at a crying baby say? Well, not having a quiet moment to sleep, eat, or shower certainly feels unfair! We can experience this anger, identify it, and decide what to do with it. We can choose to continue to care for the screaming child, and begin to take some slow, deep breaths. We can remind ourselves that all babies cry and that this will not last forever. We can make a phone call to a friend, asking if they will come watch the baby and give us a short break. We can say a prayer and ask for strength and patience beyond what we currently have. These choices certainly seem preferable to ignoring the message from our emotions, which can lead to dramatic outbursts or an overall numbing of the heart, neither of which is desirable.
Some emotions aren’t pleasant and do not feel good. However, they are necessary, and they speak of our hearts in ways that can challenge and inform us. It is important to acknowledge our emotions and consider what they are telling us. What do you think about this challenging topic?
My initial reaction was to say that I don’t believe emotions are positive or negative; some are pleasant to experience, others are unpleasant. All are necessary. Placing a value judgment on an emotion seems to imply that it should be avoided, and this would be neither healthy nor possible. However, I soon realized that it wasn’t such a simple question. Emotions and what we do with them are an important and weighty topic; the kind of topic that entire books are written about, and certainly a worthy topic for reflection.
These reflections led me to consider the function of emotions. Every emotion serves a purpose. Chip Dodd wrote that “emotions are the voice of the heart.” Our emotions speak to us about what is happening in our heart, in our truest core. The Bible sets the heart in a position of utmost importance; “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). If emotions speak for our hearts, they must be very important. The joy we feel in laughter, the excitement of an upcoming vacation, the tenderness we feel toward our families, all reveal truths about what is happening in our heart. And, anger, sadness, and grief do the same. They speak to us about loss, perceived injustice, and pain.
Revelation 21:4 says that in heaven “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” There will be a day when sorrow, suffering, and injustice are no more. And in that time, anger, fear, and sadness will be tools that our hearts no longer need. They will be put aside, as our hearts have only joy, happiness, love, peace, and tenderness to speak. Until then, our hearts need all these tools to speak, to connect to others and to God, and to inform us.
My primary concern in labeling emotions as negative is that we will then try and avoid them. This is problematic on two levels. First, it’s not possible. As long as we live in a reality where pain and suffering and injustice live, we will experience emotions that do not feel pleasant. Despite the fact that it’s not possible to avoid emotions that don’t feel good, some people do quite the job trying. By disconnecting and disengaging from their heart, they learn not to hear the voice of their emotions. They may very rarely feel sadness, grief, or anger. This is denial, and it is not living in reality. If God is in reality, then to live in denial is to live disconnected from God.
I have heard many people disparage these “unpleasant emotions.” I frequently hear people say that they cannot trust their emotions, that emotions are foolish. And yes, it would be foolish to act from emotions alone. We need the reason that also exists in our hearts, and we need to choose our actions and responses wisely. But acting without acknowledging our emotions is also foolish.
This line of reasoning may fit easily when thinking about emotions related to major life events. Sure, we feel sadness and grief over a loss. But what about when you feel angry that your 4 month old won’t stop crying, or that your spouse is home late for dinner? What if you are irritated because the commuter next to you won’t stop snapping his gum? What if you are sad because your watch broke? Even these emotions, often labeled petty, are messages from our hearts. We need to hear these messages, identify and experience them, and then move forward. Anger usually speaks of a perceived injustice. So what does anger at a crying baby say? Well, not having a quiet moment to sleep, eat, or shower certainly feels unfair! We can experience this anger, identify it, and decide what to do with it. We can choose to continue to care for the screaming child, and begin to take some slow, deep breaths. We can remind ourselves that all babies cry and that this will not last forever. We can make a phone call to a friend, asking if they will come watch the baby and give us a short break. We can say a prayer and ask for strength and patience beyond what we currently have. These choices certainly seem preferable to ignoring the message from our emotions, which can lead to dramatic outbursts or an overall numbing of the heart, neither of which is desirable.
Some emotions aren’t pleasant and do not feel good. However, they are necessary, and they speak of our hearts in ways that can challenge and inform us. It is important to acknowledge our emotions and consider what they are telling us. What do you think about this challenging topic?
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
The Beginning
I experience a sense of awe every time I hold a brand new baby. This tiny little creature, with unbelievably small fingernails, soft eyelashes, and wrinkled skin is a brand new person. Part of what hits me is the newness of the infant. Who will this baby be? What will his temperament be? What joys and heartbreaks lay ahead, what potential drifts to sleep in my arms? It feels hopeful to think these thoughts. Hopeful and a bit frightening.
That is how beginnings often are. A new home, a new job, a move, a marriage. Each of these beginnings holds so much possibility, so much hope, potential, and opportunity. And, right next to these hopes and dreams sits a bit of fear. There is risk in beginnings, in adventure.
And this, this is a beginning. In March, 2010 the Professional Services branch of the Upper Valley Compassionate Care Center (UVCCC) officially opened. The UVCCC is a faith-based, non-profit organization with the vision of providing high standards of professional care and peer support from a Christian perspective. We were started by a group of people who noticed a scarcity of resources for people who were hurting, and who wanted desperately to help. The UVCCC has two branches: professional services and peer support. Our staff consists of trained volunteers and caring, well-qualified professional counselors. We are committed to helping people grow, heal, and recover and are here to serve all members of the community, regardless of religious background or affiliation.
My name is Lauren Shaw, and I am a psychologist at the UVCCC. I also coordinate professional services at the center. I offer individual counseling for children, adolescents, and adults, as well as couples and family counseling. One of my favorite Bible verses is 2 Corinthians 5:18, "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation." This is the calling I feel on my life...to join in this ministry of reconciliation, helping people to reconcile and reconnect with their own hearts, with others, and with God through Christ.
I will be writing this blog as a tool to aid in that mission. My hope is that I will provide a useful resource for those journeying into a deeper, richer life and more engaged, connected relationships. I am open to any suggestions for topics or information that may be useful or encouraging.
In many ways, the UVCCC is similar to a new child. We are a new ministry, fresh with hopes and dreams for what the future may hold. We are excited to see what God will do, how He will use us in the work He is doing. We are filled with hope and excitement. And, we believe we were made for adventures like these, for risking big and watching Him work.
That is how beginnings often are. A new home, a new job, a move, a marriage. Each of these beginnings holds so much possibility, so much hope, potential, and opportunity. And, right next to these hopes and dreams sits a bit of fear. There is risk in beginnings, in adventure.
And this, this is a beginning. In March, 2010 the Professional Services branch of the Upper Valley Compassionate Care Center (UVCCC) officially opened. The UVCCC is a faith-based, non-profit organization with the vision of providing high standards of professional care and peer support from a Christian perspective. We were started by a group of people who noticed a scarcity of resources for people who were hurting, and who wanted desperately to help. The UVCCC has two branches: professional services and peer support. Our staff consists of trained volunteers and caring, well-qualified professional counselors. We are committed to helping people grow, heal, and recover and are here to serve all members of the community, regardless of religious background or affiliation.
My name is Lauren Shaw, and I am a psychologist at the UVCCC. I also coordinate professional services at the center. I offer individual counseling for children, adolescents, and adults, as well as couples and family counseling. One of my favorite Bible verses is 2 Corinthians 5:18, "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation." This is the calling I feel on my life...to join in this ministry of reconciliation, helping people to reconcile and reconnect with their own hearts, with others, and with God through Christ.
I will be writing this blog as a tool to aid in that mission. My hope is that I will provide a useful resource for those journeying into a deeper, richer life and more engaged, connected relationships. I am open to any suggestions for topics or information that may be useful or encouraging.
In many ways, the UVCCC is similar to a new child. We are a new ministry, fresh with hopes and dreams for what the future may hold. We are excited to see what God will do, how He will use us in the work He is doing. We are filled with hope and excitement. And, we believe we were made for adventures like these, for risking big and watching Him work.
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