Secrets

This week a 9-year-old was talking to me about secrets. He very seriously informed me that there are good secrets and there are bad secrets. Good secrets are pieces of information that you choose not to repeat out of respect for someone’s privacy. They involve information that is in no way dangerous, hurtful, or harmful. Bad secrets are pieces of information that do have the potential to hurt or harm, or that report something dangerous. A good secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she thinks Jim is cute, but she doesn’t want anyone else to know. A bad secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she stole Jim’s toy. I thought these were very good rules for secrets, and a part of my longed for the days when the distinction between “good secrets” and “bad secrets” was so well-defined.


In a grown-up world, it’s rarely that simple. Where are the privacy lines drawn? What is the difference between being secretive and being private? How do you decide what is more hurtful: betraying a confidence or keeping quiet? And what about when the potential hurt or harm is emotional and relational, and seems very hard to predict?

I think secrets are dangerous and almost always harmful. I’m clearly not talking about “Sarah thinks Jim is cute” secrets or “I bought my sister this great birthday present” secrets. I’m talking about real, grown-up relational and family secrets. Secrets about everything from alcoholism to loneliness to eating disorders to hurt feelings. Secrets about traumatic pasts, unsatisfying presents, and fearful futures. Your own thoughts, longings, and fears, things that eat at you but never get spoken. The things told to you in confidence that feel like a burden of knowledge you’re not sure what to do with.

These secrets are dangerous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, very few things stay secret forever. It is a terrible thing to live in fear that a secret will be exposed. It is also terrible when a secret is exposed in an unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted way. Second, I believe that unspoken secrets have power. In its very nature, a secret is powerful. Once it is spoken it loses its power. Allowing secrets to dwell in our lives gives them power over us and our relationships. This is a dangerous thing. And finally, I do not believe that secrets are of the Lord. 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.” Secrets are hidden in the dark, cobwebbed corners of our hearts. Allowing these dark corners to remain keeps the light of Christ out of our hearts.

I challenge you to think about the things that are consciously unspoken in your life. The things that nag at your heart and weigh you down, the things that feel dark and hidden. Secrets may feel shameful and embarrassing. What kind of power do these secrets have over you and your relationships? Then, prayerfully consider if you should share this secret, and if so, how, when, and with whom. It is important to choose safe places to share your secrets. A safe, wise person can provide useful counsel about how to proceed once you have begun the process of exposing what has been hidden.

John 12:46 “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” We are called to live in the light, and it’s a call worth pursuing.

Living on Purpose

Have you ever been driving somewhere and suddenly you’re at your destination, but you have no idea how you got there? You kind of blanked out, and before you know it, you’ve arrived, but you completely missed the journey. It’s a pretty common experience, and sometimes we don’t just have short drives like that, we have entire days. We crawl into bed and wonder where the day went, how we spent our time. Some people experience much of their lives that way, looking back on weeks and months and years with few memories and very little awareness of the journey.


I’m sure there are certain temptations to living on autopilot, but the most obvious is that it is easy. It is infinitely easier to coast through, doing what needs to be done each day and zoning out as much as possible whenever possible.
The problem is that if you live like this, you miss life. You miss everything. And what’s more, the world misses you. Ephesians 2:10 says “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God created in advance for us to do.” I’ve cited this verse before, and I’m sure I will again. God made you, and He has specific, unique purposes for your life. It is possible that you could do these things while on autopilot. It is incredibly likely that you would miss many opportunities, many connections, and much joy. Once again, I am talking about the call to live an engaged, connected, and meaningful life, and to live it on purpose.

Part of this call means living intentionally. By becoming aware of your days and your minutes, of your experiences and emotions and behaviors, you can become more actively engaged in your life. There is power in intention. Imagine that at the end of a long, hard day you decide to take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and curl up on the couch. You have the option of going through the motions, zoning out and letting the evening slip away. Or, you could think about the shower, soft clothes, and time relaxing as a way to take care of yourself. You could think about it as recharging your batteries, finding refreshment after a day that drained you. The intention can make a world of difference in your experience. Similarly, imagine that your two year old is throwing yet another temper tantrum. Are you just managing the fit, trying to survive until bed time? Or are you aware that you are nurturing and training your child, helping him or her to become the person they were made to be? Once again, the intention can make a world of difference in your experience.

So how do you become more aware, of both your experiences and your intentions? First of all, become aware of the narrative of your life. Take a step back and look at your life like you would a book or a movie. You are the main character. What is your purpose? What obstacles are in your way? What purposes and intentions do you want in your life, and what actions do you take to reflect these to the world? Once you are aware of this narrative, work to keep it going. A journal can be a great tool. Writing things down helps to cement them in our memory, which increases our awareness. Maybe you’re not a writer, but you love to take pictures or scrapbook. Work on these activities for every day life, not just special occasions. Take pictures of your walk with your dog, scrapbook a day at the park. If none of these ideas fits for you, perhaps you could work on verbal recollections. Just identifying a high point and low point of the day can help keep the narrative running, and can keep you aware of the life you are living.

In addition to become aware of the narrative of your life, I encourage you to become aware of the purposes behind your behaviors. Think about why you do the things you do, and think big picture. Why are you having dinner with your friend tonight? Maybe it’s because investing in relationships is important to you, and this dinner provides the opportunity to strengthen a friendship that you value. This is helpful even in the most mundane daily activities. Why are you going grocery shopping when you really do not want to go? So that you can provide food and nourishment for your family. Grocery shopping is another way to communicate love and care and to provide for the people you love. Becoming aware of your purposes and intentions can add meaning to your days, keeping them from blending seamlessly into one another.

There are times when autopilot is not a bad thing. There are times when you pull in your driveway and feel happy to be home, regardless of how you got there. However, this is no real way to live a life. Live with purpose, intention, and meaning. There is much to be gained from the journey.

Comfort

There are many places we can find comfort when we are hurting, when we are grieving. It seems that in times of loss and grief, we find comfort most powerfully through our senses. Through the warm hug of a friend, the taste of a meal prepared with love, the beauty of a walk outdoors, the familiar chords of a beloved hymn. Something about these experiences touches us in a place words cannot.


I know this is true, and not just because I have observed it or learned it academically. I am grieving right now, in the process of saying goodbye to someone I love very, very much. So, in lieu of more academic, devotional, or clinical thoughts, I want to share with you a song that is bringing me comfort right now. It brings comfort not only through its warmth and familiarity, but through the truth it speaks to my heart.  May it bring comfort and peace to you as well.

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross
The emblem of suffering and shame
How I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where His glory forever I'll share

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

The Power of Gentleness

A few days ago my 17-month-old son had a total melt-down. It had been kind of a rough morning, and he wanted to do something that was both dangerous and against the rules, and I told him no. He told me no. He cried. He lay on the ground and screamed. I felt very tempted to do the same. I was at a loss. I took a breath and a step back and looked at the little boy throwing a complete fit.


I picked him up and carried him upstairs. I turned off the lights and picked up his special blanket, and we sat in the rocking chair. I told him that I knew he was sad and angry, and we sat and rocked. And to my surprise, it helped. The angry cry turned to softer sobs, which gradually faded away. For a very long time (at least in toddler land) he sat still, cuddled on my lap. Eventually he looked up at me and smiled, and we were back on track. I’m still not totally sure what was going on for him that morning, but I know that at that moment what he needed was gentleness.

This incident got me thinking about the power of gentleness. The dictionary defines gentle as considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender, not harsh or severe. Sometimes what we need, what our world needs, is gentleness. In Matthew 11:28-29 Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” In 1 Kings 19 Elijah is desperately seeking wisdom and encouragement from the Lord. He is presented with a violent wind, a terrible earthquake, and a blazing fire, but the Lord is not in any of these forces. Then Elijah hears a “gentle whisper,” and there he meets with the Lord.

We live in a culture that often values and awards those who act like the wind, earthquake, and fire. And, there is a time when I believe we are called to act with bold, decisive force. And there is also a time when we are called to use our strength in a tender and considerate matter, to love and nurture with all the power we possess.

Where in your world is gentleness needed? Maybe it is with the friend whose complaining is wearing you down; perhaps what she most needs is compassion and support. Maybe it is with the spouse who you notice is looking tired and worn out; perhaps he or she needs a cup of tea or a backrub. Maybe it is the teenager who is pushing boundaries and handing out attitude; perhaps he or she just needs to be heard, seen, and valued. And, maybe it is with yourself. Perhaps you are going through a hard time right now, and all you are doing is pushing yourself harder and placing more demands on yourself. Maybe you need grace and gentleness for yourself. One thing I’ve seen over and over again is that the gentler we are with ourselves, the more grace we extend to our own hearts, the more able we are to be gentle and gracious with others.