The day after Thanksgiving is a big day at my parent’s house. It is not Black Friday shopping deals that lure everyone out of bed and into the cold…it’s the hunt for the perfect Christmas tree. The whole day is filled with traditions and rituals that mark the beginning of the Christmas season. It’s a big deal, and has always been one of my favorite days of the year. In my mind, Christmas trees go up right after Thanksgiving.
My husband’s family has an entirely different set of Christmas traditions and rituals, and part of their tradition is that the tree goes up much closer to Christmas day. When my husband first heard how early my family put the tree up, he thought it sounded rather ridiculous.
I do not share this story to further ignite the ever-popular “when should the tree go up?” debate, but as a reminder of the marital conflict that often emerges around the Christmas season. Somehow, what ideally would be a time of celebration and gratitude often turns into a time of snippy conversations and hurt feelings.
You’ve probably heard it said that we all enter marriage with baggage. Well, one of those bags should probably be labeled “Christmas.” Because I can guarantee you that both you and your partner came into the relationship with powerful experiences and expectations about the holiday season. Perhaps December was the one time of the year when your family spent quality time together. Maybe you were given wonderful gifts, and always felt treasured and valued at Christmas time. Or maybe Christmas was more often filled with disappointment and bitterness. Whatever your set of experiences, you brought your Christmas baggage with you into your marriage, and some of it gets unpacked each and every holiday season. This baggage can often lead to conflict, and these conflicts tend to intensify when there are children involved. So how do you keep your Christmas as conflict-free as possible?
The first step is to understand the Christmas baggage that is present in your family. Set aside time to sit and talk about what Christmas was like for you and your spouse when you were growing up. What traditions did your family have? What was your best Christmas ever? What was your worst Christmas ever? What conflicts did you witness your own parents dealing with? What Christmas traditions feel important to you? What values come to mind when you think about Christmas?
As you are discussing the ghosts of Christmas past, really listen to your spouse. Ask questions and seek to gather more information. Why are certain things so important? At first it may seem strange to you that putting an orange in the bottom of every stocking feels critically important to your spouse. However, as you listen, you may learn that generations of his or her family have done this, and this small tradition creates a sense of history and connection that are incredibly valuable. So listen closely and try to hear your spouse’s heart.
The second important discussion involves what you want Christmas to look like for your family. Begin by exploring what values feel most important to honor during this season. For example, you may identify celebrating Christ, spending time with extended family, and giving to those in need. These key values will help give you direction as you plan out your holidays and choose which traditions feel important. This intentional and thoughtful planning can help eliminate much of the conflict many couples experience.
Throughout these conversations, I encourage you to think about how you can be generous to your spouse. Perhaps you still don’t fully understand why she won’t listen to Christmas music until after Thanksgiving or why he insists on making pancakes on Christmas Eve even though they are never ready on time and the kids end up eating Pop Tarts first. Can you choose to genuinely love your spouse by honoring these traditions?
One of the most significant arenas of conflict usually involves extended family and in-laws, and how to deal with and respond to family beyond your own nuclear family unit. In fact, much of the Christmas baggage usually ties directly to extended family or in-laws. Even as adults, it is important to honor your parents. Christmas is a wonderfully opportunity to love and cherish the larger family that you have been blessed with. And, it is important to remember that as a husband and wife, your primary responsibility is to one another and to your children. When thinking about Christmas plans and traditions, work to consider your nuclear family and their well-being first, and then extend your thoughts.
Perhaps Christmas has never been a source of conflict or tension in your marriage. However, your partnership can still be strengthened by having these conversations and remembering these principles.
Monday, November 29, 2010
Monday, November 15, 2010
Seasons
Around this time of year, you start to hear people talking about “the holiday season” and people start wishing you “Seasons Greetings.” It seems that around October a flurry of season-focused activity begins. The weather changes, the leaves light up and drift down, and the days become shorter. It’s Halloween, and then before you know it, Thanksgiving preparations are under way. You hear Christmas music in stores and begin to anticipate the first real snow. It’s the holiday season, the time of year focused on, well, the holidays.
All the talk of seasons has made me think of seasons of life. As we spend our days and our years, we pass through different seasons, times where our experiences, needs, and service are focused in specific and unique ways. Think about the differences between the phases of life of parents with preschoolers and retired grandparents. The demands, troubles, and joys are completely different in these vastly different seasons.
And just as our lives go through different seasons as we grow and mature, our hearts and souls go through different seasons, periods where the needs and experiences of our hearts are unique. Sometimes these heart seasons are heavily influenced by life events; the loss of a loved one, the consuming joy of a new love, distance in key relationships, or times of financial blessing. Other times these heart seasons seem to come organically from our hearts themselves. Nothing significant is happening, but our hearts feel abnormally dry and sad, or inexplicably bursting with joy.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
I see great value in identifying the season of life we are in. In fact, I believe that some of the pain we experience comes from denying the reality of the season we are in and trying to live as though we were in a different period. For example, I was recently talking to some of the most generous people I know. They are currently in a season where the demands of their family and marriage are high, and they are worn out. They are beginning to see that they cannot live like they could in the last season they walked through, where their family demands were lighter and they had more time and more emotional resources. It can be difficult to make those adjustments, to see the phase you are in and recognize that in some ways you may need to reprioritize.
Similarly, you may take a step back and realize that the season of life you are in comes with an abundance of resources. Perhaps you no longer have children living at home, and you find yourself with some extra hours in the day. Perhaps you are in a period of peace and abundance in your family, and you see that you could open your home to friends and community members.
Some of the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3 is in recognizing that there many different seasons, seasons of life and seasons of the heart. There is a time to give and a time to receive, a time to weep and a time to rejoice, a time to spend and a time to save, a time to save and a time to give. These seasons are temporary. Some feel very short, like fall in New England, which seems to evaporate quickly into winter. Some feel very long, like the first months of a new baby’s life where parents get very little sleep. But all are passing and temporary, and the season you are in now will soon pass to another. What season are you living? What are the unique needs and limitations you experience for this season, and how can you give yourself grace as you walk through it? What resources and abundance do you have to share as you journey through this unique season of your life?
All the talk of seasons has made me think of seasons of life. As we spend our days and our years, we pass through different seasons, times where our experiences, needs, and service are focused in specific and unique ways. Think about the differences between the phases of life of parents with preschoolers and retired grandparents. The demands, troubles, and joys are completely different in these vastly different seasons.
And just as our lives go through different seasons as we grow and mature, our hearts and souls go through different seasons, periods where the needs and experiences of our hearts are unique. Sometimes these heart seasons are heavily influenced by life events; the loss of a loved one, the consuming joy of a new love, distance in key relationships, or times of financial blessing. Other times these heart seasons seem to come organically from our hearts themselves. Nothing significant is happening, but our hearts feel abnormally dry and sad, or inexplicably bursting with joy.
Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 says, “There is a time for everything, and a season for every activity under the heavens: a time to be born and a time to die, a time to plant and a time to uproot, a time to kill and a time to heal, a time to tear down and a time to build, a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance, a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them, a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, a time to search and a time to give up, a time to keep and a time to throw away, a time to tear and a time to mend, a time to be silent and a time to speak, a time to love and a time to hate, a time for war and a time for peace.”
I see great value in identifying the season of life we are in. In fact, I believe that some of the pain we experience comes from denying the reality of the season we are in and trying to live as though we were in a different period. For example, I was recently talking to some of the most generous people I know. They are currently in a season where the demands of their family and marriage are high, and they are worn out. They are beginning to see that they cannot live like they could in the last season they walked through, where their family demands were lighter and they had more time and more emotional resources. It can be difficult to make those adjustments, to see the phase you are in and recognize that in some ways you may need to reprioritize.
Similarly, you may take a step back and realize that the season of life you are in comes with an abundance of resources. Perhaps you no longer have children living at home, and you find yourself with some extra hours in the day. Perhaps you are in a period of peace and abundance in your family, and you see that you could open your home to friends and community members.
Some of the wisdom of Ecclesiastes 3 is in recognizing that there many different seasons, seasons of life and seasons of the heart. There is a time to give and a time to receive, a time to weep and a time to rejoice, a time to spend and a time to save, a time to save and a time to give. These seasons are temporary. Some feel very short, like fall in New England, which seems to evaporate quickly into winter. Some feel very long, like the first months of a new baby’s life where parents get very little sleep. But all are passing and temporary, and the season you are in now will soon pass to another. What season are you living? What are the unique needs and limitations you experience for this season, and how can you give yourself grace as you walk through it? What resources and abundance do you have to share as you journey through this unique season of your life?
Monday, November 8, 2010
Offering Support
Have you ever had a friend who was hurting or struggling and you wanted to help but didn’t know what to do? Maybe you even asked, “How can I help? What can I do?” and your friend didn’t really have an answer. We don’t want to invade or push boundaries, and so we end up just watching, feeling helpless when all we want to do is be helpful.
In extreme situations, like death and tragedy, people seem to know what to do to offer love, support, and help. In the best case scenarios friends and families “circle the wagons,” churches rush in to help, and people feel well-loved and cared for. But sometimes it is hard to know how to best love someone who is in pain. This is certainly true when there is no tragedy present, but life is just hard. We see our friends hurting, and we want be supportive, we’re just not sure what to do. We offer to help, ask our friends if they need anything, and say all the kind words we can think of. We tell our friends we’re praying for them, and we do. These are wonderful places to start, but sometimes we’re left feeling like we want to do more, we just don’t know what.
There are ways that we can practically love and support someone who is struggling, who is walking through a difficult time. The first step is to think about what you know about your friend. I have found three questions very useful in trying to determine how to best support someone. First, what is their personality type? Do they open their home to anybody or are they more private? Do they seem energized by social gatherings, or do they highly prize their alone time? A person who is extroverted and loves to get out may be encouraged by an impromptu dinner with friends or a “Girl’s Night Out.” A more introverted individual may appreciate your help in clearing space in their life for some alone time, whether by offering babysitting or helping with some household chores.
Second, how does this person tend to offer help to others? Often the ways that we love others offers important information about how we want to be loved. Does your friend always send thoughtful cards or flowers? Are they the first to show up with a home-cooked meal or to hug someone who is crying? These may be the very ways that your friend would best receive love and support.
And finally, think about things you know your friend likes. Is your friend’s day brightened by a fountain drink from the gas station? Does she treat herself with a chocolate dessert on Friday nights? Is music an important part of his life? These preferences and idiosyncrasies can serve as a springboard for excellent ideas on how to best encourage and bless your friend.
Maybe you don’t know the answers to these questions, or are still feeling uncertain about what to do. I have spent time with a lot of people who are in pain, and I have heard many stories about how others have offered care and support. There are certain things that almost everyone appreciates and interprets as loving and supportive.
• Make a meal. If possible, make something that can be frozen or will last in the refrigerator for a few days. This way they can eat it whenever they want it.
• Is the person you want to help a parent with young children? Offer to babysit. If the children are young and still need naps, it might be most helpful to go to the person’s house and watch the kids there while the parent(s) run errands, get coffee, take a nap, take a shower…or whatever else they want and need to do.
• Send or bring flowers. With very few exceptions, everyone (even men!) appreciates getting flowers.
• Tell them you would like to clean their house, not because you saw it and thought it was messy, but because you would like to love them in this way. If they say yes, bring your own cleaning supplies and go to town.
• Buy them a gift certificate for a dinner out, a manicure, a massage, a shopping trip…anything you think they would enjoy.
• Call and check in on a regular basis. Ask for updates, ask how you can help, and let them know you are thinking of them.
• Send a card.
• Offer to spend time together.
• Listen when they want to talk.
• When you are out running errands, give them a call and ask if you can pick anything up, perhaps a prescription at the pharmacy or a few groceries.
• Bake and deliver cookies.
These are just some of the many practical, real ways that you can express love to someone who is going through a hard time. Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Other ways that someone has helped you through a hard time?
In extreme situations, like death and tragedy, people seem to know what to do to offer love, support, and help. In the best case scenarios friends and families “circle the wagons,” churches rush in to help, and people feel well-loved and cared for. But sometimes it is hard to know how to best love someone who is in pain. This is certainly true when there is no tragedy present, but life is just hard. We see our friends hurting, and we want be supportive, we’re just not sure what to do. We offer to help, ask our friends if they need anything, and say all the kind words we can think of. We tell our friends we’re praying for them, and we do. These are wonderful places to start, but sometimes we’re left feeling like we want to do more, we just don’t know what.
There are ways that we can practically love and support someone who is struggling, who is walking through a difficult time. The first step is to think about what you know about your friend. I have found three questions very useful in trying to determine how to best support someone. First, what is their personality type? Do they open their home to anybody or are they more private? Do they seem energized by social gatherings, or do they highly prize their alone time? A person who is extroverted and loves to get out may be encouraged by an impromptu dinner with friends or a “Girl’s Night Out.” A more introverted individual may appreciate your help in clearing space in their life for some alone time, whether by offering babysitting or helping with some household chores.
Second, how does this person tend to offer help to others? Often the ways that we love others offers important information about how we want to be loved. Does your friend always send thoughtful cards or flowers? Are they the first to show up with a home-cooked meal or to hug someone who is crying? These may be the very ways that your friend would best receive love and support.
And finally, think about things you know your friend likes. Is your friend’s day brightened by a fountain drink from the gas station? Does she treat herself with a chocolate dessert on Friday nights? Is music an important part of his life? These preferences and idiosyncrasies can serve as a springboard for excellent ideas on how to best encourage and bless your friend.
Maybe you don’t know the answers to these questions, or are still feeling uncertain about what to do. I have spent time with a lot of people who are in pain, and I have heard many stories about how others have offered care and support. There are certain things that almost everyone appreciates and interprets as loving and supportive.
• Make a meal. If possible, make something that can be frozen or will last in the refrigerator for a few days. This way they can eat it whenever they want it.
• Is the person you want to help a parent with young children? Offer to babysit. If the children are young and still need naps, it might be most helpful to go to the person’s house and watch the kids there while the parent(s) run errands, get coffee, take a nap, take a shower…or whatever else they want and need to do.
• Send or bring flowers. With very few exceptions, everyone (even men!) appreciates getting flowers.
• Tell them you would like to clean their house, not because you saw it and thought it was messy, but because you would like to love them in this way. If they say yes, bring your own cleaning supplies and go to town.
• Buy them a gift certificate for a dinner out, a manicure, a massage, a shopping trip…anything you think they would enjoy.
• Call and check in on a regular basis. Ask for updates, ask how you can help, and let them know you are thinking of them.
• Send a card.
• Offer to spend time together.
• Listen when they want to talk.
• When you are out running errands, give them a call and ask if you can pick anything up, perhaps a prescription at the pharmacy or a few groceries.
• Bake and deliver cookies.
These are just some of the many practical, real ways that you can express love to someone who is going through a hard time. Do you have other ideas to add to the list? Other ways that someone has helped you through a hard time?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)