Take Care

As I have previously mentioned, I had some pretty rough days in grad school. I also had some pretty great days, a lot of fairly neutral days, and a handful of days that were both wonderful and terrible. It was pretty much a five-year rollercoaster.


At the end of my first year, I had my final meeting with my supervisor, a wonderful woman whom I continue to admire, both professionally and personally. We were talking about the end of the school year and how I would be spending my summer. I told her, probably for the first time, how difficult that year had been for me, and how tired and drained I felt. We talked for awhile, and then she asked me how I planned on taking care of myself that summer.

I don’t think anyone had asked me that question before, certainly not so directly. I had lived with the assumption that we pretty much always take care of ourselves. I showered and got dressed every morning, brushed my teeth and paid my bills, stayed well-fed and met my obligations. Isn’t that how you take care of yourself? Turns out there’s more to it than that.

These days I frequently ask people how they take care of themselves, and I’m usually met with one of two responses. The first is a blank stare, one fairly identical to the one that my supervisor got from me. The second response is an argument, that self-care is self-ish. The arguments usually come from people who adamantly insist that we are called to love others more than ourselves and look to the needs of others, not to our own needs

And I agree. Kind of. Luke 10:27 tells us that the greatest commandments are, “‘Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength and with all your mind’; and, ‘Love your neighbor as yourself.’” Over and over again we are presented with instructions to love others as we love ourselves. And part of being able to love others well involves caring for ourselves. When you are tired, cranky, hungry, and overwhelmed, you have less to offer those around you. When you are out of touch with your heart it is very hard to be connected to the heart of another.

Even more significantly, I have found that we tend to treat others with about the same kindness, gentleness, and compassion with which we are treating ourselves. When we are demanding, judgmental, and harsh with ourselves it spills out into our attitudes and behaviors towards others. The other day I was bemoaning the inconsistency of my toddler to a friend, expressing frustration that the circumstances were the same, but his mood and attitude were totally different. Why was he easy and happy one Thursday and throwing temper tantrums the next, when the daily routine looked identical? She asked me if I was feeling any different, and the truth was that I was feeling very different. I was feeling anxious and overwhelmed, and this was spilling out onto my son. He was responding to my inner state. When we are caring for ourselves and our physical, emotional, and spiritual needs, we can much better care for others.

It is important to add that there are times when you must overlook your own needs or desires to care for someone well. When your newborn baby is screaming to be fed and you need a shower and some food, you may have to put your needs on hold. When a friend is hurting and needs your presence, it is important to be there for them. But, these are temporary situations, not permanent ways of being. If you look at the gospels, Jesus frequently took time away, quiet time by himself. If He saw this as a priority, I believe we should too.

So, how do you take care of yourself? First of all, look at the basics. Are you eating? Are you sleeping? Are you getting physical activity? Are you actively pursuing connection with God? These are some of the most important things we can do to stay healthy and happy, and yet they are often the first things that go. I know that it can be hard, that the demands of life can make it seem impossible to get a good night’s sleep, let alone find time to exercise or stay spiritually connected. Fight to make these things a priority. Be creative in implementation. Perhaps you cannot find an hour to go to the gym, but pushing a stroller up a hill certainly counts as physical activity. Perhaps you can’t find an hour to spend in solitary prayer, but the honest prayers lifted up while pulling out of the driveway can be just as significant.

Then, look for little ways you can take care of yourself in the midst of every day. Does lighting a candle bring you joy? Turning on a favorite CD? Watching the occasional really, really bad reality television show? These activities can be restoring, particularly when you intentionally label them as ways to invest in your well-being.

And finally, look for big ways you can take care of yourself every once in awhile. Maybe you and your spouse can’t get away together every month, but you can make it a priority once a year. Maybe you can’t have a “girl’s night out” every week, but you can once a month. These special events can help refresh your spirit and enable you to better love and care for others.

I believe that caring for yourself well can be a loving and socially responsible act. It can connect you to yourself and to God, and give you the energy and endurance that you need to love others well. How will you take care of yourself this week?