When Feelings Aren't Fun

A friend recently recounted an interesting conversation she had with her husband. They were discussing emotions and wondering if it was appropriate to label emotions as either positive or negative. Are happiness, excitement, peace, and tenderness positive emotions, while anger, grief, sadness, and fear are negative emotions?

My initial reaction was to say that I don’t believe emotions are positive or negative; some are pleasant to experience, others are unpleasant. All are necessary. Placing a value judgment on an emotion seems to imply that it should be avoided, and this would be neither healthy nor possible. However, I soon realized that it wasn’t such a simple question. Emotions and what we do with them are an important and weighty topic; the kind of topic that entire books are written about, and certainly a worthy topic for reflection.

These reflections led me to consider the function of emotions. Every emotion serves a purpose. Chip Dodd wrote that “emotions are the voice of the heart.” Our emotions speak to us about what is happening in our heart, in our truest core. The Bible sets the heart in a position of utmost importance; “Above all else, guard your heart, for it is the wellspring of life” (Proverbs 4:23). If emotions speak for our hearts, they must be very important. The joy we feel in laughter, the excitement of an upcoming vacation, the tenderness we feel toward our families, all reveal truths about what is happening in our heart. And, anger, sadness, and grief do the same. They speak to us about loss, perceived injustice, and pain.

Revelation 21:4 says that in heaven “There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.” There will be a day when sorrow, suffering, and injustice are no more. And in that time, anger, fear, and sadness will be tools that our hearts no longer need. They will be put aside, as our hearts have only joy, happiness, love, peace, and tenderness to speak. Until then, our hearts need all these tools to speak, to connect to others and to God, and to inform us.

My primary concern in labeling emotions as negative is that we will then try and avoid them. This is problematic on two levels. First, it’s not possible. As long as we live in a reality where pain and suffering and injustice live, we will experience emotions that do not feel pleasant. Despite the fact that it’s not possible to avoid emotions that don’t feel good, some people do quite the job trying. By disconnecting and disengaging from their heart, they learn not to hear the voice of their emotions. They may very rarely feel sadness, grief, or anger. This is denial, and it is not living in reality. If God is in reality, then to live in denial is to live disconnected from God.

I have heard many people disparage these “unpleasant emotions.” I frequently hear people say that they cannot trust their emotions, that emotions are foolish. And yes, it would be foolish to act from emotions alone. We need the reason that also exists in our hearts, and we need to choose our actions and responses wisely. But acting without acknowledging our emotions is also foolish.

This line of reasoning may fit easily when thinking about emotions related to major life events. Sure, we feel sadness and grief over a loss. But what about when you feel angry that your 4 month old won’t stop crying, or that your spouse is home late for dinner? What if you are irritated because the commuter next to you won’t stop snapping his gum? What if you are sad because your watch broke? Even these emotions, often labeled petty, are messages from our hearts. We need to hear these messages, identify and experience them, and then move forward. Anger usually speaks of a perceived injustice. So what does anger at a crying baby say?  Well, not having a quiet moment to sleep, eat, or shower certainly feels unfair! We can experience this anger, identify it, and decide what to do with it. We can choose to continue to care for the screaming child, and begin to take some slow, deep breaths. We can remind ourselves that all babies cry and that this will not last forever. We can make a phone call to a friend, asking if they will come watch the baby and give us a short break. We can say a prayer and ask for strength and patience beyond what we currently have. These choices certainly seem preferable to ignoring the message from our emotions, which can lead to dramatic outbursts or an overall numbing of the heart, neither of which is desirable.

Some emotions aren’t pleasant and do not feel good. However, they are necessary, and they speak of our hearts in ways that can challenge and inform us. It is important to acknowledge our emotions and consider what they are telling us. What do you think about this challenging topic?