Both/And

It’s been over three months since my husband, son, and I welcomed our new little one into our family. As predicted, the last months have flown by, a blur of days, nights, feedings, diapers, snuggles, smiles, and tears. I have done my best to hold tight to this time, to savor and delight in the precious moments that so easily get lost.

And there have been many precious moments. Watching my two-year-old cover his baby sister’s head with tender kisses. Seeing my daughter smile at me and marveling at her amazingly long eyelashes. Learning new places in my son’s heart as his independence and verbal ability expand daily. The incredibly early weekend mornings where we all ended up piled in one bed, snoozing and snuggling.

And there have been many difficult moments too. Hearing my daughter scream and not being able to soothe her. Watching temper tantrums and fits escalate and hearing “I do it SELF!” a million times a day. Nearly sleepless nights and painfully early mornings.

The truth is that it has been wonderful. And it has been incredibly hard. It has been good and it has been challenging. And I’ve realized how difficult it can be to talk about times like this, times that are amazing and beautiful and totally overwhelming and horrid, all at the same time.

It’s not only parenting that is like this. Think about marriage, where there is joy and intimacy and adventure, and all the ugliness that can come with sharing life with someone else. Think about the sadness and tenderness at the funeral of a dearly loved family member, who died after a long life lived well. Think about a move, with all the painful goodbyes and loneliness right next to the hope and excitement of new beginnings. Much of life involves joy and hardship sitting side by side.

There is very, very little in life that is all positive or all negative, all easy or all hard, all happy or all sad. Life is complex, and our emotional reactions to life are incredibly complicated. We experience life in a variety of colors and a multitude of shades.

But for some reason, when we talk about life, we paint in broad strokes. We say that everything is good, happy, and wonderful. Or we say that everything is bad, sad, and terrible. We say that we love a new stage or hate a new job. And there may be moments where we do love that stage and do hate that job. But, most of the time, there are parts of the stage we love and parts that we find challenging. There are things about the job that excite us and things that we are very unhappy with. It’s so rarely simple, but we often communicate as though it is.

I challenge you to recognize the complexities of your feelings. Hold the happiness and the sadness and the tenderness and fear all at once. There is great benefit in recognizing and naming your emotions. When you acknowledge what is there, you can decide what to do with it, and choose how to care for your complex emotions.

I also challenge you to tell the truth about the complexities of your feelings. In many situations, it is appropriate to say, “Things are good,” and leave it at that. Much of the time, it is appropriate to paint your experience with broad strokes. But there need to be some people with whom you share the full story, the various shades and colors of your emotional experience.

There need to be people in the world who tell the truth: that life is wonderful and life is hard, life is beautiful and life can be terrible, and sometimes it is all of these things at once.

I have been so encouraged and blessed by those who have had the courage to share their full story with me. By the friends who talk openly about joy living next to sadness and anger. By the people who acknowledge that even the very best parts of life often involve some pain. By the people who can say that things are both good and hard, and one does not negate the other.