My dear friend Jen called me this week and told me a story about her sweet 3-year-old daughter. Jen was talking to her daughter about their plans for the day, and she told her that two of her friends were coming over to play that afternoon. Her daughter is an introvert who often feels overwhelmed by large groups of people, and so in preparation Jen was clarifying that just two friends were coming over. Her daughter nodded and very seriously responded that she was glad it was only two friends, because having lots of friends over made her feel tired. This smart three year old was able to understand and articulate her preferences in a way that many adults cannot. I was impressed!
One of the most popular personality classifications describes people as introverts or extroverts. This classification is based on where people draw their energy from- their inside world or the outside environment. Introverts are energized by time alone, while extroverts are energized by time with others. Everyone has some introverted parts to them and some extroverted parts, yet everyone has a primary and dominant preference. So, while at some times and in some situations you may prefer alone time, if overall you feel energized and recharged by social interactions, overall you are an extrovert. Being an introvert or an extrovert is not good or bad, and one preference is not better than the other. These are personality descriptors that tell us how we best function and prefer to engage the world.
Introverts prefer to do things by themselves or with one or two special friends or family members. They enjoy time alone, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to function best. They usually prefer to process events, experiences, and conversations internally before they are able and willing to discuss them with someone else. They often have a strong sense of personal space and do not like people to sit or stand too close to them. One of my favorite lines from an introvert to her extroverted spouse is “I love you, and I can love you from over here!” as she scooted an inch or so more away from him on the couch. Introverts also prefer uninterrupted work time, where they can focus on the task in front of them without being distracted by others.
Extroverts prefer to do things with other people. They are energized by being in a group. They want to tell you about their experiences as soon as possible, and they often think by talking. Sometimes extroverts are surprised by what they are saying, as they verbalize something in the same instant that they become aware of the thought or emotion. Extroverts need a great deal of approval and affirmation. They are energized by time with people, feedback, and time to talk.
One of the biggest misconceptions I often hear about these personality types is that introverts are shy and retiring while extroverts are outgoing and gregarious. I have known several very outgoing introverts who are perfectly comfortable public speaking, interacting with a crowd, and meeting new people. However, these experiences tend to be very draining for them, and after a busy social time they need time alone to recharge. Conversely, a quieter extrovert may not be the life of the party and may be terrified by the idea of speaking in front of a large group of people. However, the extrovert needs social activities to feel energized and they think and process best through social and relational interactions.
I have found that for most people it is very helpful to understand themselves as an introvert or an extrovert. Understanding ourselves can help us take care of ourselves better. If introversion and extroversion are about where we derive energy, then they tell us about our energy needs. And, when we understand what energizes and depletes us, we can help monitor and care for our energy needs like we do our nutritional and sleep needs.
I know that some people read about “caring for your energy needs,” and immediately assume that it doing so is selfish or frivolous. But I would argue that by understanding how we best operate, we can prepare ourselves to love and serve most genuinely and effectively.
Let me provide two examples that are particularly relevant to this season. For an extrovert, winter in snowy climates (particularly rural, snowy climates) can be an unpleasant time. Weather may limit activities and make it hard to get out and engage in regular social activities. This lack of social interaction can leave an extrovert feeling empty, drained, cranky, and isolated. Understanding that these feelings may be coming from a lack of social interaction can be a helpful first step. And, taking steps to ensure regular relational interaction can keep some of these feelings at bay. You may set up weekly phone dates, be sure to take advantage of the days when the weather is good, or be more conscientious about making family time more of an engaging, social time instead of time spent together but not interacting.
Alternately, the holiday season can be very draining for an introvert. Christmas parties, time with extended family, and limited down time can be very taxing. The introvert may end up feeling exhausted, even on Christmas vacation. Understanding that you need some time alone can be crucial. You can try to find time for some alone time, even in the midst of a busy family vacation. You may volunteer to drive to the gas station to get milk, ask if you can sneak away for a 30 minute nap (where you may stay wide awake, but still have quiet time), or get up a bit early in the morning to enjoy the time before the chaos starts. These steps can help make your Christmas more enjoyable for you and help you engage others in a more kind, loving way.
Understanding your temperament and taking steps to meet your energy needs can help you better care for yourself and others. When you feel emotionally energized you can respond more patiently to stress, give more genuinely to those around you, and feel more relaxed and happy.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Monday, December 6, 2010
An Ode to No
As the mother of a 19-month-old, I hear and say the word “no” very frequently. In fact, I’ve decided that my assignment for people who say they have a hard time saying “no” is to spend a day with an active toddler. You get lots of practice!
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
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