Introverts and Extroverts

My dear friend Jen called me this week and told me a story about her sweet 3-year-old daughter. Jen was talking to her daughter about their plans for the day, and she told her that two of her friends were coming over to play that afternoon. Her daughter is an introvert who often feels overwhelmed by large groups of people, and so in preparation Jen was clarifying that just two friends were coming over. Her daughter nodded and very seriously responded that she was glad it was only two friends, because having lots of friends over made her feel tired. This smart three year old was able to understand and articulate her preferences in a way that many adults cannot. I was impressed!

One of the most popular personality classifications describes people as introverts or extroverts. This classification is based on where people draw their energy from- their inside world or the outside environment. Introverts are energized by time alone, while extroverts are energized by time with others. Everyone has some introverted parts to them and some extroverted parts, yet everyone has a primary and dominant preference. So, while at some times and in some situations you may prefer alone time, if overall you feel energized and recharged by social interactions, overall you are an extrovert. Being an introvert or an extrovert is not good or bad, and one preference is not better than the other. These are personality descriptors that tell us how we best function and prefer to engage the world.

Introverts prefer to do things by themselves or with one or two special friends or family members. They enjoy time alone, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to function best. They usually prefer to process events, experiences, and conversations internally before they are able and willing to discuss them with someone else. They often have a strong sense of personal space and do not like people to sit or stand too close to them. One of my favorite lines from an introvert to her extroverted spouse is “I love you, and I can love you from over here!” as she scooted an inch or so more away from him on the couch. Introverts also prefer uninterrupted work time, where they can focus on the task in front of them without being distracted by others.


Extroverts prefer to do things with other people. They are energized by being in a group. They want to tell you about their experiences as soon as possible, and they often think by talking. Sometimes extroverts are surprised by what they are saying, as they verbalize something in the same instant that they become aware of the thought or emotion. Extroverts need a great deal of approval and affirmation. They are energized by time with people, feedback, and time to talk.

One of the biggest misconceptions I often hear about these personality types is that introverts are shy and retiring while extroverts are outgoing and gregarious. I have known several very outgoing introverts who are perfectly comfortable public speaking, interacting with a crowd, and meeting new people. However, these experiences tend to be very draining for them, and after a busy social time they need time alone to recharge. Conversely, a quieter extrovert may not be the life of the party and may be terrified by the idea of speaking in front of a large group of people. However, the extrovert needs social activities to feel energized and they think and process best through social and relational interactions.

I have found that for most people it is very helpful to understand themselves as an introvert or an extrovert. Understanding ourselves can help us take care of ourselves better. If introversion and extroversion are about where we derive energy, then they tell us about our energy needs. And, when we understand what energizes and depletes us, we can help monitor and care for our energy needs like we do our nutritional and sleep needs.

I know that some people read about “caring for your energy needs,” and immediately assume that it doing so is selfish or frivolous. But I would argue that by understanding how we best operate, we can prepare ourselves to love and serve most genuinely and effectively.

Let me provide two examples that are particularly relevant to this season. For an extrovert, winter in snowy climates (particularly rural, snowy climates) can be an unpleasant time. Weather may limit activities and make it hard to get out and engage in regular social activities. This lack of social interaction can leave an extrovert feeling empty, drained, cranky, and isolated. Understanding that these feelings may be coming from a lack of social interaction can be a helpful first step. And, taking steps to ensure regular relational interaction can keep some of these feelings at bay. You may set up weekly phone dates, be sure to take advantage of the days when the weather is good, or be more conscientious about making family time more of an engaging, social time instead of time spent together but not interacting.

Alternately, the holiday season can be very draining for an introvert. Christmas parties, time with extended family, and limited down time can be very taxing. The introvert may end up feeling exhausted, even on Christmas vacation. Understanding that you need some time alone can be crucial. You can try to find time for some alone time, even in the midst of a busy family vacation. You may volunteer to drive to the gas station to get milk, ask if you can sneak away for a 30 minute nap (where you may stay wide awake, but still have quiet time), or get up a bit early in the morning to enjoy the time before the chaos starts. These steps can help make your Christmas more enjoyable for you and help you engage others in a more kind, loving way.


Understanding your temperament and taking steps to meet your energy needs can help you better care for yourself and others. When you feel emotionally energized you can respond more patiently to stress, give more genuinely to those around you, and feel more relaxed and happy.