I had no idea how messy children were until I had my own. Cognitively I understood that babies and toddlers were not neat and clean little creatures, but the experience is so much more than I had imagined. It’s stickier and gooey-er and wetter and dirtier and overall more tactilely disturbing than I ever could’ve dreamed.
But as messy as children (especially toddlers) are, the truth is that they are no match for the messiness of relationships. Relationships and love and commitment are incredibly messy, unpredictable, and complicated. I have heard many people say that they wish relationships were not so hard, they wish marriage were easier, or they wish that having and maintaining deep friendships did not take so much work. And truly, it would be nice. But, it doesn’t seem to happen. Almost anytime you care for and invest in another person, at some point there is hurt involved.
It makes sense, doesn’t it? Each of us comes into relationships with our own history, our own expectations, our own personality and communication style. This history, expectations, and personality meets a totally different history, expectations, and personality. Together, we build a relationship that over time creates its own history, houses unique relational expectations, and has its own patterns and personality. That’s a lot of factors, a lot of complexity, and a lot of opportunities for misunderstanding, selfishness, cruelty, and pain.
I know this. I believe that this is true, and I have witnessed the pain that relationships can cause. The shattering impact of betrayal, the empty brokenness of abandonment, and the unrelenting ache caused by repeated thoughtlessness. Humans seem almost endlessly creative in the ways that we hurt one another. And yet, I choose to daily engage and go deeper into the relationships in my life. I encourage people to seek community and connectedness, to push closer into their relationships with one another. Why? Why risk the hurt and complication that seem almost inevitable?
Because I believe it’s the only way to really live. We can pass through life alone, but it won’t be any kind of life. We were not created for isolation. We were not meant to live life protected in a solitary bubble. We need each other, desperately. I believe that relationships are the primary tool that God uses to shape, grow, and heal us. Our desire and need for connectedness is a direct reflection of the image of God. God is in constant, deep relationship with Himself through the Trinity, as Father, Son, and Holy Spirit. We reflect the deeply relational nature of God when we pursue true relationship with one another.
This pull toward relationships is so deeply a part of our nature that we will suffer deeply if we deny it. If we refuse to risk, refuse to engage, refuse to take part in real relationships, we will be destroyed. C.S. Lewis wrote, ““To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
Refuse relationships with others, and you will refuse relationship with God. Refuse relationships with others, and you may protect yourself from one kind of pain only to dive into another kind of misery. You will also miss out on all the joy, all the beauty, and all the pleasure that relationships bring. For just as surely as there will be hurt, real relationships bring joy, support, healing, and encouragement. And it is worth it.
In some ways, it would be nice if children came without all the mess. A part of me longs for a life with fewer dirty diapers, spit- up stains, and drool. And that’s okay. It’s not unlike wishing relationships could always be pain-free and easy. But neither wish is a reality, and I believe that if they were, we would miss out on some wonderful, quintessential aspects of both children and relationships. As ridiculous as it sounds, there is something almost sacred about a drool drenched baby kiss. When a sticky little hand reaches up for mine, there is something in that moment that is so beautiful it takes my breath away. There is beauty in the mess. And, I have seen beautiful things grow from very painful parts of relationships.
And so, we risk. We risk the pain, hurt, and heartache than can come, because we believe in the joy and beauty of relationships. We believe we were made for this, for each other. We were not meant to be alone.
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