June 19th. May 4th. These two dates seems to be eternally drilled into my brain. June 19th was the date of my dissertation defense, and from the moment that date was nailed down, my whole life seemed to revolve around getting to that date and all the work the needed to be completed before that day arrived. May 4th was my son’s due date, and I was naïve enough to believe that he would come at or before that date. So, from the time I saw two pink lines and knew the magic date, my whole world seemed to revolve around getting to May 4th. I had a relatively uncomfortable pregnancy, and I can remember ticking off the days on my calendar, wondering how I would manage 12 more weeks, 8 more weeks, 4 more weeks, and so on. In anticipation of both of those dates, I found myself living in the future, waiting, wondering, and worrying about what lay ahead.
I haven’t done an empirical study or read any statistics on this, but it seems that people sleep the worst on Sunday nights. And I don’t think it has anything to do with getting extra sleep Friday or Saturday nights. I think people are looking to the week ahead, and all that there is to do and accomplish and live through, and it keeps them awake. It is Sunday night, but they are already living in the reality of Tuesday afternoon, Thursday morning, and all the other hours in their week.
One of the wonderful things about the human brain is that it has the capacity to remember the past and anticipate the future. These two faculties also seem to cause us a great deal of trouble.
The ability to anticipate the future really is an amazing gift. Where would we be without our ability to plan and organize? To make an appointment for next week and keep that appointment? To know that we are going to want to eat dinner before 6:00 arrives and we are ravenously hungry with no food in the house? To be aware that we are low on gas and need to fill up before taking a long drive through a remote area? It is incredibly important that we be able to plan for and anticipate the future.
Yet for many of us, this skill has gotten rather warped. Rather than just planning our week, we find ourselves projecting ourselves forward into the week. Our thoughts and emotions fly ahead of us, and we find ourselves spending a great deal of time and energy worrying about what will unfold and how it will unfold. It seems that much of the worry and some of the anxiety that people experience is the direct result of trying to live in the future.
If much of the worry we experience is caused by trying to live in the future, it may help to remember that it is actually impossible to do so. We cannot really live in the future. It can’t be done. We only have this second, this moment to live in. Projecting ourselves forward and imagining how things could go does absolutely no good. “Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life?” (Matthew 6:27) Someone once said that time was God’s gift to us because He knows we cannot handle everything at once. Accept the gift of time and stop trying to handle more than the moment.
I have heard many people say, “take it one day at a time,” and I believe there is much wisdom in that cliché. Truthfully, if we choose to remain in reality, it’s our only choice. I know that sometimes one day at a time feels like too much. Some mornings the distance between brushing your teeth when you get up to brushing your teeth before bed feels like an impossible climb. And those days, you take it one hour at a time. Or one minute. Or one second.
Place yourself firmly in the present and trust the next second and minute and hour to the One who holds all time. Matthew 6:34 “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.”
So the next time you are lying awake in bed on a Sunday night and mentally rehearsing all that needs to unfold in the next five or six days, take a deep breath. Become aware of what is happening right then and there. Is your bed warm and cozy? Is your home quiet and peaceful? And choose to live there, in that moment instead.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Monday, March 14, 2011
Change
The theme of my week has been change. My husband took our jar of collected change to the bank and opened a vacation fund. On Saturday night we had the time change. As a family, we are preparing for some major life change. And, this week I had two conversations about change with two very dear friends. One friend was expressing her desire for more change and adventure in her life. She was quick to say that she does not like stress or hard changes, but that she longs for breaks in routine and things that feel new. The other friend is facing major change in her life, and feeling uncomfortable with it. Most of the change is good change, wanted and exciting change, but she feels unsettled by all of the unexpected and new in her life.
Change, even good change, can be challenging. Someone once described people who don’t like change as people “whose ships turn slowly,” and I’ve kept that image in my mind. I imagine a boat trying to make a turn, and the process of changing direction makes the ocean choppy and unsettled. The motion of turning literally rocks the boat, and those on board may lose their footing a bit. Some people love the waves, love the sensation of the boat turning beneath them. Others feel thrown off and sea-sick. They long for calmer waters and a steady course.
We all have different comfort levels with change. For some, a simple change in routine feels seriously upsetting. Construction forces them to take a different route to work, and they feel thrown off for the day. Others can handle small change, but feel unsettled by more significant short-term changes. Vacation feels like a wonderful adventure, but they always feel ready to return home to “normal life.” It’s fun to have company, but it also feels a little disruptive to the daily schedule. Then there are the bigger, yet positive changes. A new job, a new baby, a new home. All things that are wanted and eagerly planned for, but the experience of transition can feel exhausting to some. To others it is energizing and exciting. And other change, the kind that involves loss and fear, is difficult for almost everybody. Saying goodbye to someone you love. Coping with a natural disaster. Good things can come, eventually, from these changes, but the grief and fear involved make the process inevitably hard and painful.
Change is part of life. How can we find comfort when faced with the upset of change? For those of us who are easily challenged by shifts on our boat, how can we find stable footing in a world that feels unstable?
A great deal of comfort can be found by looking beneath the surface of the water. When a major storm or a simple shift in direction causes the surface of the ocean to rise and fall and foam and froth, it is easy to see nothing but the waves. But, if you look deeper, down beneath the surface, you will see that the ocean is calm. There is peace beneath the chaos. That picture, that image alone, can provide some peaceful moments in the midst of change.
But that picture represents something deeper, something truer. When life is rapidly changing and all feels unsettled, there are truths beneath the surface that never change and are not shaken. We can cling to that which we know will never be altered and will never fail. Isaiah 54:10 reminds us, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”
The unfailing love of God can give us peace in the midst of change. Psalm 94:18 says, “When I said ‘my foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Oh Lord, supported me.” There is a bigger picture than the change we are currently experiencing, and remembering the truths, the goodness, and the love of that big picture can provide comfort and peace when we are unsettled.
When change creates chaos, being reminded of these truths can feel as difficult as finding solid footing on a shifting boat in a storm. It is then that we desperately need to find quiet moments to stop and think. We need to meditate and reflect on those truths we know will never change, that peace which exists beneath the chaos. We need to be mindful of that which is always there for us to cling to.
Once we’ve done this, it is so much easier to enjoy the change. We can find the freedom to adapt, to let go of the old and open our hands to the new. We can turn our eyes to the beauty, possibility, and joy we are facing with the change. We can open our ears to the encouraging words of our friends.
In a few days we won’t think about the time change anymore. Many of the changes you are facing now, even ones that feel big, will very quickly become routine, and will soon feel part of the ordinary. But what will remain constant is that our lives will always involve change. Therefore, we will always benefit from learning how to enjoy change, adapt with change, and handle change gracefully.
Change, even good change, can be challenging. Someone once described people who don’t like change as people “whose ships turn slowly,” and I’ve kept that image in my mind. I imagine a boat trying to make a turn, and the process of changing direction makes the ocean choppy and unsettled. The motion of turning literally rocks the boat, and those on board may lose their footing a bit. Some people love the waves, love the sensation of the boat turning beneath them. Others feel thrown off and sea-sick. They long for calmer waters and a steady course.
We all have different comfort levels with change. For some, a simple change in routine feels seriously upsetting. Construction forces them to take a different route to work, and they feel thrown off for the day. Others can handle small change, but feel unsettled by more significant short-term changes. Vacation feels like a wonderful adventure, but they always feel ready to return home to “normal life.” It’s fun to have company, but it also feels a little disruptive to the daily schedule. Then there are the bigger, yet positive changes. A new job, a new baby, a new home. All things that are wanted and eagerly planned for, but the experience of transition can feel exhausting to some. To others it is energizing and exciting. And other change, the kind that involves loss and fear, is difficult for almost everybody. Saying goodbye to someone you love. Coping with a natural disaster. Good things can come, eventually, from these changes, but the grief and fear involved make the process inevitably hard and painful.
Change is part of life. How can we find comfort when faced with the upset of change? For those of us who are easily challenged by shifts on our boat, how can we find stable footing in a world that feels unstable?
A great deal of comfort can be found by looking beneath the surface of the water. When a major storm or a simple shift in direction causes the surface of the ocean to rise and fall and foam and froth, it is easy to see nothing but the waves. But, if you look deeper, down beneath the surface, you will see that the ocean is calm. There is peace beneath the chaos. That picture, that image alone, can provide some peaceful moments in the midst of change.
But that picture represents something deeper, something truer. When life is rapidly changing and all feels unsettled, there are truths beneath the surface that never change and are not shaken. We can cling to that which we know will never be altered and will never fail. Isaiah 54:10 reminds us, “Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed,” says the LORD, who has compassion on you.”
The unfailing love of God can give us peace in the midst of change. Psalm 94:18 says, “When I said ‘my foot is slipping,’ your unfailing love, Oh Lord, supported me.” There is a bigger picture than the change we are currently experiencing, and remembering the truths, the goodness, and the love of that big picture can provide comfort and peace when we are unsettled.
When change creates chaos, being reminded of these truths can feel as difficult as finding solid footing on a shifting boat in a storm. It is then that we desperately need to find quiet moments to stop and think. We need to meditate and reflect on those truths we know will never change, that peace which exists beneath the chaos. We need to be mindful of that which is always there for us to cling to.
Once we’ve done this, it is so much easier to enjoy the change. We can find the freedom to adapt, to let go of the old and open our hands to the new. We can turn our eyes to the beauty, possibility, and joy we are facing with the change. We can open our ears to the encouraging words of our friends.
In a few days we won’t think about the time change anymore. Many of the changes you are facing now, even ones that feel big, will very quickly become routine, and will soon feel part of the ordinary. But what will remain constant is that our lives will always involve change. Therefore, we will always benefit from learning how to enjoy change, adapt with change, and handle change gracefully.
Monday, March 7, 2011
The Old Green-Eyed Monster
Have you ever found yourself jealous of someone else’s Facebook status? I refuse to believe that I’m the only one this happens to. I read a status about someone’s fancy-pants dinner simmering on the stove, and immediately feel a tad insecure about my plan to yet again pull out Kraft Mac and Cheese. I see that someone is packing for a vacation to someplace tropical, and my irritation with the snow and ice increases. There’s something about those pithy little updates that can quickly garner a rather unattractive reaction from my heart.
Most of us can admit that it’s not just Facebook statuses. At some time, in some way, most of us have experienced major jealousy. I have found that there are two levels of jealousy. There is the sneaky jealousy that creeps in when you quickly (and perhaps unintentionally) compare yourself to others. This type of jealousy usually manifests as quickly passing thoughts, such as “Look at how great her hair looks. I wish my hair looked like that,” or “Why is my car such a beater? Everyone else has such better vehicles.” This kind of jealously is subtle; it slowly and insidiously taints your perception of yourself and your life, sometimes without you even being aware of its presence.
There is nothing subtle about the second kind of jealousy. It is the overwhelming, undeniably terrible feeling that comes when someone else has something you desperately want. Your desire is deep and constant, and the reminder that someone else has what you want is excruciatingly painful. You cannot rejoice in the other person’s good fortune; all you can do is sink into your misery and unfulfilled desire.
Jealousy is a truly horrid feeling. Whether it’s the subtle kind or the obvious kind, it’s terrible. I have yet to talk to anybody who enjoys the experience. It’s unpleasant enough to feel discontent; it’s even worse to feel discontent and find yourself shooting the twin arrows of resentment and bitterness at someone else. Proverbs 27:4 describes it well: “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?”
I do not believe that we are powerless over jealousy. First, like any emotion, I believe that jealousy, both subtle and obvious, tells us something, something important. It speaks to deep feelings and desires in our hearts. These desires and feelings can teach us about who we are and reveal important truths about our relationships with each other and with God. Understanding these things about ourselves can show us how to pray, how to reach out to others for help, and how to move forward.
I also believe that part of jealousy’s potency rises from the fact that it is usually kept secret. We very rarely admit our jealousy to another person. Rather, we keep it in, and it festers like a hidden wound. Confessing our jealousy to a trusted confidant defuses some of its power, like air seeping from a balloon. Most of the time jealousy comes from a place of real pain. Some deep desire of our heart is going unmet, and it hurts. Admitting our jealousy forces us to admit to this place of pain. We can then gather up all of our courage and walk into it, allowing ourselves to grieve for what is not. There is often no way around this grief; acknowledging it and accepting it can allow us to let go of the jealousy and deal with what is really there. But we do not have to do this alone, and inviting a friend or counselor to journey with us can make all of the difference.
Gratitude can be another powerful weapon against jealousy. Jealousy turns our attention to what we lack, while gratitude expresses thankfulness for what we have been given. Intentionally focusing our thoughts and minds on what we are grateful for can redirect our attention and reduce jealousy. Perhaps you don’t have a new car and you’re not packing for an exotic vacation. However, there are blessings in your life to be thankful for, and recognizing them can help you change your attitude.
Some final words on jealousy. I think that a lot of times we feel jealous of others because we are trying to be someone we are not. You may look at someone who is outgoing and gregarious and experience jealousy, wishing that you were the life of the party. You may feel jealous when you watch someone sing beautiful or create a stunning work of art. You look at someone else and their temperament or their gifts, and you wish that you could be them instead of you. In these situations, getting rid of jealousy means knowing and appreciating who God made you and what gifts He gave you, and choosing contentment. It’s that ridiculously simple and that impossibly hard.
Most of us can admit that it’s not just Facebook statuses. At some time, in some way, most of us have experienced major jealousy. I have found that there are two levels of jealousy. There is the sneaky jealousy that creeps in when you quickly (and perhaps unintentionally) compare yourself to others. This type of jealousy usually manifests as quickly passing thoughts, such as “Look at how great her hair looks. I wish my hair looked like that,” or “Why is my car such a beater? Everyone else has such better vehicles.” This kind of jealously is subtle; it slowly and insidiously taints your perception of yourself and your life, sometimes without you even being aware of its presence.
There is nothing subtle about the second kind of jealousy. It is the overwhelming, undeniably terrible feeling that comes when someone else has something you desperately want. Your desire is deep and constant, and the reminder that someone else has what you want is excruciatingly painful. You cannot rejoice in the other person’s good fortune; all you can do is sink into your misery and unfulfilled desire.
Jealousy is a truly horrid feeling. Whether it’s the subtle kind or the obvious kind, it’s terrible. I have yet to talk to anybody who enjoys the experience. It’s unpleasant enough to feel discontent; it’s even worse to feel discontent and find yourself shooting the twin arrows of resentment and bitterness at someone else. Proverbs 27:4 describes it well: “Anger is cruel and fury overwhelming, but who can stand before jealousy?”
I do not believe that we are powerless over jealousy. First, like any emotion, I believe that jealousy, both subtle and obvious, tells us something, something important. It speaks to deep feelings and desires in our hearts. These desires and feelings can teach us about who we are and reveal important truths about our relationships with each other and with God. Understanding these things about ourselves can show us how to pray, how to reach out to others for help, and how to move forward.
I also believe that part of jealousy’s potency rises from the fact that it is usually kept secret. We very rarely admit our jealousy to another person. Rather, we keep it in, and it festers like a hidden wound. Confessing our jealousy to a trusted confidant defuses some of its power, like air seeping from a balloon. Most of the time jealousy comes from a place of real pain. Some deep desire of our heart is going unmet, and it hurts. Admitting our jealousy forces us to admit to this place of pain. We can then gather up all of our courage and walk into it, allowing ourselves to grieve for what is not. There is often no way around this grief; acknowledging it and accepting it can allow us to let go of the jealousy and deal with what is really there. But we do not have to do this alone, and inviting a friend or counselor to journey with us can make all of the difference.
Gratitude can be another powerful weapon against jealousy. Jealousy turns our attention to what we lack, while gratitude expresses thankfulness for what we have been given. Intentionally focusing our thoughts and minds on what we are grateful for can redirect our attention and reduce jealousy. Perhaps you don’t have a new car and you’re not packing for an exotic vacation. However, there are blessings in your life to be thankful for, and recognizing them can help you change your attitude.
Some final words on jealousy. I think that a lot of times we feel jealous of others because we are trying to be someone we are not. You may look at someone who is outgoing and gregarious and experience jealousy, wishing that you were the life of the party. You may feel jealous when you watch someone sing beautiful or create a stunning work of art. You look at someone else and their temperament or their gifts, and you wish that you could be them instead of you. In these situations, getting rid of jealousy means knowing and appreciating who God made you and what gifts He gave you, and choosing contentment. It’s that ridiculously simple and that impossibly hard.
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