There are very few truly magical words, phrases that when genuinely expressed unfailingly improve a conversation. But there are some. There are some words that almost always diffuse tension, draw relationships closer, and improve communication. These words seem to shorten the intensity and duration of almost any argument, and help turn a conflict into an opportunity to deepen and strengthen a relationship. The only caveat is that the person expressing these words needs to mean them, and cannot be using them as a manipulative ploy or an attempt to exit the conversation as quickly as possible. If these requirements are meant, truly amazing things can happen.
What are these magic words? They are really quite simple, four common words that are rarely spoken together. These words are: I could be wrong. One of the most magical things about these words is that they don’t always even need to be spoken out loud. Just keeping the mindset that I could be wrong can dramatically decrease the intensity, duration, and frequency of arguments.
Why are these four little words so powerful? When we keep the perspective that we could be wrong, we tend to be much kinder in our arguments, much more willing to listen to another person’s perspective. Many conflicts are miscommunications, and the source of the misunderstanding is often never uncovered. A husband swears he told his wife he made plans to spend time with friends on Saturday; she is convinced she never heard a peep about these plans. Did he not say it? Did she forget he said it? They will most likely never know. If both partners kept the perspective that the error could be, at least partially their responsibility, the argument will be much shorter and much less intense.
Other conflicts involve a different kind of misunderstanding. We interpret each other’s behaviors, and attribute the behavior to the explanation that makes the most sense to us. Two friends are having a pleasant phone conversation, and one suddenly becomes quiet and then says she has to go. The other friend assumes that she inadvertently said something offensive and that her friend is mad. Perhaps this is true, perhaps there is another reason altogether for the quick cut-off. We can never fully know another’s thoughts, motives, and emotions. Therefore, we could always be wrong about the interpretations we make and the inferences we draw. Perhaps if the woman knew exactly what was going on in her friend’s thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, she would come up with a completely different explanation for her behavior. Keeping in mind that our interpretations could be inaccurate can make a world of difference.
There are also conflicts that arise due to simple differences in opinion. During election time, two family members may choose to vote for different candidates. One friend may endorse the idea of letting an infant cry it out at bedtime while another friend disagrees completely. If a topic generates opinions, then there are bound to be millions of them. When differences of opinion exist, debate and conflict often ensue. If we can keep in mind that while we strongly endorse our opinions, we are limited human beings with imperfect interpretations of the world, we can honestly say that we could be wrong. This allows us to truly listen to another person and engage in a kinder, more productive conversation.
When spoken, these words can be extremely powerful. I have seen an argument come to a screeching halt because one person hesitantly offered, “I suppose I could be wrong.” This person did not think that they were wrong. In fact, they wholeheartedly believed that they were in the right. But, by humbly acknowledging that it was possible that they could be wrong, some tension immediately left the room.
The problem is that we do not like to admit that we could be wrong. We don’t think we are wrong, and we desperately want to prove that we are right. Here is where I give it to you straight: you could always be wrong. I could always be wrong. This is simply a function of being human. To deny this fact is nothing more than pride.
So I challenge you to start keeping these four little magic words somewhere in the back of your mind. When a conflict arises, practice saying them to yourself, over and over. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. This thought is not meant to change your position on an issue or spur you to walk away from a conflict. It is not meant to encourage you to back down from taking an action you are convinced is best. What it does is soften your heart, give you ears to listen, and bring you to a more humble and compassionate place. And after all, isn’t that in itself a bit of magic?
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