As the mother of a 19-month-old, I hear and say the word “no” very frequently. In fact, I’ve decided that my assignment for people who say they have a hard time saying “no” is to spend a day with an active toddler. You get lots of practice!
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
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