The Inner Monologue

Most of us have a constant monologue running in our heads, a stream of consciousness filled with thoughts, observations, judgments, questions, and explanations. While most of us know intellectually that this exists, we are relatively unaware of it much of the time. At random moments we may think about what we’re thinking about, but it’s rare.


This may seem like a rather academic and philosophical topic, but it’s actually very important and highly relevant to our daily lives. You see, that monologue is how you explain your world. It is how you understand and interpret what you experience, and it has a direct impact on your behavior.

For example, imagine that you plan to have lunch with a new friend. She calls the day before you planned to meet and says that a work meeting came up and she will have to reschedule. You pick another date, and that day she calls an hour before you plan on getting together and says that she’s very sorry but she’s not feeling well and will need to reschedule again. These are the facts. Your inner monologue helps you understand and interpret them. You may decide that she must not really want to get together with you or build a friendship. You may infer that she is a very busy person and doesn’t have time for you. Or, you may think it is just coincidence that she had to cancel twice, and go ahead and reschedule a third time. Which explanation, or story, you choose will impact how you react to your new friend and whether or not you continue to pursue the relationship.

Most of the time we are completely unaware of this process. We jump straight from the facts to our judgments and conclusions. A driver cuts you off in traffic. “What a jerk,” you think. Your spouse is late coming home from work. “He must be avoiding spending time with me and the kids.” We forget that these conclusions come from both the event and from our thoughts about the event.

Remembering this can make a world of difference. It’s worth repeating: In marriage, parenting, relationships, work, and even casual social interactions, our response is both a response to the situation and a response to the way we are thinking about the situation. And, the way we think about a situation is influenced by our mood that day, how much energy we have to devote to the topic, our personality, our history, and myriad of other sources. Just keeping this concept in mind can decrease defensiveness, make it easier to listen, and decrease negative judgments you quickly make about others.

There are several related ideas that can also be helpful to keep in mind. There can be great wisdom in remembering that we don’t have all of the information. Because we don’t know all of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, motives, behavior, or past experiences, we never have all the information about someone else. Frequently we don’t even have most of the information.

Second, there can be great wisdom in remembering that we could be wrong. The conclusions that we have drawn may be inaccurate. It’s humbling to remember this, particularly in emotionally-charged interactions where we are convinced we are not wrong. However, as human beings, the possibility always remains. You could be wrong.

And finally, I find it helpful to try and offer alternate explanations, or stories, in addition to the ones that immediately come to mind. Your spouse is home late from work, and one possibility is that he is avoiding you. Another is that traffic was bad, and though he left on time, he is arriving home late. Another is that they were short-staffed at work and he had to work late in order to finish up the day’s tasks. Another is that he stopped on the way home to pick up ice cream. These alternate possibilities can help diffuse some of the emotional intensity and allow you to approach the conflict more calmly and openly.

So, I challenge you to become aware of your inner monologue, of the thoughts and conclusions you are drawing about other people. Pay particular attention in conflicts or when you find yourself drawing harsh judgments about someone else. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself, how you are filling in the blanks to jump from the facts to your conclusion. Remind yourself that you could be wrong. Offer alternative explanations. And, when appropriate, share your story with the other person. Ask them if your judgments and assumptions are correct, and listen closely to their response. You may find that they have a very different story to tell.

Going Through

One of my favorite children’s books is “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt,” by Michael Rosen. The story tells of a father and his four brave children who cross all kinds of treacherous terrain in their search of a bear. Their refrain is:

We’re going on a bear hunt
We’re going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
We’re not scared

In their journey they come across many obstacles- mud, a snowstorm, a forest, a river, a cave. At each obstacle they exclaim “Oh oh!” and then plunge ahead.

We can’t go over it
We can’t go under it
Oh no! We have to go through it

And they do.


Isn’t that what happens in any adventure that we undertake? A new job, a relationship, a big trip, a major life change? We see the adventure and we dare to move forward. And then we face obstacles, and they look scary. Romance is a thrilling proposition, but working through conflict can feel a lot like scrambling through a pit of mud. Becoming a parent can be one of the most thrilling experiences in life, but night after sleepless, fussy night can feel a lot like a deep, dark cave. Relationships are one of life’s greatest blessings, but facing a river of grief caused by loss or betrayal can be overwhelmingly painful.

And our tendency is to hide from these obstacles. They are hard, they are scary, and the process of going through them may not feel good. Have you ever played hide and seek with a two year old? They believe that if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. Some of the time they believe that if they are behind something (no matter how small a something) you can’t see them. Well, our hiding is about as effective. We avoid the conflicts in a friendship, but that does not make the conflict go away, and the relationship stays stuck, a frustrating source of stress and unhappiness. We feel called to a life change, maybe a move or change in vocation, but we ignore the call because we fear the difficulty inherent in such an uncertain transition.

But the brave little family in the story was on to something. Sometimes you cannot go over an obstacle, you cannot go under an obstacle, you just have to go through it. It’s true with emotions, with grief, with conflicts, and with trials. The only way out is through.


Perhaps you have been hiding and know that there is a conflict, emotion, or obstacle that you need to go through. Or perhaps you haven’t been given a choice, and you are currently in the “through.” What is helpful in times like this?

• Do not try to go through alone. When you feel vulnerable and overwhelmed it is particularly difficult to ask for support, and it is absolutely essential that you do so.


• Remember that you are going through something difficult, but there is another side to this. This will not last forever. A friend recently told me one of her favorite quotes: “Now is not forever.” This is certainly true from an eternal perspective, but it is (usually) true in an earthly perspective as well. You will laugh and enjoy the sun again.


• Be sure to take care of your basic needs: eat, sleep, and move. It takes energy to “go through.”


• Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one step at a time. Many times we feel totally incapable of handling a task or journey, but we can handle the immediate step we need to take.

Isaiah 43:2 says “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Maybe you can’t go over it. Maybe you can’t go under it. Maybe you have to go through it. But no matter what you are going through, you are not going through it alone.

Communication in Marriage Seminar

Exciting Announcement!
Beginning in October, we will be offering monthly seminars at the Upper Valley Compassionate Care Center.  The seminars will be held the first Tuesday of the month, from 7-9 p.m.  For more information and to register, contact us at (603)219-6835 or at uppervccc@gmail.com.  Or feel free to contact me directly via facebook, e-mail, phone, or in person.

October 2010 Workshop

Improving Communication in Marriage- Strategies for Building a Stronger Marriage

Tuesday, October 5

7-9 p.m.

$20/individual              $30/couple

Communication is a crucial part of every marriage. It is important in good times, hard times, periods of conflict, and times of change and transition.  This seminar will help you learn how to communicate most effectively with your spouse.  We will address:

 

· Resolving conflict

· Decision-making

· Apologizing

· Using communication to strengthen your marriage

· Listening

 

Registration deadline is 9/30/10

 

And, coming in November:  Raising A Spirited Child.  Details coming soon!

The Imposters

There is a popular book series entitled “Eat This, Not That.” The book tells you how to make healthy choices at restaurants and grocery stores and how to avoid unhealthy foods that may be masquerading as nutritious foods. For example, the author will show you a seemingly innocuous grilled chicken sandwich and then tell you it has as much saturated fat as a box of doughnuts. It’s actually pretty terrifying. I think the big surprise is that many of these foods look healthy- fruit smoothies, grilled chicken, salads. Most people would agree that a chocolate fudge milkshake is not a health food and should be an occasional treat. But salads are viewed as healthy, not indulgences, so an unhealthy salad feels like an imposter.

We are surrounded by imposters, by products and strategies that promise to satisfy us and make us happy and healthy, but fail to deliver. Usually they just leave us wanting more. We see an advertisement for the new iPad and believe that it will make us happier. But how long does the novelty last? We believe that an exotic vacation will refresh us and yet we come home more tired than when we left. We believe that if we could lose those last 10 pounds, get that next raise, buy that new car, than we would be happy. If we can just make it through the work day and get to the point that we could put our feet up and zone out in front of the TV or the internet…then life will be good.

Imposters come in many forms. Products that promise happiness to their possessor. Financial success or security. Hobbies and activities that we used to enjoy but that have taken on an obsessive quality. We used to shop, eat, and watch TV. Now we overshop, overeat, and schedule our social calendar around the TV guide. Judith Wrights says, “These seemingly harmless habits like overshopping, overeating, watching too much TV, endlessly surfing the internet, procrastinating- they actually keep us from the life we want. They cost us money, rob us of time, numb us from our feelings, mute our consciousness, and drain our energy."

The genius of these imposters is that they are often things that have an appropriate place in our lives. There is nothing wrong with watching TV, spending time online, shopping, enjoying good food or new technology. The problems come when we expect these activities to satisfy, fulfill, and bring us energy. We are in troubled waters when we begin to look to these imposters to bring us life.

I believe that these imposters (and our willingness to accept them) are some of the biggest enemies to living life to the fullest. We buy into the lie that these things will make us happy. And so, we chase and pursue them, often at the cost of the people and priorities that we say we value most. But instead of being content and satisfied, we find ourselves either hungering and thirsting for more, or just feeling numb.

If these are the imposters, what is the real deal? What will satisfy, fulfill, and energize? I believe that the answer is relationships. Relationships with God, others, and self. When Jesus was asked what the greatest commandment was, He answered: “Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: Love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:37-29). I believe that these commandments speak to the crucial importance of relationships. The first and preeminent relationship is with God. By loving the Lord with all your being, you are actively engaged in an intimate relationship with Him. By loving your neighbor you are refusing isolation, risking your heart, and pursuing relationship. And, by loving yourself (loving your neighbor as yourself implies loving yourself) you are caring for your heart and pursuing the person God made you to be.

The thing about the Imposters is that they often crowd out the space needed for relationships. It is difficult to be engaged with a friend if you are both texting, e-mailing, and taking phone calls through your time together. It is difficult to hear the Lord whispering to your heart if there is never quiet time to hear the whispers. And, it is next to impossible to wholeheartedly pursue the Lord when your desires for the Imposters blunt your desire for Him.

So I challenge you to look at your life. Where are you finding yourself believing the Imposters, asking them to fulfill you? Engaging in activities you think you should enjoy, but finding yourself drained or numbed afterward? Identifying the Imposters is a crucial step. Then look at your relationships, in each of the categories I discussed. How are you staying connected to the Lord? Are you engaging with your family and friends? Are you listening to your heart and taking time for yourself?

First Things First

Last week my old laptop caught on fire. Really and truly sparked and flamed. No people or property were injured, but that laptop took its dying breath and went out in a blaze of glory. Truthfully, I am surprised it lasted as long as it did. That little machine survived three years of graduate school, a dissertation, a move to Vermont, and some pretty serious abuse from a determined toddler. It worked itself to death, until the moment that it could not handle anymore and it quite literally burned out. I’ve seen lots of people do the same.


Many times we feel empty, exhausted, and worn out. This is no surprise, and certainly is not an indication that we are doing something wrong. As human beings we have limited physical and psychological resources. We need rest, we need recharging. This is reflected everywhere we look. The changing seasons reflect periods of active growth and rest. Fields are planted, harvested, and let lie. Tides ebb and flow. Our bodies need sleep, food, and water or they cease to function.

Yet many of us do not recognize or honor the need to rest and recharge. We are busy, we have obligations to fulfill and demands to meet. We are constantly accessible by e-mail or phone, we ceaselessly receive texts and e-mails. There is often no real down time, because we are always available and on call. When we do think about taking a break, we feel guilty caring for our hearts and bodies, as if we should not have normal human limits. It can feel selfish to think or talk about taking care of yourself. And many times, we just don’t pay attention to whether or not we are caring for our hearts and bodies in the busy pace of life. We just don’t pay attention at all.

I believe this is one of the reasons people go through life only partly alive; they either do not know how to care for themselves, or they forget. So how do you care for yourself? First of all, pay attention to your physical needs. When we see children acting fussy, one of the first things we do is ask them if they are tired, hungry, or thirsty. And yet as adults, we forget to ask ourselves these questions. Are you pushing yourself so hard that your basic physical needs aren’t being met?

Sleep is often the first physical need to be neglected. Look at the physical effects of sleep deprivation: aching muscles, dizziness, nausea, dry mouth, hallucinations, hand tremors, headaches, increased blood pressure, irritability, memory loss, slow word recall. Even relatively mild sleep deprivation can cause many of these symptoms. It is very difficult to be the person you were made to be when you are consistently physically exhausted. I know that certain stages of life are not at all conducive to sleep. But you need to make regular sleep a priority in order to really care for yourself. This may mean missing a favorite TV show, letting laundry go unfolded, cutting short a social gathering, or going to bed earlier than you thought you ever would as an adult. Prioritizing sleep is prioritizing your optimal functioning.

Another aspect of self-care that people often neglect is adequate nutrition. There are physical and emotional consequences for not eating enough or not eating food with real nutritional value. Our bodies need real food and water to function. I am not preaching any specific diet or advocating cutting out ice cream, caffeine, or anything else. What I am advising is taking a look at your eating patterns to see if you are really taking care of yourself in this department.

Sleep and food are the basics, but for us to thrive physically (which makes it easier to thrive emotionally, relationally, and psychologically) we need activity too. Healthy bodies were made to move. It’s hard to over-emphasize the therapeutic value of physical activity. Walk, ride a bike, play tag, garden. Whatever it is that you do that gets your body moving, do it.

Perhaps you read the last post about living fully alive and expected something more. Something more profound, something more spiritual, something new. I mean, we all know that we need sleep and food and water and we all know we should exercise. This is pretty simple stuff. And don’t worry, there is more. But these are the basics, and they are often neglected. I am amazed at how often I forget these simple principles and how often I see others doing the same. These are some of the first things I stop to assess when I notice that I am feeling stressed, anxious, or overwhelmed. I think we could all use the reminder. After all, we don’t want to burn out.