Secrets

This week a 9-year-old was talking to me about secrets. He very seriously informed me that there are good secrets and there are bad secrets. Good secrets are pieces of information that you choose not to repeat out of respect for someone’s privacy. They involve information that is in no way dangerous, hurtful, or harmful. Bad secrets are pieces of information that do have the potential to hurt or harm, or that report something dangerous. A good secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she thinks Jim is cute, but she doesn’t want anyone else to know. A bad secret is if your friend Sarah tells you she stole Jim’s toy. I thought these were very good rules for secrets, and a part of my longed for the days when the distinction between “good secrets” and “bad secrets” was so well-defined.


In a grown-up world, it’s rarely that simple. Where are the privacy lines drawn? What is the difference between being secretive and being private? How do you decide what is more hurtful: betraying a confidence or keeping quiet? And what about when the potential hurt or harm is emotional and relational, and seems very hard to predict?

I think secrets are dangerous and almost always harmful. I’m clearly not talking about “Sarah thinks Jim is cute” secrets or “I bought my sister this great birthday present” secrets. I’m talking about real, grown-up relational and family secrets. Secrets about everything from alcoholism to loneliness to eating disorders to hurt feelings. Secrets about traumatic pasts, unsatisfying presents, and fearful futures. Your own thoughts, longings, and fears, things that eat at you but never get spoken. The things told to you in confidence that feel like a burden of knowledge you’re not sure what to do with.

These secrets are dangerous for a multitude of reasons. First of all, very few things stay secret forever. It is a terrible thing to live in fear that a secret will be exposed. It is also terrible when a secret is exposed in an unexpected, unplanned, and unwanted way. Second, I believe that unspoken secrets have power. In its very nature, a secret is powerful. Once it is spoken it loses its power. Allowing secrets to dwell in our lives gives them power over us and our relationships. This is a dangerous thing. And finally, I do not believe that secrets are of the Lord. 1 John 1:5 says, “God is light, in Him there is no darkness at all.” Secrets are hidden in the dark, cobwebbed corners of our hearts. Allowing these dark corners to remain keeps the light of Christ out of our hearts.

I challenge you to think about the things that are consciously unspoken in your life. The things that nag at your heart and weigh you down, the things that feel dark and hidden. Secrets may feel shameful and embarrassing. What kind of power do these secrets have over you and your relationships? Then, prayerfully consider if you should share this secret, and if so, how, when, and with whom. It is important to choose safe places to share your secrets. A safe, wise person can provide useful counsel about how to proceed once you have begun the process of exposing what has been hidden.

John 12:46 “I have come into the world as a light, so that no one who believes in me should stay in darkness.” We are called to live in the light, and it’s a call worth pursuing.

Living on Purpose

Have you ever been driving somewhere and suddenly you’re at your destination, but you have no idea how you got there? You kind of blanked out, and before you know it, you’ve arrived, but you completely missed the journey. It’s a pretty common experience, and sometimes we don’t just have short drives like that, we have entire days. We crawl into bed and wonder where the day went, how we spent our time. Some people experience much of their lives that way, looking back on weeks and months and years with few memories and very little awareness of the journey.


I’m sure there are certain temptations to living on autopilot, but the most obvious is that it is easy. It is infinitely easier to coast through, doing what needs to be done each day and zoning out as much as possible whenever possible.
The problem is that if you live like this, you miss life. You miss everything. And what’s more, the world misses you. Ephesians 2:10 says “For we are God’s workmanship, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God created in advance for us to do.” I’ve cited this verse before, and I’m sure I will again. God made you, and He has specific, unique purposes for your life. It is possible that you could do these things while on autopilot. It is incredibly likely that you would miss many opportunities, many connections, and much joy. Once again, I am talking about the call to live an engaged, connected, and meaningful life, and to live it on purpose.

Part of this call means living intentionally. By becoming aware of your days and your minutes, of your experiences and emotions and behaviors, you can become more actively engaged in your life. There is power in intention. Imagine that at the end of a long, hard day you decide to take a shower, put on some comfortable clothes, and curl up on the couch. You have the option of going through the motions, zoning out and letting the evening slip away. Or, you could think about the shower, soft clothes, and time relaxing as a way to take care of yourself. You could think about it as recharging your batteries, finding refreshment after a day that drained you. The intention can make a world of difference in your experience. Similarly, imagine that your two year old is throwing yet another temper tantrum. Are you just managing the fit, trying to survive until bed time? Or are you aware that you are nurturing and training your child, helping him or her to become the person they were made to be? Once again, the intention can make a world of difference in your experience.

So how do you become more aware, of both your experiences and your intentions? First of all, become aware of the narrative of your life. Take a step back and look at your life like you would a book or a movie. You are the main character. What is your purpose? What obstacles are in your way? What purposes and intentions do you want in your life, and what actions do you take to reflect these to the world? Once you are aware of this narrative, work to keep it going. A journal can be a great tool. Writing things down helps to cement them in our memory, which increases our awareness. Maybe you’re not a writer, but you love to take pictures or scrapbook. Work on these activities for every day life, not just special occasions. Take pictures of your walk with your dog, scrapbook a day at the park. If none of these ideas fits for you, perhaps you could work on verbal recollections. Just identifying a high point and low point of the day can help keep the narrative running, and can keep you aware of the life you are living.

In addition to become aware of the narrative of your life, I encourage you to become aware of the purposes behind your behaviors. Think about why you do the things you do, and think big picture. Why are you having dinner with your friend tonight? Maybe it’s because investing in relationships is important to you, and this dinner provides the opportunity to strengthen a friendship that you value. This is helpful even in the most mundane daily activities. Why are you going grocery shopping when you really do not want to go? So that you can provide food and nourishment for your family. Grocery shopping is another way to communicate love and care and to provide for the people you love. Becoming aware of your purposes and intentions can add meaning to your days, keeping them from blending seamlessly into one another.

There are times when autopilot is not a bad thing. There are times when you pull in your driveway and feel happy to be home, regardless of how you got there. However, this is no real way to live a life. Live with purpose, intention, and meaning. There is much to be gained from the journey.

Comfort

There are many places we can find comfort when we are hurting, when we are grieving. It seems that in times of loss and grief, we find comfort most powerfully through our senses. Through the warm hug of a friend, the taste of a meal prepared with love, the beauty of a walk outdoors, the familiar chords of a beloved hymn. Something about these experiences touches us in a place words cannot.


I know this is true, and not just because I have observed it or learned it academically. I am grieving right now, in the process of saying goodbye to someone I love very, very much. So, in lieu of more academic, devotional, or clinical thoughts, I want to share with you a song that is bringing me comfort right now. It brings comfort not only through its warmth and familiarity, but through the truth it speaks to my heart.  May it bring comfort and peace to you as well.

The Old Rugged Cross

On a hill far away stood an old rugged cross
The emblem of suffering and shame
How I love that old cross where the dearest and best
For a world of lost sinners was slain

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

O that old rugged cross, so despised by the world
Has a wondrous attraction for me
For the dear Lamb of God left His glory above
To bear it to dark Calvary

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

Then He'll call me some day to my home far away
Where His glory forever I'll share

So I'll cherish the old rugged cross
Till my trophies at last I lay down
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown
I will cling to the old rugged cross
And exchange it some day for a crown

The Power of Gentleness

A few days ago my 17-month-old son had a total melt-down. It had been kind of a rough morning, and he wanted to do something that was both dangerous and against the rules, and I told him no. He told me no. He cried. He lay on the ground and screamed. I felt very tempted to do the same. I was at a loss. I took a breath and a step back and looked at the little boy throwing a complete fit.


I picked him up and carried him upstairs. I turned off the lights and picked up his special blanket, and we sat in the rocking chair. I told him that I knew he was sad and angry, and we sat and rocked. And to my surprise, it helped. The angry cry turned to softer sobs, which gradually faded away. For a very long time (at least in toddler land) he sat still, cuddled on my lap. Eventually he looked up at me and smiled, and we were back on track. I’m still not totally sure what was going on for him that morning, but I know that at that moment what he needed was gentleness.

This incident got me thinking about the power of gentleness. The dictionary defines gentle as considerate or kindly in disposition; amiable and tender, not harsh or severe. Sometimes what we need, what our world needs, is gentleness. In Matthew 11:28-29 Jesus says, “Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls.” In 1 Kings 19 Elijah is desperately seeking wisdom and encouragement from the Lord. He is presented with a violent wind, a terrible earthquake, and a blazing fire, but the Lord is not in any of these forces. Then Elijah hears a “gentle whisper,” and there he meets with the Lord.

We live in a culture that often values and awards those who act like the wind, earthquake, and fire. And, there is a time when I believe we are called to act with bold, decisive force. And there is also a time when we are called to use our strength in a tender and considerate matter, to love and nurture with all the power we possess.

Where in your world is gentleness needed? Maybe it is with the friend whose complaining is wearing you down; perhaps what she most needs is compassion and support. Maybe it is with the spouse who you notice is looking tired and worn out; perhaps he or she needs a cup of tea or a backrub. Maybe it is the teenager who is pushing boundaries and handing out attitude; perhaps he or she just needs to be heard, seen, and valued. And, maybe it is with yourself. Perhaps you are going through a hard time right now, and all you are doing is pushing yourself harder and placing more demands on yourself. Maybe you need grace and gentleness for yourself. One thing I’ve seen over and over again is that the gentler we are with ourselves, the more grace we extend to our own hearts, the more able we are to be gentle and gracious with others.

The Inner Monologue

Most of us have a constant monologue running in our heads, a stream of consciousness filled with thoughts, observations, judgments, questions, and explanations. While most of us know intellectually that this exists, we are relatively unaware of it much of the time. At random moments we may think about what we’re thinking about, but it’s rare.


This may seem like a rather academic and philosophical topic, but it’s actually very important and highly relevant to our daily lives. You see, that monologue is how you explain your world. It is how you understand and interpret what you experience, and it has a direct impact on your behavior.

For example, imagine that you plan to have lunch with a new friend. She calls the day before you planned to meet and says that a work meeting came up and she will have to reschedule. You pick another date, and that day she calls an hour before you plan on getting together and says that she’s very sorry but she’s not feeling well and will need to reschedule again. These are the facts. Your inner monologue helps you understand and interpret them. You may decide that she must not really want to get together with you or build a friendship. You may infer that she is a very busy person and doesn’t have time for you. Or, you may think it is just coincidence that she had to cancel twice, and go ahead and reschedule a third time. Which explanation, or story, you choose will impact how you react to your new friend and whether or not you continue to pursue the relationship.

Most of the time we are completely unaware of this process. We jump straight from the facts to our judgments and conclusions. A driver cuts you off in traffic. “What a jerk,” you think. Your spouse is late coming home from work. “He must be avoiding spending time with me and the kids.” We forget that these conclusions come from both the event and from our thoughts about the event.

Remembering this can make a world of difference. It’s worth repeating: In marriage, parenting, relationships, work, and even casual social interactions, our response is both a response to the situation and a response to the way we are thinking about the situation. And, the way we think about a situation is influenced by our mood that day, how much energy we have to devote to the topic, our personality, our history, and myriad of other sources. Just keeping this concept in mind can decrease defensiveness, make it easier to listen, and decrease negative judgments you quickly make about others.

There are several related ideas that can also be helpful to keep in mind. There can be great wisdom in remembering that we don’t have all of the information. Because we don’t know all of anyone else’s thoughts, feelings, motives, behavior, or past experiences, we never have all the information about someone else. Frequently we don’t even have most of the information.

Second, there can be great wisdom in remembering that we could be wrong. The conclusions that we have drawn may be inaccurate. It’s humbling to remember this, particularly in emotionally-charged interactions where we are convinced we are not wrong. However, as human beings, the possibility always remains. You could be wrong.

And finally, I find it helpful to try and offer alternate explanations, or stories, in addition to the ones that immediately come to mind. Your spouse is home late from work, and one possibility is that he is avoiding you. Another is that traffic was bad, and though he left on time, he is arriving home late. Another is that they were short-staffed at work and he had to work late in order to finish up the day’s tasks. Another is that he stopped on the way home to pick up ice cream. These alternate possibilities can help diffuse some of the emotional intensity and allow you to approach the conflict more calmly and openly.

So, I challenge you to become aware of your inner monologue, of the thoughts and conclusions you are drawing about other people. Pay particular attention in conflicts or when you find yourself drawing harsh judgments about someone else. Ask yourself what story you are telling yourself, how you are filling in the blanks to jump from the facts to your conclusion. Remind yourself that you could be wrong. Offer alternative explanations. And, when appropriate, share your story with the other person. Ask them if your judgments and assumptions are correct, and listen closely to their response. You may find that they have a very different story to tell.

Going Through

One of my favorite children’s books is “We’re Going on a Bear Hunt,” by Michael Rosen. The story tells of a father and his four brave children who cross all kinds of treacherous terrain in their search of a bear. Their refrain is:

We’re going on a bear hunt
We’re going to catch a big one
What a beautiful day
We’re not scared

In their journey they come across many obstacles- mud, a snowstorm, a forest, a river, a cave. At each obstacle they exclaim “Oh oh!” and then plunge ahead.

We can’t go over it
We can’t go under it
Oh no! We have to go through it

And they do.


Isn’t that what happens in any adventure that we undertake? A new job, a relationship, a big trip, a major life change? We see the adventure and we dare to move forward. And then we face obstacles, and they look scary. Romance is a thrilling proposition, but working through conflict can feel a lot like scrambling through a pit of mud. Becoming a parent can be one of the most thrilling experiences in life, but night after sleepless, fussy night can feel a lot like a deep, dark cave. Relationships are one of life’s greatest blessings, but facing a river of grief caused by loss or betrayal can be overwhelmingly painful.

And our tendency is to hide from these obstacles. They are hard, they are scary, and the process of going through them may not feel good. Have you ever played hide and seek with a two year old? They believe that if they can’t see you, you can’t see them. Some of the time they believe that if they are behind something (no matter how small a something) you can’t see them. Well, our hiding is about as effective. We avoid the conflicts in a friendship, but that does not make the conflict go away, and the relationship stays stuck, a frustrating source of stress and unhappiness. We feel called to a life change, maybe a move or change in vocation, but we ignore the call because we fear the difficulty inherent in such an uncertain transition.

But the brave little family in the story was on to something. Sometimes you cannot go over an obstacle, you cannot go under an obstacle, you just have to go through it. It’s true with emotions, with grief, with conflicts, and with trials. The only way out is through.


Perhaps you have been hiding and know that there is a conflict, emotion, or obstacle that you need to go through. Or perhaps you haven’t been given a choice, and you are currently in the “through.” What is helpful in times like this?

• Do not try to go through alone. When you feel vulnerable and overwhelmed it is particularly difficult to ask for support, and it is absolutely essential that you do so.


• Remember that you are going through something difficult, but there is another side to this. This will not last forever. A friend recently told me one of her favorite quotes: “Now is not forever.” This is certainly true from an eternal perspective, but it is (usually) true in an earthly perspective as well. You will laugh and enjoy the sun again.


• Be sure to take care of your basic needs: eat, sleep, and move. It takes energy to “go through.”


• Take it one day, one hour, one minute, one step at a time. Many times we feel totally incapable of handling a task or journey, but we can handle the immediate step we need to take.

Isaiah 43:2 says “When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; and when you pass through the rivers, they will not sweep over you. When you walk through the fire, you will not be burned; the flames will not set you ablaze.”

Maybe you can’t go over it. Maybe you can’t go under it. Maybe you have to go through it. But no matter what you are going through, you are not going through it alone.

Communication in Marriage Seminar

Exciting Announcement!
Beginning in October, we will be offering monthly seminars at the Upper Valley Compassionate Care Center.  The seminars will be held the first Tuesday of the month, from 7-9 p.m.  For more information and to register, contact us at (603)219-6835 or at uppervccc@gmail.com.  Or feel free to contact me directly via facebook, e-mail, phone, or in person.

October 2010 Workshop

Improving Communication in Marriage- Strategies for Building a Stronger Marriage

Tuesday, October 5

7-9 p.m.

$20/individual              $30/couple

Communication is a crucial part of every marriage. It is important in good times, hard times, periods of conflict, and times of change and transition.  This seminar will help you learn how to communicate most effectively with your spouse.  We will address:

 

· Resolving conflict

· Decision-making

· Apologizing

· Using communication to strengthen your marriage

· Listening

 

Registration deadline is 9/30/10

 

And, coming in November:  Raising A Spirited Child.  Details coming soon!