The Inner Monologue

Most of us have a constant monologue running in our heads, a stream of consciousness filled with thoughts, observations, judgments, questions, and explanations. While most of us know intellectually that this exists, we are relatively unaware of it much of the time. At random moments we may think about what we’re thinking about, but it’s rare.


This may seem like a rather academic and philosophical topic, but it’s actually very important and highly relevant to our daily lives. You see, that monologue is how you explain your world. It is how you understand and interpret what you experience, and it has a direct impact on your behavior.

For example, imagine that you plan to have lunch with a new friend. She calls the day before you planned to meet and says that a work meeting came up and she will have to reschedule. You pick another date, and that day she calls an hour before you plan on getting together and says that she’s very sorry but she’s not feeling well and will need to reschedule again. These are the facts. Your inner monologue helps you understand and interpret them. You may decide that she must not really want to get together with you or build a friendship. You may infer that she is a very busy person and doesn’t have time for you. Or, you may think it is just coincidence that she had to cancel twice, and go ahead and reschedule a third time. Which explanation, or story, you choose will impact how you react to your new friend and whether or not you continue to pursue the relationship.

Most of the time we are completely unaware of this process. We jump straight from the facts to our judgments and conclusions. A driver cuts you off in traffic. “What a jerk,” you think. Your spouse is late coming home from work. “He must be avoiding spending time with me and the kids.” We forget that these conclusions come from both the event and from our thoughts about the event.

Remembering this can make a world of difference. It’s worth repeating: In marriage, parenting, relationships, work, and even casual social interactions, our response is both a response to the situation and a response to the way we are thinking about the situation. And, the way we think about a situation is influenced by our mood that day, how much energy we have to devote to the topic, our personality, our history, and myriad of other sources. Just keeping this concept in mind can decrease defensiveness, make it easier to listen, and decrease negative judgments you quickly make about others.

There are several related ideas that can also be helpful to keep in mind. There can be great wisdom in remembering that we don’t have all of the information. Because we don’t know all of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, motives, behavior, or past experiences, we never have all the information about someone else. Frequently we don’t even have most of the information.

Second, there can be great wisdom in remembering that we could be wrong. The conclusions that we have drawn may be inaccurate. It’s humbling to remember this, particularly in emotionally-charged interactions where we are convinced we are not wrong. However, as human beings, the possibility always remains. You could be wrong.

And finally, I find it helpful to try and offer alternate explanations, or stories, in addition to the ones that immediately come to mind. Your spouse is home late from work, and one possibility is that he is avoiding you. Another is that traffic was bad, and though he left on time, he is arriving home late. Another is that they were short-staffed at work and he had to work late in order to finish up the day’s tasks. Another is that he stopped on the way home to pick up ice cream. These alternate possibilities can help diffuse some of the emotional intensity and allow you to approach the conflict more calmly and openly.

So, I challenge you to become aware of your inner monologue, of the thoughts and conclusions you are drawing about other people. Pay particular attention in conflicts or when you find yourself drawing harsh judgments about someone else. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself, how you are filling in the blanks to jump from the facts to your conclusion. Remind yourself that you could be wrong. Offer alternative explanations. And, when appropriate, share your story with the other person. Ask them if your judgments and assumptions are correct, and listen closely to their response. You may find that they have a very different story to tell.