Investing in Your Marriage

As a bride and groom near their wedding day, they often receive two very different messages about marriage. One is the message promoted by eternal optimists, romantic comedies, and the entire wedding industry. These voices gleefully speak of fairy tales, wedded bliss, and happily ever after. The other message is often spoken more softly, but with equal intensity. It says that marriage is incredibly hard and that happily ever after is only a myth. This message is often spoken with the bitterness of loneliness and unmet expectations. It seems rare to hear a message in between these extremes.

I believe that both of these messages contain part of the truth. Every marriage has struggles and hard times. And marriage can be a wonderful, transformative experience that God uses for His glory and for your good. The best marriages are filled with laughter, tears, joy, pain, hurt feelings, forgiveness, and shared adventure.

I often hear people say that “a good marriage takes work,” and I wonder what that means to them. Certainly a strong marriage requires intentionally addressing and resolving conflict. A successful marriage requires both partners to choose to love, forgive, and stay when the easy choice would be to reject, harbor resentment, and walk away. These choices most definitely require effort and work. But is that the extent of the work that goes into marriage; is working on your marriage limited to times of conflict and stress?

I believe that there is a kind of work necessary for a thriving marriage that has nothing to do with what happens in times of discord and struggle. Perhaps work is even the wrong word. Maybe a better phrase would be “a healthy marriage takes investment.”

Complacency is one of the biggest enemies of marriage. Our bodies need food and water to continue to function. Our appliances need electricity. Why do we expect our marriage to continue to function without regularly being nourished? And yet, it certainly becomes easy to loose track of our marriage in the hectic pace of a busy life. The demands of schedules, jobs, and children make it difficult to find time to genuinely connect. It can be easy to wake up one morning and not remember the last time you really made eye contact with your spouse, let alone had a decent conversation. But marriage requires intentional investment to grow; without this investment, couples end up either angry and resentful of one another or disconnected, living as roommates but not true partners.


Most people know and like the idea of weekly date night, but beyond that find it difficult to identify ways to invest in their marriage. And, when a weekly date night is difficult to implement because of financial constraints or lack of childcare, it can be a challenging to come up with ways to make the marital relationship a priority while managing life. Here are a few suggestions for investing in your relationship with your spouse:

• Share meals together with minimal distractions. Turn off the TV and computer and put away the newspaper. Make eye contact and share conversation while you eat.

• Have daily check-ins. Share the highs and lows of your day with one another. This will give you insight into what brings your spouse joy and what he or she finds challenging or difficult.

• Choose one night a week to “unplug.” Turn off the phones, computer, TV, and video games for a set amount of time. Use this night for talking to one another, playing games, or reading together.

• Kiss each other when you part ways for the day and when you return to each other. This simple act reinforces that you value one another and are happy to see each other again.

• Ask your spouse how you can love him/her better. You may be surprised by the answer and how easy it is to better care for your husband or wife.

• Look for things you like about your spouse. Do you appreciate how kind your husband is to the teller at the bank? Did your wife make you laugh out loud at the end of a long day? Take note of these things and tell your spouse...as well as other people. Thinking kind thoughts about your spouse impacts your overall attitude towards him or her. Saying kind words takes it a step farther.

• Discuss your priorities for your family. Examine how your lifestyle reflects these priorities, and if necessary, make changes.

• Share something. A movie, a hobby, a joke, a chore, an ice cream sundae. The shared experience is an opportunity to draw closer to one another.

• Pray together. Nothing builds connection like coming before the Lord together and sharing your hearts with Him.

• Create rituals for the two of you. Maybe you go for a walk on Monday nights or make popcorn on Thursdays after the kids are in bed. Maybe you go to the same restaurant every year for your anniversary. These rituals set aside time to honor your relationship.

Daily investment in your marriage can be as simple as some of these suggestions. Some days it may feel natural and easy to invest in your marriage; other days it can seem to require unimaginable energy and effort. On the easy days and on the hard days, it is incredibly important. How do you invest in your marriage?