My dear friend Jen called me this week and told me a story about her sweet 3-year-old daughter. Jen was talking to her daughter about their plans for the day, and she told her that two of her friends were coming over to play that afternoon. Her daughter is an introvert who often feels overwhelmed by large groups of people, and so in preparation Jen was clarifying that just two friends were coming over. Her daughter nodded and very seriously responded that she was glad it was only two friends, because having lots of friends over made her feel tired. This smart three year old was able to understand and articulate her preferences in a way that many adults cannot. I was impressed!
One of the most popular personality classifications describes people as introverts or extroverts. This classification is based on where people draw their energy from- their inside world or the outside environment. Introverts are energized by time alone, while extroverts are energized by time with others. Everyone has some introverted parts to them and some extroverted parts, yet everyone has a primary and dominant preference. So, while at some times and in some situations you may prefer alone time, if overall you feel energized and recharged by social interactions, overall you are an extrovert. Being an introvert or an extrovert is not good or bad, and one preference is not better than the other. These are personality descriptors that tell us how we best function and prefer to engage the world.
Introverts prefer to do things by themselves or with one or two special friends or family members. They enjoy time alone, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to function best. They usually prefer to process events, experiences, and conversations internally before they are able and willing to discuss them with someone else. They often have a strong sense of personal space and do not like people to sit or stand too close to them. One of my favorite lines from an introvert to her extroverted spouse is “I love you, and I can love you from over here!” as she scooted an inch or so more away from him on the couch. Introverts also prefer uninterrupted work time, where they can focus on the task in front of them without being distracted by others.
Extroverts prefer to do things with other people. They are energized by being in a group. They want to tell you about their experiences as soon as possible, and they often think by talking. Sometimes extroverts are surprised by what they are saying, as they verbalize something in the same instant that they become aware of the thought or emotion. Extroverts need a great deal of approval and affirmation. They are energized by time with people, feedback, and time to talk.
One of the biggest misconceptions I often hear about these personality types is that introverts are shy and retiring while extroverts are outgoing and gregarious. I have known several very outgoing introverts who are perfectly comfortable public speaking, interacting with a crowd, and meeting new people. However, these experiences tend to be very draining for them, and after a busy social time they need time alone to recharge. Conversely, a quieter extrovert may not be the life of the party and may be terrified by the idea of speaking in front of a large group of people. However, the extrovert needs social activities to feel energized and they think and process best through social and relational interactions.
I have found that for most people it is very helpful to understand themselves as an introvert or an extrovert. Understanding ourselves can help us take care of ourselves better. If introversion and extroversion are about where we derive energy, then they tell us about our energy needs. And, when we understand what energizes and depletes us, we can help monitor and care for our energy needs like we do our nutritional and sleep needs.
I know that some people read about “caring for your energy needs,” and immediately assume that it doing so is selfish or frivolous. But I would argue that by understanding how we best operate, we can prepare ourselves to love and serve most genuinely and effectively.
Let me provide two examples that are particularly relevant to this season. For an extrovert, winter in snowy climates (particularly rural, snowy climates) can be an unpleasant time. Weather may limit activities and make it hard to get out and engage in regular social activities. This lack of social interaction can leave an extrovert feeling empty, drained, cranky, and isolated. Understanding that these feelings may be coming from a lack of social interaction can be a helpful first step. And, taking steps to ensure regular relational interaction can keep some of these feelings at bay. You may set up weekly phone dates, be sure to take advantage of the days when the weather is good, or be more conscientious about making family time more of an engaging, social time instead of time spent together but not interacting.
Alternately, the holiday season can be very draining for an introvert. Christmas parties, time with extended family, and limited down time can be very taxing. The introvert may end up feeling exhausted, even on Christmas vacation. Understanding that you need some time alone can be crucial. You can try to find time for some alone time, even in the midst of a busy family vacation. You may volunteer to drive to the gas station to get milk, ask if you can sneak away for a 30 minute nap (where you may stay wide awake, but still have quiet time), or get up a bit early in the morning to enjoy the time before the chaos starts. These steps can help make your Christmas more enjoyable for you and help you engage others in a more kind, loving way.
Understanding your temperament and taking steps to meet your energy needs can help you better care for yourself and others. When you feel emotionally energized you can respond more patiently to stress, give more genuinely to those around you, and feel more relaxed and happy.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
An Ode to No
As the mother of a 19-month-old, I hear and say the word “no” very frequently. In fact, I’ve decided that my assignment for people who say they have a hard time saying “no” is to spend a day with an active toddler. You get lots of practice!
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Christmas Conflict
The day after Thanksgiving is a big day at my parent’s house. It is not Black Friday shopping deals that lure everyone out of bed and into the cold…it’s the hunt for the perfect Christmas tree. The whole day is filled with traditions and rituals that mark the beginning of the Christmas season. It’s a big deal, and has always been one of my favorite days of the year. In my mind, Christmas trees go up right after Thanksgiving.
My husband’s family has an entirely different set of Christmas traditions and rituals, and part of their tradition is that the tree goes up much closer to Christmas day. When my husband first heard how early my family put the tree up, he thought it sounded rather ridiculous.
I do not share this story to further ignite the ever-popular “when should the tree go up?” debate, but as a reminder of the marital conflict that often emerges around the Christmas season. Somehow, what ideally would be a time of celebration and gratitude often turns into a time of snippy conversations and hurt feelings.
You’ve probably heard it said that we all enter marriage with baggage. Well, one of those bags should probably be labeled “Christmas.” Because I can guarantee you that both you and your partner came into the relationship with powerful experiences and expectations about the holiday season. Perhaps December was the one time of the year when your family spent quality time together. Maybe you were given wonderful gifts, and always felt treasured and valued at Christmas time. Or maybe Christmas was more often filled with disappointment and bitterness. Whatever your set of experiences, you brought your Christmas baggage with you into your marriage, and some of it gets unpacked each and every holiday season. This baggage can often lead to conflict, and these conflicts tend to intensify when there are children involved. So how do you keep your Christmas as conflict-free as possible?
The first step is to understand the Christmas baggage that is present in your family. Set aside time to sit and talk about what Christmas was like for you and your spouse when you were growing up. What traditions did your family have? What was your best Christmas ever? What was your worst Christmas ever? What conflicts did you witness your own parents dealing with? What Christmas traditions feel important to you? What values come to mind when you think about Christmas?
As you are discussing the ghosts of Christmas past, really listen to your spouse. Ask questions and seek to gather more information. Why are certain things so important? At first it may seem strange to you that putting an orange in the bottom of every stocking feels critically important to your spouse. However, as you listen, you may learn that generations of his or her family have done this, and this small tradition creates a sense of history and connection that are incredibly valuable. So listen closely and try to hear your spouse’s heart.
The second important discussion involves what you want Christmas to look like for your family. Begin by exploring what values feel most important to honor during this season. For example, you may identify celebrating Christ, spending time with extended family, and giving to those in need. These key values will help give you direction as you plan out your holidays and choose which traditions feel important. This intentional and thoughtful planning can help eliminate much of the conflict many couples experience.
Throughout these conversations, I encourage you to think about how you can be generous to your spouse. Perhaps you still don’t fully understand why she won’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving or why he insists on making pancakes on Christmas Eve even though they are never ready on time and the kids end up eating Pop Tarts first. Can you choose to genuinely love your spouse by honoring these traditions?
One of the most significant arenas of conflict usually involves extended family and in-laws, and how to deal with and respond to family beyond your own nuclear family unit. In fact, much of the Christmas baggage usually ties directly to extended family or in-laws. Even as adults, it is important to honor your parents. Christmas is a wonderfully opportunity to love and cherish the larger family that you have been blessed with. And, it is important to remember that as a husband and wife, your primary responsibility is to one another and to your children. When thinking about Christmas plans and traditions, work to consider your nuclear family and their well-being first, and then extend your thoughts.
Perhaps Christmas has never been a source of conflict or tension in your marriage. However, your partnership can still be strengthened by having these conversations and remembering these principles.
My husband’s family has an entirely different set of Christmas traditions and rituals, and part of their tradition is that the tree goes up much closer to Christmas day. When my husband first heard how early my family put the tree up, he thought it sounded rather ridiculous.
I do not share this story to further ignite the ever-popular “when should the tree go up?” debate, but as a reminder of the marital conflict that often emerges around the Christmas season. Somehow, what ideally would be a time of celebration and gratitude often turns into a time of snippy conversations and hurt feelings.
You’ve probably heard it said that we all enter marriage with baggage. Well, one of those bags should probably be labeled “Christmas.” Because I can guarantee you that both you and your partner came into the relationship with powerful experiences and expectations about the holiday season. Perhaps December was the one time of the year when your family spent quality time together. Maybe you were given wonderful gifts, and always felt treasured and valued at Christmas time. Or maybe Christmas was more often filled with disappointment and bitterness. Whatever your set of experiences, you brought your Christmas baggage with you into your marriage, and some of it gets unpacked each and every holiday season. This baggage can often lead to conflict, and these conflicts tend to intensify when there are children involved. So how do you keep your Christmas as conflict-free as possible?
The first step is to understand the Christmas baggage that is present in your family. Set aside time to sit and talk about what Christmas was like for you and your spouse when you were growing up. What traditions did your family have? What was your best Christmas ever? What was your worst Christmas ever? What conflicts did you witness your own parents dealing with? What Christmas traditions feel important to you? What values come to mind when you think about Christmas?
As you are discussing the ghosts of Christmas past, really listen to your spouse. Ask questions and seek to gather more information. Why are certain things so important? At first it may seem strange to you that putting an orange in the bottom of every stocking feels critically important to your spouse. However, as you listen, you may learn that generations of his or her family have done this, and this small tradition creates a sense of history and connection that are incredibly valuable. So listen closely and try to hear your spouse’s heart.
The second important discussion involves what you want Christmas to look like for your family. Begin by exploring what values feel most important to honor during this season. For example, you may identify celebrating Christ, spending time with extended family, and giving to those in need. These key values will help give you direction as you plan out your holidays and choose which traditions feel important. This intentional and thoughtful planning can help eliminate much of the conflict many couples experience.
Throughout these conversations, I encourage you to think about how you can be generous to your spouse. Perhaps you still don’t fully understand why she won’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving or why he insists on making pancakes on Christmas Eve even though they are never ready on time and the kids end up eating Pop Tarts first. Can you choose to genuinely love your spouse by honoring these traditions?
One of the most significant arenas of conflict usually involves extended family and in-laws, and how to deal with and respond to family beyond your own nuclear family unit. In fact, much of the Christmas baggage usually ties directly to extended family or in-laws. Even as adults, it is important to honor your parents. Christmas is a wonderfully opportunity to love and cherish the larger family that you have been blessed with. And, it is important to remember that as a husband and wife, your primary responsibility is to one another and to your children. When thinking about Christmas plans and traditions, work to consider your nuclear family and their well-being first, and then extend your thoughts.
Perhaps Christmas has never been a source of conflict or tension in your marriage. However, your partnership can still be strengthened by having these conversations and remembering these principles.
Monday, November 15, 2010
Seasons
Around this time of year, you start to hear people talking about “the holiday season” and people start wishing you “Seasons Greetings.” It seems that around October a flurry of season-focused activity begins. The weather changes, the leaves light up and drift down, and the days become shorter. It’s Halloween, and then before you know it, Thanksgiving preparations are under way. You hear Christmas music in stores and begin to anticipate the first real snow. It’s the holiday season, the time of year focused on, well, the holidays.
All the talk of seasons has made me think of seasons of life. As we spend our days and our years, we pass through different seasons, times where our experiences, needs, and service are focused in specific and unique ways. Think about the differences between the phases of life of parents with preschoolers and retired grandparents. The demands, troubles, and joys are completely different in these vastly different seasons.
And just as our lives go through different seasons as we grow and mature, our hearts and souls go through different seasons, periods where the needs and experiences of our hearts are unique. Sometimes these heart seasons are heavily influenced by life events; the loss of a loved one, the consuming joy of a new love, distance in key relationships, or times of financial blessing. Other times these heart seasons seem to come organically from our hearts themselves. Nothing significant is happening, but our hearts feel abnormally dry and sad, or inexplicably bursting with joy.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
I see great value in identifying the season of life we are in. In fact, I believe that some of the pain we experience comes from denying the reality of the season we are in and trying to live as though we were in a different period. For example, I was recently talking to some of the most generous people I know. They are currently in a season where the demands of their family and marriage are high, and they are worn out. They are beginning to see that they cannot live like they could in the last season they walked through, where their family demands were lighter and they had more time and more emotional resources. It can be difficult to make those adjustments, to see the phase you are in and recognize that in some ways you may need to reprioritize.
Similarly, you may take a step back and realize that the season of life you are in comes with an abundance of resources. Perhaps you no longer have children living at home, and you find yourself with some extra hours in the day. Perhaps you are in a period of peace and abundance in your family, and you see that you could open your home to friends and community members.
Some of the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3 is in recognizing that there many different seasons, seasons of life and seasons of the heart. There is a time to give and a time to receive, a time to weep and a time to rejoice, a time to spend and a time to save, a time to save and a time to give. These seasons are temporary. Some feel very short, like fall in New England, which seems to evaporate quickly into winter. Some feel very long, like the first months of a new baby’s life where parents get very little sleep. But all are passing and temporary, and the season you are in now will soon pass to another. What season are you living? What are the unique needs and limitations you experience for this season, and how can you give yourself grace as you walk through it? What resources and abundance do you have to share as you journey through this unique season of your life?
All the talk of seasons has made me think of seasons of life. As we spend our days and our years, we pass through different seasons, times where our experiences, needs, and service are focused in specific and unique ways. Think about the differences between the phases of life of parents with preschoolers and retired grandparents. The demands, troubles, and joys are completely different in these vastly different seasons.
And just as our lives go through different seasons as we grow and mature, our hearts and souls go through different seasons, periods where the needs and experiences of our hearts are unique. Sometimes these heart seasons are heavily influenced by life events; the loss of a loved one, the consuming joy of a new love, distance in key relationships, or times of financial blessing. Other times these heart seasons seem to come organically from our hearts themselves. Nothing significant is happening, but our hearts feel abnormally dry and sad, or inexplicably bursting with joy.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
I see great value in identifying the season of life we are in. In fact, I believe that some of the pain we experience comes from denying the reality of the season we are in and trying to live as though we were in a different period. For example, I was recently talking to some of the most generous people I know. They are currently in a season where the demands of their family and marriage are high, and they are worn out. They are beginning to see that they cannot live like they could in the last season they walked through, where their family demands were lighter and they had more time and more emotional resources. It can be difficult to make those adjustments, to see the phase you are in and recognize that in some ways you may need to reprioritize.
Similarly, you may take a step back and realize that the season of life you are in comes with an abundance of resources. Perhaps you no longer have children living at home, and you find yourself with some extra hours in the day. Perhaps you are in a period of peace and abundance in your family, and you see that you could open your home to friends and community members.
Some of the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3 is in recognizing that there many different seasons, seasons of life and seasons of the heart. There is a time to give and a time to receive, a time to weep and a time to rejoice, a time to spend and a time to save, a time to save and a time to give. These seasons are temporary. Some feel very short, like fall in New England, which seems to evaporate quickly into winter. Some feel very long, like the first months of a new baby’s life where parents get very little sleep. But all are passing and temporary, and the season you are in now will soon pass to another. What season are you living? What are the unique needs and limitations you experience for this season, and how can you give yourself grace as you walk through it? What resources and abundance do you have to share as you journey through this unique season of your life?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Offering Support
Have you ever had a friend who was hurting or struggling and you wanted to help but didn’t know what to do? Maybe you even asked, “How can I help? What can I do?” and your friend didn’t really have an answer. We don’t want to invade or push boundaries, and so we end up just watching, feeling helpless when all we want to do is be helpful.
In extreme situations, like death and tragedy, people seem to know what to do to offer love, support, and help. In the best case scenarios friends and families “circle the wagons,” churches rush in to help, and people feel well-loved and cared for. But sometimes it is hard to know how to best love someone who is in pain. This is certainly true when there is no tragedy present, but life is just hard. We see our friends hurting, and we want be supportive, we’re just not sure what to do. We offer to help, ask our friends if they need anything, and say all the kind words we can think of. We tell our friends we’re praying for them, and we do. These are wonderful places to start, but sometimes we’re left feeling like we want to do more, we just don’t know what.
There are ways that we can practically love and support someone who is struggling, who is walking through a difficult time. The first step is to think about what you know about your friend. I have found three questions very useful in trying to determine how to best support someone. First, what is their personality type? Do they open their home to anybody or are they more private? Do they seem energized by social gatherings, or do they highly prize their alone time? A person who is extroverted and loves to get out may be encouraged by an impromptu dinner with friends or a “Girl’s Night Out.” A more introverted individual may appreciate your help in clearing space in their life for some alone time, whether by offering babysitting or helping with some household chores.
Second, how does this person tend to offer help to others? Often the ways that we love others offers important information about how we want to be loved. Does your friend always send thoughtful cards or flowers? Are they the first to show up with a home-cooked meal or to hug someone who is crying? These may be the very ways that your friend would best receive love and support.
And finally, think about things you know your friend likes. Is your friend’s day brightened by a fountain drink from the gas station? Does she treat herself with a chocolate dessert on Friday nights? Is music an important part of his life? These preferences and idiosyncrasies can serve as a springboard for excellent ideas on how to best encourage and bless your friend.
Maybe you don’t know the answers to these questions, or are still feeling uncertain about what to do. I have spent time with a lot of people who are in pain, and I have heard many stories about how others have offered care and support. There are certain things that almost everyone appreciates and interprets as loving and supportive.
• Make a meal. If possible, make something that can be frozen or will last in the refrigerator for a few days. This way they can eat it whenever they want it.
• Is the person you want to help a parent with young children? Offer to babysit. If the children are young and still need naps, it might be most helpful to go to the person’s house and watch the kids there while the parent(s) run errands, get coffee, take a nap, take a shower…or whatever else they want and need to do.
• Send or bring flowers. With very few exceptions, everyone (even men!) appreciates getting flowers.
• Tell them you would like to clean their house, not because you saw it and thought it was messy, but because you would like to love them in this way. If they say yes, bring your own cleaning supplies and go to town.
• Buy them a gift certificate for a dinner out, a manicure, a massage, a shopping trip…anything you think they would enjoy.
• Call and check in on a regular basis. Ask for updates, ask how you can help, and let them know you are thinking of them.
• Send a card.
• Offer to spend time together.
• Listen when they want to talk.
• When you are out running errands, give them a call and ask if you can pick anything up, perhaps a prescription at the pharmacy or a few groceries.
• Bake and deliver cookies.
These are just some of the many practical, real ways that you can express love to someone who is going through a hard time. Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Other ways that someone has helped you through a hard time?
In extreme situations, like death and tragedy, people seem to know what to do to offer love, support, and help. In the best case scenarios friends and families “circle the wagons,” churches rush in to help, and people feel well-loved and cared for. But sometimes it is hard to know how to best love someone who is in pain. This is certainly true when there is no tragedy present, but life is just hard. We see our friends hurting, and we want be supportive, we’re just not sure what to do. We offer to help, ask our friends if they need anything, and say all the kind words we can think of. We tell our friends we’re praying for them, and we do. These are wonderful places to start, but sometimes we’re left feeling like we want to do more, we just don’t know what.
There are ways that we can practically love and support someone who is struggling, who is walking through a difficult time. The first step is to think about what you know about your friend. I have found three questions very useful in trying to determine how to best support someone. First, what is their personality type? Do they open their home to anybody or are they more private? Do they seem energized by social gatherings, or do they highly prize their alone time? A person who is extroverted and loves to get out may be encouraged by an impromptu dinner with friends or a “Girl’s Night Out.” A more introverted individual may appreciate your help in clearing space in their life for some alone time, whether by offering babysitting or helping with some household chores.
Second, how does this person tend to offer help to others? Often the ways that we love others offers important information about how we want to be loved. Does your friend always send thoughtful cards or flowers? Are they the first to show up with a home-cooked meal or to hug someone who is crying? These may be the very ways that your friend would best receive love and support.
And finally, think about things you know your friend likes. Is your friend’s day brightened by a fountain drink from the gas station? Does she treat herself with a chocolate dessert on Friday nights? Is music an important part of his life? These preferences and idiosyncrasies can serve as a springboard for excellent ideas on how to best encourage and bless your friend.
Maybe you don’t know the answers to these questions, or are still feeling uncertain about what to do. I have spent time with a lot of people who are in pain, and I have heard many stories about how others have offered care and support. There are certain things that almost everyone appreciates and interprets as loving and supportive.
• Make a meal. If possible, make something that can be frozen or will last in the refrigerator for a few days. This way they can eat it whenever they want it.
• Is the person you want to help a parent with young children? Offer to babysit. If the children are young and still need naps, it might be most helpful to go to the person’s house and watch the kids there while the parent(s) run errands, get coffee, take a nap, take a shower…or whatever else they want and need to do.
• Send or bring flowers. With very few exceptions, everyone (even men!) appreciates getting flowers.
• Tell them you would like to clean their house, not because you saw it and thought it was messy, but because you would like to love them in this way. If they say yes, bring your own cleaning supplies and go to town.
• Buy them a gift certificate for a dinner out, a manicure, a massage, a shopping trip…anything you think they would enjoy.
• Call and check in on a regular basis. Ask for updates, ask how you can help, and let them know you are thinking of them.
• Send a card.
• Offer to spend time together.
• Listen when they want to talk.
• When you are out running errands, give them a call and ask if you can pick anything up, perhaps a prescription at the pharmacy or a few groceries.
• Bake and deliver cookies.
These are just some of the many practical, real ways that you can express love to someone who is going through a hard time. Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Other ways that someone has helped you through a hard time?
Monday, October 25, 2010
Secrets
This week a 9-year-old was talking to me about secrets. He very seriously informed me that there are good secrets and there are bad secrets. Good secrets are pieces of information that you choose not to repeat out of respect for someone’s privacy. They involve information that is in no way dangerous, hurtful, or harmful. Bad secrets are pieces of information that do have the potential to hurt or harm, or that report something dangerous. A good secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she thinks Jim is cute, but she doesn’t want anyone else to know. A bad secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she stole Jim’s toy. I thought these were very good rules for secrets, and a part of my longed for the days when the distinction between “good secrets” and “bad secrets” was so well-defined.
In a grown-up world, it’s rarely that simple. Where are the privacy lines drawn? What is the difference between being secretive and being private? How do you decide what is more hurtful: betraying a confidence or keeping quiet? And what about when the potential hurt or harm is emotional and relational, and seems very hard to predict?
I think secrets are dangerous and almost always harmful. I’m clearly not talking about “Sarah thinks Jim is cute” secrets or “I bought my sister this great birthday present” secrets. I’m talking about real, grown-up relational and family secrets. Secrets about everything from alcoholism to loneliness to eating disorders to hurt feelings. Secrets about traumatic pasts, unsatisfying presents, and fearful futures. Your own thoughts, longings, and fears, things that eat at you but never get spoken. The things told to you in confidence that feel like a burden of knowledge you’re not sure what to do with.
These secrets are dangerous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, very few things stay secret forever. It is a terrible thing to live in fear that a secret will be exposed. It is also terrible when a secret is exposed in an unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted way. Second, I believe that unspoken secrets have power. In its very nature, a secret is powerful. Once it is spoken it loses its power. Allowing secrets to dwell in our lives gives them power over us and our relationships. This is a dangerous thing. And finally, I do not believe that secrets are of the Lord. 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.” Secrets are hidden in the dark, cobwebbed corners of our hearts. Allowing these dark corners to remain keeps the light of Christ out of our hearts.
I challenge you to think about the things that are consciously unspoken in your life. The things that nag at your heart and weigh you down, the things that feel dark and hidden. Secrets may feel shameful and embarrassing. What kind of power do these secrets have over you and your relationships? Then, prayerfully consider if you should share this secret, and if so, how, when, and with whom. It is important to choose safe places to share your secrets. A safe, wise person can provide useful counsel about how to proceed once you have begun the process of exposing what has been hidden.
John 12:46 “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” We are called to live in the light, and it’s a call worth pursuing.
In a grown-up world, it’s rarely that simple. Where are the privacy lines drawn? What is the difference between being secretive and being private? How do you decide what is more hurtful: betraying a confidence or keeping quiet? And what about when the potential hurt or harm is emotional and relational, and seems very hard to predict?
I think secrets are dangerous and almost always harmful. I’m clearly not talking about “Sarah thinks Jim is cute” secrets or “I bought my sister this great birthday present” secrets. I’m talking about real, grown-up relational and family secrets. Secrets about everything from alcoholism to loneliness to eating disorders to hurt feelings. Secrets about traumatic pasts, unsatisfying presents, and fearful futures. Your own thoughts, longings, and fears, things that eat at you but never get spoken. The things told to you in confidence that feel like a burden of knowledge you’re not sure what to do with.
These secrets are dangerous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, very few things stay secret forever. It is a terrible thing to live in fear that a secret will be exposed. It is also terrible when a secret is exposed in an unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted way. Second, I believe that unspoken secrets have power. In its very nature, a secret is powerful. Once it is spoken it loses its power. Allowing secrets to dwell in our lives gives them power over us and our relationships. This is a dangerous thing. And finally, I do not believe that secrets are of the Lord. 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.” Secrets are hidden in the dark, cobwebbed corners of our hearts. Allowing these dark corners to remain keeps the light of Christ out of our hearts.
I challenge you to think about the things that are consciously unspoken in your life. The things that nag at your heart and weigh you down, the things that feel dark and hidden. Secrets may feel shameful and embarrassing. What kind of power do these secrets have over you and your relationships? Then, prayerfully consider if you should share this secret, and if so, how, when, and with whom. It is important to choose safe places to share your secrets. A safe, wise person can provide useful counsel about how to proceed once you have begun the process of exposing what has been hidden.
John 12:46 “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” We are called to live in the light, and it’s a call worth pursuing.
Monday, October 18, 2010
Living on Purpose
Have you ever been driving somewhere and suddenly you’re at your destination, but you have no idea how you got there? You kind of blanked out, and before you know it, you’ve arrived, but you completely missed the journey. It’s a pretty common experience, and sometimes we don’t just have short drives like that, we have entire days. We crawl into bed and wonder where the day went, how we spent our time. Some people experience much of their lives that way, looking back on weeks and months and years with few memories and very little awareness of the journey.
I’m sure there are certain temptations to living on autopilot, but the most obvious is that it is easy. It is infinitely easier to coast through, doing what needs to be done each day and zoning out as much as possible whenever possible.
The problem is that if you live like this, you miss life. You miss everything. And what’s more, the world misses you. Ephesians 2:10 says “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God created in advance for us to do.” I’ve cited this verse before, and I’m sure I will again. God made you, and He has specific, unique purposes for your life. It is possible that you could do these things while on autopilot. It is incredibly likely that you would miss many opportunities, many connections, and much joy. Once again, I am talking about the call to live an engaged, connected, and meaningful life, and to live it on purpose.
Part of this call means living intentionally. By becoming aware of your days and your minutes, of your experiences and emotions and behaviors, you can become more actively engaged in your life. There is power in intention. Imagine that at the end of a long, hard day you decide to take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and curl up on the couch. You have the option of going through the motions, zoning out and letting the evening slip away. Or, you could think about the shower, soft clothes, and time relaxing as a way to take care of yourself. You could think about it as recharging your batteries, finding refreshment after a day that drained you. The intention can make a world of difference in your experience. Similarly, imagine that your two year old is throwing yet another temper tantrum. Are you just managing the fit, trying to survive until bed time? Or are you aware that you are nurturing and training your child, helping him or her to become the person they were made to be? Once again, the intention can make a world of difference in your experience.
So how do you become more aware, of both your experiences and your intentions? First of all, become aware of the narrative of your life. Take a step back and look at your life like you would a book or a movie. You are the main character. What is your purpose? What obstacles are in your way? What purposes and intentions do you want in your life, and what actions do you take to reflect these to the world? Once you are aware of this narrative, work to keep it going. A journal can be a great tool. Writing things down helps to cement them in our memory, which increases our awareness. Maybe you’re not a writer, but you love to take pictures or scrapbook. Work on these activities for every day life, not just special occasions. Take pictures of your walk with your dog, scrapbook a day at the park. If none of these ideas fits for you, perhaps you could work on verbal recollections. Just identifying a high point and low point of the day can help keep the narrative running, and can keep you aware of the life you are living.
In addition to become aware of the narrative of your life, I encourage you to become aware of the purposes behind your behaviors. Think about why you do the things you do, and think big picture. Why are you having dinner with your friend tonight? Maybe it’s because investing in relationships is important to you, and this dinner provides the opportunity to strengthen a friendship that you value. This is helpful even in the most mundane daily activities. Why are you going grocery shopping when you really do not want to go? So that you can provide food and nourishment for your family. Grocery shopping is another way to communicate love and care and to provide for the people you love. Becoming aware of your purposes and intentions can add meaning to your days, keeping them from blending seamlessly into one another.
There are times when autopilot is not a bad thing. There are times when you pull in your driveway and feel happy to be home, regardless of how you got there. However, this is no real way to live a life. Live with purpose, intention, and meaning. There is much to be gained from the journey.
I’m sure there are certain temptations to living on autopilot, but the most obvious is that it is easy. It is infinitely easier to coast through, doing what needs to be done each day and zoning out as much as possible whenever possible.
The problem is that if you live like this, you miss life. You miss everything. And what’s more, the world misses you. Ephesians 2:10 says “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God created in advance for us to do.” I’ve cited this verse before, and I’m sure I will again. God made you, and He has specific, unique purposes for your life. It is possible that you could do these things while on autopilot. It is incredibly likely that you would miss many opportunities, many connections, and much joy. Once again, I am talking about the call to live an engaged, connected, and meaningful life, and to live it on purpose.
Part of this call means living intentionally. By becoming aware of your days and your minutes, of your experiences and emotions and behaviors, you can become more actively engaged in your life. There is power in intention. Imagine that at the end of a long, hard day you decide to take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and curl up on the couch. You have the option of going through the motions, zoning out and letting the evening slip away. Or, you could think about the shower, soft clothes, and time relaxing as a way to take care of yourself. You could think about it as recharging your batteries, finding refreshment after a day that drained you. The intention can make a world of difference in your experience. Similarly, imagine that your two year old is throwing yet another temper tantrum. Are you just managing the fit, trying to survive until bed time? Or are you aware that you are nurturing and training your child, helping him or her to become the person they were made to be? Once again, the intention can make a world of difference in your experience.
So how do you become more aware, of both your experiences and your intentions? First of all, become aware of the narrative of your life. Take a step back and look at your life like you would a book or a movie. You are the main character. What is your purpose? What obstacles are in your way? What purposes and intentions do you want in your life, and what actions do you take to reflect these to the world? Once you are aware of this narrative, work to keep it going. A journal can be a great tool. Writing things down helps to cement them in our memory, which increases our awareness. Maybe you’re not a writer, but you love to take pictures or scrapbook. Work on these activities for every day life, not just special occasions. Take pictures of your walk with your dog, scrapbook a day at the park. If none of these ideas fits for you, perhaps you could work on verbal recollections. Just identifying a high point and low point of the day can help keep the narrative running, and can keep you aware of the life you are living.
In addition to become aware of the narrative of your life, I encourage you to become aware of the purposes behind your behaviors. Think about why you do the things you do, and think big picture. Why are you having dinner with your friend tonight? Maybe it’s because investing in relationships is important to you, and this dinner provides the opportunity to strengthen a friendship that you value. This is helpful even in the most mundane daily activities. Why are you going grocery shopping when you really do not want to go? So that you can provide food and nourishment for your family. Grocery shopping is another way to communicate love and care and to provide for the people you love. Becoming aware of your purposes and intentions can add meaning to your days, keeping them from blending seamlessly into one another.
There are times when autopilot is not a bad thing. There are times when you pull in your driveway and feel happy to be home, regardless of how you got there. However, this is no real way to live a life. Live with purpose, intention, and meaning. There is much to be gained from the journey.
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