Gratitude

It’s another gray and cold February day in Vermont. There have been snow flakes falling off and on, and I hear we may get a few inches of accumulation at some point this week. We had a few warm days, and much of the snow has melted, but there is still a solid, icy covering that is now dirty and brown. It’s not pretty. For people who are hurting and struggling, the bitter wind and gray sky seem to echo an inner pain and desperation. It can be hard to find joy on days like this.


What do you do when you are struggling to find joy? When the days feel gray and bleak and bitter? Most of us are quick to turn to self-pity and distractions. We are quick to spend our time ruminating on why our life is so hard, on what is weighing us down. Then, to avoid these unpleasantries, we flee to any distraction we can find, be it in busyness, television, exercise, gossip, sports, drinking, or whatever else takes our mind off the pain.

It seems silly to call this the easy way, since nothing about the path of pity and distraction feels easy. There is another path, a way that requires more effort but is infinitely more rewarding. It is the way of gratitude. Brother David Steindel-Rast said, “The root of joy is gratefulness…It is not joy that makes us grateful; it is gratitude that makes us joyful.”

In his brilliant book Ruthless Trust, Brennan Manning writes about the Way of Gratitude. He writes, “It is simply not possible to be simultaneously grateful and resentful or full of self-pity.” There is no doubt that life is hard; at times almost unbearably so. There is no doubt that we need kindness, compassion, grace, and gentleness for ourselves and others. And there is no doubt that choosing a life of gratitude can bring us joy alongside the excruciating pain and teach us to live with the kindness, compassion, grace, and gentleness we so desperately need.

So how do you cultivate a spirit of gratitude? How do you make that choice on a day when it is hard to find much to feel grateful for? First, I believe that gratitude, like any practice, can become a habit. The more that you work on being grateful, the more natural it becomes. I encourage you to sandwich your day in gratitude. As you are getting ready for your day, each day, mentally list 5 things about life you are grateful for. This morning my list included slippers and coffee, as well as my supportive husband. At the end of the day, each day, write down 5 things that you were grateful for about that day. There are certainly benefits to writing down what you are grateful for. You can revisit your list on particularly joyless days and recall the blessings you have been given. Plus, there is something about the act of making gratitude physical that helps it sink in at a deeper level.

Some people fall into the trap of listing the catastrophes that did not befall them that day….”I am thankful that while stuck in traffic I did not get hit by a semi.” While I am sure you are grateful for that fact, part of the exercise is being thankful for what you were given in that day. Regularly drifting into the realm of gratitude primarily for what did not happen can become a sophisticated way of complaining.

Second, you can cultivate a spirit of gratitude by striving to be alert. Keep your eyes open for things you are grateful for. A hot shower might feel particularly soothing when you can categorize it as a gift that you are thankful for. Having your spouse warm up your car for you on a cold winter morning can jump out when you are looking for things to thank him for. Alertness can increase gratitude, which in turn increases joy.

As you build the practice of gratitude, you will find there are levels of this skill. The black belt in gratitude comes when you can genuinely be grateful for the trials, hard times, and pain, because you trust the heart of God toward you. Henri Nowen described gratitude as spiritual work. He wrote, “Let’s not be afraid to look at everything that has brought us to where we are now and trust that we will soon see it in the guiding hand of a loving God.” This is the hard stuff, and it is also a clear path to joy.

We have been trying to teach my 21 month old son to say thank you. He can say the words, but he seems to struggle a bit with the procedure of it all. For example, he will say “cracker please,” and when he gets his cracker he says “you’re welcome.” Sometimes he says thank you the “correct” way, but more often than not he gets a little mixed up. But there is no doubt that he understands the concept of gratitude. Spend a few minutes of focused attention playing with him and he’s bound to hand out a few hugs and kisses. Give him his breakfast and he smiles and laughs. Sing a song and when you’re done (no matter how poorly you sang) he claps. His gratitude spills out of him as joy. And that is what I want for you, that is what I want for myself, on the days where the gray feels overwhelming.