Structure and Spontaneity

My husband is quite possibly the least physically flexible person in New England. Ask him to touch his toes and he can just about reach his knees. However, he possesses one of the most flexible natures I’ve ever seen. Spontaneously ask him to hang out or help out and nine times out of ten he will say yes. That one time that he says no, it’s usually because I’ve told him it won’t work with our schedule. Because I am not all that flexible. I love schedules, plans, and predictability. Together we make a very good team, though it is a constant learning process to work together and bring out the best in one another instead of just getting frustrated. Both his tendency toward flexibility and my inclination toward structure can lead to problems. Structure on its own leads to rigidity, while flexibility unfettered leads to chaos.

Just like everyone has a natural preference toward introversion or extraversion, everyone has a natural predilection for structure or spontaneity. Those who prefer structure and order are the list-makers among us, the ones attached to their planners and calendars. As parents, they are more likely to work with their children to establish a predictable schedule, having meals, naps, and bedtime at the same time everyday. They do not enjoy surprises and feel best when they know what to expect and how to prepare for it. In fact, sometimes the lack of structure can create a sense of anxiety.

The people who prefer spontaneity operate very differently. They enjoy surprises and feel bored if life is too predictable. They often cannot tell you what their week will hold, or what they have planned for their non-work hours. Too much structure can feel burdensome to them. They can go with the flow, roll with the punches. However, they may struggle to plan ahead and find themselves scrambling at the last minute. They may feel unorganized and unprepared for events as they arise.

Some people may hear the words “structure” and “spontaneity” and automatically assume one is superior to the other. Many people hear and value the preference that is not their natural inclination. As a person who tends toward structure, spontaneity sounds rather scary to me, but also a bit magical and much more fun. However, I have very spontaneous friends who constantly feel that they do not measure up because they lack what they feel is sufficient structure in their life.

We need both spontaneity and structure to function optimally. Too much structure, without room for change and flexibility, and we can become rigid. We lose opportunities to really connect with other people, and we miss the beautiful, unplanned moments in life. Life can become about checking off items on a To Do list instead of about fully participating in the events and experiences before us. Too much spontaneity and our life can melt into chaos. We fail to fulfill responsibilities and obligations in a timely manner. We are always putting something off or scrambling to get something done before it’s too late. Life becomes so much about the moment that we do not prepare for the future or set the boundaries that we and those we love need in order to feel safe.

We need a balance of structure and spontaneity to help us avoid rigidity and chaos. Dan Siegel describes this balance as a river, with rigidity and inflexibility on one bank and chaos and turmoil on the other. You want to learn to navigate the river smoothly in order to avoid getting stuck on one shore or bouncing directionless between the two. Imagine a baseball game. The players need to know the rules in order to play the game. They need to grasp the basic structure of the game, know the boundaries of the field, and understand the position they are playing. Without these rules, the game would just be a group of people with some sports equipment. However, the players also need to be able to respond flexibly to each play, to watch what happens and decide whether or not to swing at that pitch, when to run and when to keep their base. The game requires flexibility and responsiveness.

The same is true with our daily lives. We need structure to move meaningfully and productively through our lives, and we need to be able to flexibly respond to the changing demands and experiences of our day. For example, it can be tremendously helpful to have a meal plan for the week, so that dinner is planned out for each day. However, an unexpectedly hectic day, surprise company, or even a change in taste buds can lead to a change of plans. And that change in plans can be okay.

I challenge you to take a moment and assess the balance of structure and spontaneity in your life. Here are some questions to aid in the process:

• How would you describe your personal preference? Do you lean more toward structure or spontaneity? How would other people describe you?

• How does your personal style benefit your life and help you function at your best?

• How does your personal style create problems for you?

• Do you find yourself missing deadlines, frequently arriving late for meetings or appointments, or failing to fulfill obligations? How can you add some structure into your life to avoid this?

• Is there room in your life for the unexpected? Do you ever feel like you are living to check things off your list instead of actively engaging the world? What happens when your plans don’t work out? How can you add some flexibility to your life?