No Quick Fix

I tend to impatient. When I order fast food, I don’t want to wait in a long line to order and then wait a long time for it to be ready. I want my fast food fast. When I go to the grocery store, I look for the quickest line. Sometimes I switch if the line is not moving fast enough. And then I get really irritated if I ended up switching to the slower line. Traffic raises my blood pressure. I love it when I can watch a TV show without having to watch commercials. Sometimes I even wish people would talk a little faster. So it seems incredibly accurate to say that I can be impatient.

But I don’t think it’s just me. I think we live in a society that caters to the impatient. In fact, I think our culture that tells us that we should not be forced to wait. Endless information is instantly at our fingertips and keyboards. When we complain about a webpage loading slowly, our complaints seem totally valid. If we realize we need to make a phone call, we can usually do it instantly, no matter where we are or what we are doing. We often don’t have to wait at all for the things that we want and need. Our attention spans seem to be diminishing in proportion to the increased pace at which our lives move.

In many ways, the instant nature of our culture is a good thing. I mean, how great is it to be able to fast forward through commercials? How many moms out there have thanked God for the speed at which you can make a box of Kraft Mac and Cheese? But in other ways, the instant nature of our culture is dangerous. We have learned to expect things NOW. Our culture and our very nature have taught us to look for the quick fix, the easy solution.

And there is a lot about life that is neither quick nor easy.

There are a lot of pains, a lot of struggles, and a lot of conflicts that are not resolved in minutes, hours, days, weeks, months, or even years. Some hard times last a long time.

Think about the pain of infertility, about coming face to face with disappointment and sadness every month, or every time you hear a baby cry. Think about the grief of losing a loved one, and daily confronting the pain of life without someone you once couldn’t imagine life without. Think about the time it takes to recreate a sense of home and community after a major move. Think about depression, anxiety, loneliness.

And it’s not just the big things either. Some seasons of life are just hard. A stressful job may stay stressful for a long time; a marriage may remain under pressure season after season. Sometimes there is no quick fix and no instant answer.

And that’s okay. It’s not just you. Everyone wants a quick fix, and everyone faces times and trials where there does not seem to be one. There is not something wrong with you because your problems don’t resolve in an hour, like they do on TV. You are not failing because it’s not easier yet. Just because it’s not better now does not mean that it won’t get better. This too shall pass. This may last, but it will not last forever.

I write these things because they are true, and because I too need the reminder.

So breathe deep. Persevere. Persist. Hope. Acknowledge that there is not an easy answer or instant solution. Be kind to yourself and to those you love who are facing struggles without fast solutions. Tell them that you will not tire of loving them, will not tire of supporting them, will not tire of hearing about their pain. Remind yourself of the Truth you know about trials, suffering, and perseverance. And then cling to that Truth with everything you’ve got.

Two Lists

When I am having a rough day I listen to James Taylor. It started my first year of graduate school, when I realized that James Taylor’s Greatest Hits CDs set the perfect backdrop for studying and paper-writing. The songs were familiar and comfortable, and provided background noise that comforted but did not distract. And now, years later, I still turn to those CDs on rough days, and they almost always help me feel better.

Listening to James Taylor CDs is on my list. As is praying, writing in my journal, lighting candles, drinking a good cup of coffee, calling a friend, going on a walk, reading, and taking a shower. These activities are all on my Take Care List, a list of activities that help me take good care of myself. I am a strong believer in these kinds of lists.

I believe that caring for yourself well can be a loving and socially responsible act. It can connect you to yourself and to God, and give you the energy and endurance that you need to love others well. When we are hungry, tired, cranky, or overwhelmed, we have less to offer those we love. And, when we are out of touch with our own heart, it is very challenging to be connected to someone else’s heart. We have limited resources, and we need to be refueled and recharged in order to most effectively love and serve the world around us.

What will refuel and energize you is unique. You may feel energized by time with people, or you may desperately crave time alone. Some people feel rejuvenated by spending time baking, while others find this a tedious chore. Listening to James Taylor may have the opposite effect on you that it has on me. However, it is extremely important that we learn to identify the things that give us energy and perspective, so that we can learn how to best care for ourselves.

Several weeks ago I was working with a very wise ten-year-old. He is in the midst of a season of change and transition, which is making it even more important that he take good care of him self. We were working on his list, and we had a lot of good ideas written down.

He surprised me by asked when we were going to make a list of things he should avoid. He told me that just like there were things he could do to make his anxiety and “yucky feelings” less intense, there were things he sometimes did that made these feelings more intense. He gave me the example of playing video games. “I love playing video games, but when I’m feeling the yucky feelings, video games make it worse. I need to stay away from them, or I start to feel out of control.” He added several other things to his Stay Away List, including being too busy, being around a big group of people, and watching intense movies or TV shows.

I was amazed by his insight. Just like there are things that we can do to help ourselves feel better, there are things we can avoid that can keep us from feeling worse. Identifying these things requires knowing ourselves and our preferences and understanding the impact that our choices have on our mood.

Sometimes the things on our Stay Away List are the things we find ourselves running to when we feel sad, anxious, irritable, or tired. When we are feeling the “yucky feelings,” the temptation mounts to eat too much junk food or drink too much beer. Suddenly the idea of checking out in front of the TV becomes increasingly appealing. We may find ourselves shopping for things we don’t really need or want or wasting endless hours mindlessly surfing the internet. These things become increasingly tempting, but they may ultimately make us feel worse.

Just like the Take Care list, the Stay Away List is unique and personal. The things I need to avoid may be the very things that help you. For example, an extrovert may find that getting together with a group of friends recharges them in an important way, while an introvert finds the very same gathering incredibly draining. Perhaps two hours of reality TV will refresh me but leave you feeling even more discouraged and discontent.

The key is knowing who you are and knowing how to best care for your body, heart, mind, and soul. How do your choices impact your mood, health, and overall well-being? What makes you feel better? What makes you feel worse? What things can you add to your life to help you be the person you were made to be? What things do you need to carefully avoid in times of stress or emotional intensity?

Know yourself and know what helps you be the most fully-alive, fully-connected version of yourself.