Christmas Conflict

The day after Thanksgiving is a big day at my parent’s house. It is not Black Friday shopping deals that lure everyone out of bed and into the cold…it’s the hunt for the perfect Christmas tree. The whole day is filled with traditions and rituals that mark the beginning of the Christmas season. It’s a big deal, and has always been one of my favorite days of the year. In my mind, Christmas trees go up right after Thanksgiving.


My husband’s family has an entirely different set of Christmas traditions and rituals, and part of their tradition is that the tree goes up much closer to Christmas day. When my husband first heard how early my family put the tree up, he thought it sounded rather ridiculous.

I do not share this story to further ignite the ever-popular “when should the tree go up?” debate, but as a reminder of the marital conflict that often emerges around the Christmas season. Somehow, what ideally would be a time of celebration and gratitude often turns into a time of snippy conversations and hurt feelings.

You’ve probably heard it said that we all enter marriage with baggage. Well, one of those bags should probably be labeled “Christmas.” Because I can guarantee you that both you and your partner came into the relationship with powerful experiences and expectations about the holiday season. Perhaps December was the one time of the year when your family spent quality time together. Maybe you were given wonderful gifts, and always felt treasured and valued at Christmas time. Or maybe Christmas was more often filled with disappointment and bitterness. Whatever your set of experiences, you brought your Christmas baggage with you into your marriage, and some of it gets unpacked each and every holiday season. This baggage can often lead to conflict, and these conflicts tend to intensify when there are children involved. So how do you keep your Christmas as conflict-free as possible?

The first step is to understand the Christmas baggage that is present in your family. Set aside time to sit and talk about what Christmas was like for you and your spouse when you were growing up. What traditions did your family have? What was your best Christmas ever? What was your worst Christmas ever? What conflicts did you witness your own parents dealing with? What Christmas traditions feel important to you? What values come to mind when you think about Christmas?

As you are discussing the ghosts of Christmas past, really listen to your spouse. Ask questions and seek to gather more information. Why are certain things so important? At first it may seem strange to you that putting an orange in the bottom of every stocking feels critically important to your spouse. However, as you listen, you may learn that generations of his or her family have done this, and this small tradition creates a sense of history and connection that are incredibly valuable. So listen closely and try to hear your spouse’s heart.

The second important discussion involves what you want Christmas to look like for your family. Begin by exploring what values feel most important to honor during this season. For example, you may identify celebrating Christ, spending time with extended family, and giving to those in need. These key values will help give you direction as you plan out your holidays and choose which traditions feel important. This intentional and thoughtful planning can help eliminate much of the conflict many couples experience.

Throughout these conversations, I encourage you to think about how you can be generous to your spouse. Perhaps you still don’t fully understand why she won’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving or why he insists on making pancakes on Christmas Eve even though they are never ready on time and the kids end up eating Pop Tarts first. Can you choose to genuinely love your spouse by honoring these traditions?

One of the most significant arenas of conflict usually involves extended family and in-laws, and how to deal with and respond to family beyond your own nuclear family unit. In fact, much of the Christmas baggage usually ties directly to extended family or in-laws. Even as adults, it is important to honor your parents. Christmas is a wonderfully opportunity to love and cherish the larger family that you have been blessed with. And, it is important to remember that as a husband and wife, your primary responsibility is to one another and to your children. When thinking about Christmas plans and traditions, work to consider your nuclear family and their well-being first, and then extend your thoughts.

Perhaps Christmas has never been a source of conflict or tension in your marriage. However, your partnership can still be strengthened by having these conversations and remembering these principles.