Secrets

This week a 9-year-old was talking to me about secrets. He very seriously informed me that there are good secrets and there are bad secrets. Good secrets are pieces of information that you choose not to repeat out of respect for someone’s privacy. They involve information that is in no way dangerous, hurtful, or harmful. Bad secrets are pieces of information that do have the potential to hurt or harm, or that report something dangerous. A good secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she thinks Jim is cute, but she doesn’t want anyone else to know. A bad secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she stole Jim’s toy. I thought these were very good rules for secrets, and a part of my longed for the days when the distinction between “good secrets” and “bad secrets” was so well-defined.


In a grown-up world, it’s rarely that simple. Where are the privacy lines drawn? What is the difference between being secretive and being private? How do you decide what is more hurtful: betraying a confidence or keeping quiet? And what about when the potential hurt or harm is emotional and relational, and seems very hard to predict?

I think secrets are dangerous and almost always harmful. I’m clearly not talking about “Sarah thinks Jim is cute” secrets or “I bought my sister this great birthday present” secrets. I’m talking about real, grown-up relational and family secrets. Secrets about everything from alcoholism to loneliness to eating disorders to hurt feelings. Secrets about traumatic pasts, unsatisfying presents, and fearful futures. Your own thoughts, longings, and fears, things that eat at you but never get spoken. The things told to you in confidence that feel like a burden of knowledge you’re not sure what to do with.

These secrets are dangerous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, very few things stay secret forever. It is a terrible thing to live in fear that a secret will be exposed. It is also terrible when a secret is exposed in an unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted way. Second, I believe that unspoken secrets have power. In its very nature, a secret is powerful. Once it is spoken it loses its power. Allowing secrets to dwell in our lives gives them power over us and our relationships. This is a dangerous thing. And finally, I do not believe that secrets are of the Lord. 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.” Secrets are hidden in the dark, cobwebbed corners of our hearts. Allowing these dark corners to remain keeps the light of Christ out of our hearts.

I challenge you to think about the things that are consciously unspoken in your life. The things that nag at your heart and weigh you down, the things that feel dark and hidden. Secrets may feel shameful and embarrassing. What kind of power do these secrets have over you and your relationships? Then, prayerfully consider if you should share this secret, and if so, how, when, and with whom. It is important to choose safe places to share your secrets. A safe, wise person can provide useful counsel about how to proceed once you have begun the process of exposing what has been hidden.

John 12:46 “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” We are called to live in the light, and it’s a call worth pursuing.