Last Thursday I could not get my toddler to put his pants on. He wanted to run around in his diaper, socks, and shirt. I wanted him to wear the pants. It is the end of January in Vermont, and it’s cold. I refused to wrestle with him; he refused to let me put them on without a struggle. It was not a good moment, and I ended up in tears. The thing is that it wasn’t just his rejection of the pants. On most days, this would be a minor issue. It was the cumulative effect of a number of teeny, tiny little things that added up.
Isn’t that how it often is? It’s the little things that make you cranky, that weigh you down, that leave you feeling like you are dragging a bag of rocks behind you. These are the things that lead to tears, harsh words, and emotional meltdowns.
I have watched people walk through trials and impossibly difficult seasons, live through trauma and tragedy. These times are excruciatingly hard and undeniably painful. Support and care is essential, and many times a community will gather around the person who is suffering. There are times when these experiences leave their own battle wounds, and there are times when the person who is suffering walks out stronger and more sure than ever before.
But there is a different kind of pain and struggle that comes from the little injuries of daily life. Sleepless nights with a young child, ugly words spoken in the context of a loving relationship, rain that leaves the hems of your pants wet for hours, being left out of a social engagement you badly want to be a to be a part of. These are minor issues, yet they add up and leave their own battle wounds. These are the little pains that leave us dull and burdened, dragging through a life we would rather explode through.
Someone once told me that these little burdens added up to a “slow death.” If that is true, than I believe there is also another, brighter side to the coin. If the small pains have the power to slowly seep the life out of us, than I believe that the small joys also hold great power. If it is the little things that can ruin a day, than it is the little things that can help redeem it.
Luke 12:6-7 says, “Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don’t be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows.” I had my hair cut yesterday, and the floor was quickly covered in clippings. If God says that He has each of those hairs numbered, that He knows which ones were cut and which ones I lost in the shower this morning, then I wholeheartedly believe that He is in all the details, in all the little things.
I believe that He is in the perfectly warm morning cup of coffee, the sun shining through the icy tree branches, and the soft burning of the wood stove. I believe He is in the unexpected phone call from a friend, in the snuggle from a child, and in the crisp freshness of clean sheets. I believe He is in each of the beautiful, comforting, and pleasant moments that sneak into even the most challenging of days. And I believe that in all of these teeny, tiny little moments He is reminding us of His love and His goodness.
The things about these little miracle moments is that they can be easy to overlook. The little burdens seem impossible to ignore, seem to scream and shout in our faces. The little joys whisper softly in our ear. We need special eyes to see the blessed little moments, special ears to hear their whisper.
If you want to be more open and aware of these little moments, it takes a special mindfulness and intentionality. I encourage you to pray that you would be open to these moments, that you would not miss one of the whispers God is sending you. Pray while you are brushing your teeth or putting your contacts in, preparing your mind and heart for the day as you prepare your body. Then, look for these moments. It seems that recognizing and appreciating these moments is a skill that gets strengthened with practice. Once you see your favorite song on the radio as a gentle reminder that you are loved, it will become easier to be aware of the other little reminders all around you. Then, write them down. Write down the beauty and comfort you find in the little moments, and revisit the list when the small burdens become overwhelming.
This increased awareness can help reveal the power of the little joys. We can fill ourselves up on these little joys and their message, a reminder that the little burdens are not the final word. We can soak them in and carry them with us, strengthening us to press through the tiny arrows and hear all that the little moments have to say.
Monday, January 31, 2011
Monday, January 24, 2011
Magic Words
There are very few truly magical words, phrases that when genuinely expressed unfailingly improve a conversation. But there are some. There are some words that almost always diffuse tension, draw relationships closer, and improve communication. These words seem to shorten the intensity and duration of almost any argument, and help turn a conflict into an opportunity to deepen and strengthen a relationship. The only caveat is that the person expressing these words needs to mean them, and cannot be using them as a manipulative ploy or an attempt to exit the conversation as quickly as possible. If these requirements are meant, truly amazing things can happen.
What are these magic words? They are really quite simple, four common words that are rarely spoken together. These words are: I could be wrong. One of the most magical things about these words is that they don’t always even need to be spoken out loud. Just keeping the mindset that I could be wrong can dramatically decrease the intensity, duration, and frequency of arguments.
Why are these four little words so powerful? When we keep the perspective that we could be wrong, we tend to be much kinder in our arguments, much more willing to listen to another person’s perspective. Many conflicts are miscommunications, and the source of the misunderstanding is often never uncovered. A husband swears he told his wife he made plans to spend time with friends on Saturday; she is convinced she never heard a peep about these plans. Did he not say it? Did she forget he said it? They will most likely never know. If both partners kept the perspective that the error could be, at least partially their responsibility, the argument will be much shorter and much less intense.
Other conflicts involve a different kind of misunderstanding. We interpret each other’s behaviors, and attribute the behavior to the explanation that makes the most sense to us. Two friends are having a pleasant phone conversation, and one suddenly becomes quiet and then says she has to go. The other friend assumes that she inadvertently said something offensive and that her friend is mad. Perhaps this is true, perhaps there is another reason altogether for the quick cut-off. We can never fully know another’s thoughts, motives, and emotions. Therefore, we could always be wrong about the interpretations we make and the inferences we draw. Perhaps if the woman knew exactly what was going on in her friend’s thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, she would come up with a completely different explanation for her behavior. Keeping in mind that our interpretations could be inaccurate can make a world of difference.
There are also conflicts that arise due to simple differences in opinion. During election time, two family members may choose to vote for different candidates. One friend may endorse the idea of letting an infant cry it out at bedtime while another friend disagrees completely. If a topic generates opinions, then there are bound to be millions of them. When differences of opinion exist, debate and conflict often ensue. If we can keep in mind that while we strongly endorse our opinions, we are limited human beings with imperfect interpretations of the world, we can honestly say that we could be wrong. This allows us to truly listen to another person and engage in a kinder, more productive conversation.
When spoken, these words can be extremely powerful. I have seen an argument come to a screeching halt because one person hesitantly offered, “I suppose I could be wrong.” This person did not think that they were wrong. In fact, they wholeheartedly believed that they were in the right. But, by humbly acknowledging that it was possible that they could be wrong, some tension immediately left the room.
The problem is that we do not like to admit that we could be wrong. We don’t think we are wrong, and we desperately want to prove that we are right. Here is where I give it to you straight: you could always be wrong. I could always be wrong. This is simply a function of being human. To deny this fact is nothing more than pride.
So I challenge you to start keeping these four little magic words somewhere in the back of your mind. When a conflict arises, practice saying them to yourself, over and over. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. This thought is not meant to change your position on an issue or spur you to walk away from a conflict. It is not meant to encourage you to back down from taking an action you are convinced is best. What it does is soften your heart, give you ears to listen, and bring you to a more humble and compassionate place. And after all, isn’t that in itself a bit of magic?
What are these magic words? They are really quite simple, four common words that are rarely spoken together. These words are: I could be wrong. One of the most magical things about these words is that they don’t always even need to be spoken out loud. Just keeping the mindset that I could be wrong can dramatically decrease the intensity, duration, and frequency of arguments.
Why are these four little words so powerful? When we keep the perspective that we could be wrong, we tend to be much kinder in our arguments, much more willing to listen to another person’s perspective. Many conflicts are miscommunications, and the source of the misunderstanding is often never uncovered. A husband swears he told his wife he made plans to spend time with friends on Saturday; she is convinced she never heard a peep about these plans. Did he not say it? Did she forget he said it? They will most likely never know. If both partners kept the perspective that the error could be, at least partially their responsibility, the argument will be much shorter and much less intense.
Other conflicts involve a different kind of misunderstanding. We interpret each other’s behaviors, and attribute the behavior to the explanation that makes the most sense to us. Two friends are having a pleasant phone conversation, and one suddenly becomes quiet and then says she has to go. The other friend assumes that she inadvertently said something offensive and that her friend is mad. Perhaps this is true, perhaps there is another reason altogether for the quick cut-off. We can never fully know another’s thoughts, motives, and emotions. Therefore, we could always be wrong about the interpretations we make and the inferences we draw. Perhaps if the woman knew exactly what was going on in her friend’s thoughts, feelings, and surroundings, she would come up with a completely different explanation for her behavior. Keeping in mind that our interpretations could be inaccurate can make a world of difference.
There are also conflicts that arise due to simple differences in opinion. During election time, two family members may choose to vote for different candidates. One friend may endorse the idea of letting an infant cry it out at bedtime while another friend disagrees completely. If a topic generates opinions, then there are bound to be millions of them. When differences of opinion exist, debate and conflict often ensue. If we can keep in mind that while we strongly endorse our opinions, we are limited human beings with imperfect interpretations of the world, we can honestly say that we could be wrong. This allows us to truly listen to another person and engage in a kinder, more productive conversation.
When spoken, these words can be extremely powerful. I have seen an argument come to a screeching halt because one person hesitantly offered, “I suppose I could be wrong.” This person did not think that they were wrong. In fact, they wholeheartedly believed that they were in the right. But, by humbly acknowledging that it was possible that they could be wrong, some tension immediately left the room.
The problem is that we do not like to admit that we could be wrong. We don’t think we are wrong, and we desperately want to prove that we are right. Here is where I give it to you straight: you could always be wrong. I could always be wrong. This is simply a function of being human. To deny this fact is nothing more than pride.
So I challenge you to start keeping these four little magic words somewhere in the back of your mind. When a conflict arises, practice saying them to yourself, over and over. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. I could be wrong. This thought is not meant to change your position on an issue or spur you to walk away from a conflict. It is not meant to encourage you to back down from taking an action you are convinced is best. What it does is soften your heart, give you ears to listen, and bring you to a more humble and compassionate place. And after all, isn’t that in itself a bit of magic?
Monday, January 17, 2011
Structure and Spontaneity
My husband is quite possibly the least physically flexible person in New England. Ask him to touch his toes and he can just about reach his knees. However, he possesses one of the most flexible natures I’ve ever seen. Spontaneously ask him to hang out or help out and nine times out of ten he will say yes. That one time that he says no, it’s usually because I’ve told him it won’t work with our schedule. Because I am not all that flexible. I love schedules, plans, and predictability. Together we make a very good team, though it is a constant learning process to work together and bring out the best in one another instead of just getting frustrated. Both his tendency toward flexibility and my inclination toward structure can lead to problems. Structure on its own leads to rigidity, while flexibility unfettered leads to chaos.
Just like everyone has a natural preference toward introversion or extraversion, everyone has a natural predilection for structure or spontaneity. Those who prefer structure and order are the list-makers among us, the ones attached to their planners and calendars. As parents, they are more likely to work with their children to establish a predictable schedule, having meals, naps, and bedtime at the same time everyday. They do not enjoy surprises and feel best when they know what to expect and how to prepare for it. In fact, sometimes the lack of structure can create a sense of anxiety.
The people who prefer spontaneity operate very differently. They enjoy surprises and feel bored if life is too predictable. They often cannot tell you what their week will hold, or what they have planned for their non-work hours. Too much structure can feel burdensome to them. They can go with the flow, roll with the punches. However, they may struggle to plan ahead and find themselves scrambling at the last minute. They may feel unorganized and unprepared for events as they arise.
Some people may hear the words “structure” and “spontaneity” and automatically assume one is superior to the other. Many people hear and value the preference that is not their natural inclination. As a person who tends toward structure, spontaneity sounds rather scary to me, but also a bit magical and much more fun. However, I have very spontaneous friends who constantly feel that they do not measure up because they lack what they feel is sufficient structure in their life.
We need both spontaneity and structure to function optimally. Too much structure, without room for change and flexibility, and we can become rigid. We lose opportunities to really connect with other people, and we miss the beautiful, unplanned moments in life. Life can become about checking off items on a To Do list instead of about fully participating in the events and experiences before us. Too much spontaneity and our life can melt into chaos. We fail to fulfill responsibilities and obligations in a timely manner. We are always putting something off or scrambling to get something done before it’s too late. Life becomes so much about the moment that we do not prepare for the future or set the boundaries that we and those we love need in order to feel safe.
We need a balance of structure and spontaneity to help us avoid rigidity and chaos. Dan Siegel describes this balance as a river, with rigidity and inflexibility on one bank and chaos and turmoil on the other. You want to learn to navigate the river smoothly in order to avoid getting stuck on one shore or bouncing directionless between the two. Imagine a baseball game. The players need to know the rules in order to play the game. They need to grasp the basic structure of the game, know the boundaries of the field, and understand the position they are playing. Without these rules, the game would just be a group of people with some sports equipment. However, the players also need to be able to respond flexibly to each play, to watch what happens and decide whether or not to swing at that pitch, when to run and when to keep their base. The game requires flexibility and responsiveness.
The same is true with our daily lives. We need structure to move meaningfully and productively through our lives, and we need to be able to flexibly respond to the changing demands and experiences of our day. For example, it can be tremendously helpful to have a meal plan for the week, so that dinner is planned out for each day. However, an unexpectedly hectic day, surprise company, or even a change in taste buds can lead to a change of plans. And that change in plans can be okay.
I challenge you to take a moment and assess the balance of structure and spontaneity in your life. Here are some questions to aid in the process:
• How would you describe your personal preference? Do you lean more toward structure or spontaneity? How would other people describe you?
• How does your personal style benefit your life and help you function at your best?
• How does your personal style create problems for you?
• Do you find yourself missing deadlines, frequently arriving late for meetings or appointments, or failing to fulfill obligations? How can you add some structure into your life to avoid this?
• Is there room in your life for the unexpected? Do you ever feel like you are living to check things off your list instead of actively engaging the world? What happens when your plans don’t work out? How can you add some flexibility to your life?
Just like everyone has a natural preference toward introversion or extraversion, everyone has a natural predilection for structure or spontaneity. Those who prefer structure and order are the list-makers among us, the ones attached to their planners and calendars. As parents, they are more likely to work with their children to establish a predictable schedule, having meals, naps, and bedtime at the same time everyday. They do not enjoy surprises and feel best when they know what to expect and how to prepare for it. In fact, sometimes the lack of structure can create a sense of anxiety.
The people who prefer spontaneity operate very differently. They enjoy surprises and feel bored if life is too predictable. They often cannot tell you what their week will hold, or what they have planned for their non-work hours. Too much structure can feel burdensome to them. They can go with the flow, roll with the punches. However, they may struggle to plan ahead and find themselves scrambling at the last minute. They may feel unorganized and unprepared for events as they arise.
Some people may hear the words “structure” and “spontaneity” and automatically assume one is superior to the other. Many people hear and value the preference that is not their natural inclination. As a person who tends toward structure, spontaneity sounds rather scary to me, but also a bit magical and much more fun. However, I have very spontaneous friends who constantly feel that they do not measure up because they lack what they feel is sufficient structure in their life.
We need both spontaneity and structure to function optimally. Too much structure, without room for change and flexibility, and we can become rigid. We lose opportunities to really connect with other people, and we miss the beautiful, unplanned moments in life. Life can become about checking off items on a To Do list instead of about fully participating in the events and experiences before us. Too much spontaneity and our life can melt into chaos. We fail to fulfill responsibilities and obligations in a timely manner. We are always putting something off or scrambling to get something done before it’s too late. Life becomes so much about the moment that we do not prepare for the future or set the boundaries that we and those we love need in order to feel safe.
We need a balance of structure and spontaneity to help us avoid rigidity and chaos. Dan Siegel describes this balance as a river, with rigidity and inflexibility on one bank and chaos and turmoil on the other. You want to learn to navigate the river smoothly in order to avoid getting stuck on one shore or bouncing directionless between the two. Imagine a baseball game. The players need to know the rules in order to play the game. They need to grasp the basic structure of the game, know the boundaries of the field, and understand the position they are playing. Without these rules, the game would just be a group of people with some sports equipment. However, the players also need to be able to respond flexibly to each play, to watch what happens and decide whether or not to swing at that pitch, when to run and when to keep their base. The game requires flexibility and responsiveness.
The same is true with our daily lives. We need structure to move meaningfully and productively through our lives, and we need to be able to flexibly respond to the changing demands and experiences of our day. For example, it can be tremendously helpful to have a meal plan for the week, so that dinner is planned out for each day. However, an unexpectedly hectic day, surprise company, or even a change in taste buds can lead to a change of plans. And that change in plans can be okay.
I challenge you to take a moment and assess the balance of structure and spontaneity in your life. Here are some questions to aid in the process:
• How would you describe your personal preference? Do you lean more toward structure or spontaneity? How would other people describe you?
• How does your personal style benefit your life and help you function at your best?
• How does your personal style create problems for you?
• Do you find yourself missing deadlines, frequently arriving late for meetings or appointments, or failing to fulfill obligations? How can you add some structure into your life to avoid this?
• Is there room in your life for the unexpected? Do you ever feel like you are living to check things off your list instead of actively engaging the world? What happens when your plans don’t work out? How can you add some flexibility to your life?
Monday, January 10, 2011
Attitude Adjustment
This morning my 20-month-old son woke up on the wrong side of the crib. It was still dark outside and we were on temper tantrum number 3 of the morning. I bent over to pick up the sippy cup of milk he had thrown on the floor and said, “Buddy, I need you to snap out of it.” He looked at me and said “Mama, snap out it.”
And he was right. I needed to snap out of it just as much as he did. At 6:15 on Monday morning I was already feeling like it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and quite possibly a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. We both needed what my parents used to call an Attitude Adjustment. I can’t tell you how many times as a pre-teen I was told that I needed an Attitude Adjustment, yet despite all that practice, it is still hard.
It is hard to take a bad mood and let it go, to choose to smile when you want to growl. It is hard to remember all the myriad things you have to be thankful for when the frustrations of the day loom large. Long lines, traffic jams, cranky co-workers, fussy babies, burnt suppers, and messy houses can all throw us off in a major way. In fact, more often than not, it is these so called “minor annoyances” that ruin our days, and not the major catastrophes and disasters we most fear.
So how do we do it? How do we snap out of it, have an Attitude Adjustment? I’d like to offer a few suggestions. A first step is to take a look at your attitude and try and understand why it is what it is. My bad attitude this morning had to do with starting my day at 5:30, being tired, feeling overwhelmed by all I had to do today, and dreading some correspondence I knew was coming later in the day. Once you have identified the stressors, annoyances, and problems that are contributing to your mood, stop and identify any steps you can take to ease them. Is there anything in your power that you can do to alter the situation? If so, take these steps. If not, there can be relief in acknowledging that you have done all you can and at this moment the best you can do is move on with your day.
Next, take a mental scan of your body. Take some slow, deep breaths and begin down at your toes. Gradually move up from your feet all the way to the top of your head, taking inventory of each part as you go. Is there tension somewhere? If your neck is tight, do some gentle neck rolls and give yourself a mini-massage. If your shoulders are tense, tighten the muscles and then gradually release them. The trick here is starting the Attitude Adjustment with your body, and then moving inward.
Once you’ve identified and relaxed any tension you are carrying in your body, turn the focus inward. Your next task is to remind yourself that you are more than the current situation. You may feel frustrated or overwhelmed at the moment, but this is not who you are. These feelings will pass. Some people find it helpful to visualize a deep ocean. At the top the waves may be huge, as the water swirls and froths in a storm. But deep down there is peace and calm. If you can look beyond the waves of the day to the bigger picture, you can often find that calm.
As you are reflecting on the bigger picture, take a few moments to pray. Ask the Lord to give you His peace. In my experience, peace and joy are often entirely absent in the midst of a bad attitude. And yet, Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” And, in Acts 14:17 it says, “Yet he (God) has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.” Ask Him to fill you with His joy and peace and to help you move your focus away from the stressors of the moment and onto Him.
If possible, after your time of prayer, take a moment to recharge. Quickly engage in an activity that you find energizing. Most of the time when we’re in a bad mood we do not have time to fully recharge…if we had time to sit back and relax we probably wouldn’t be in the bad mood in the first place. However, you can usually find a moment for self-care, whether that’s in the form of a cup of coffee, lighting a candle, turning on a favorite CD, or texting a friend to ask for prayer. These quick interventions can help you switch gears and give you an emotional energy boost.
And finally, the best antidote for a bad mood is gratitude. It becomes much easier to change our perspective when we take our eyes off of our frustrations and stressors and focus them on what we are thankful for. Even if you feel indescribably grumpy, it is hard not to smile when listing blessings in your life. Remarkably, this also appears to be an excellent way to avoid falling into the bad mood in the first place. So list 10 things you are thankful for in that moment, on that day.
Saying “snap out of it” is easy. Even a toddler can do it. However, actually having an Attitude Adjustment can be very challenging. What are some of your strategies for letting go of a bad mood?
And he was right. I needed to snap out of it just as much as he did. At 6:15 on Monday morning I was already feeling like it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day and quite possibly a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad week. We both needed what my parents used to call an Attitude Adjustment. I can’t tell you how many times as a pre-teen I was told that I needed an Attitude Adjustment, yet despite all that practice, it is still hard.
It is hard to take a bad mood and let it go, to choose to smile when you want to growl. It is hard to remember all the myriad things you have to be thankful for when the frustrations of the day loom large. Long lines, traffic jams, cranky co-workers, fussy babies, burnt suppers, and messy houses can all throw us off in a major way. In fact, more often than not, it is these so called “minor annoyances” that ruin our days, and not the major catastrophes and disasters we most fear.
So how do we do it? How do we snap out of it, have an Attitude Adjustment? I’d like to offer a few suggestions. A first step is to take a look at your attitude and try and understand why it is what it is. My bad attitude this morning had to do with starting my day at 5:30, being tired, feeling overwhelmed by all I had to do today, and dreading some correspondence I knew was coming later in the day. Once you have identified the stressors, annoyances, and problems that are contributing to your mood, stop and identify any steps you can take to ease them. Is there anything in your power that you can do to alter the situation? If so, take these steps. If not, there can be relief in acknowledging that you have done all you can and at this moment the best you can do is move on with your day.
Next, take a mental scan of your body. Take some slow, deep breaths and begin down at your toes. Gradually move up from your feet all the way to the top of your head, taking inventory of each part as you go. Is there tension somewhere? If your neck is tight, do some gentle neck rolls and give yourself a mini-massage. If your shoulders are tense, tighten the muscles and then gradually release them. The trick here is starting the Attitude Adjustment with your body, and then moving inward.
Once you’ve identified and relaxed any tension you are carrying in your body, turn the focus inward. Your next task is to remind yourself that you are more than the current situation. You may feel frustrated or overwhelmed at the moment, but this is not who you are. These feelings will pass. Some people find it helpful to visualize a deep ocean. At the top the waves may be huge, as the water swirls and froths in a storm. But deep down there is peace and calm. If you can look beyond the waves of the day to the bigger picture, you can often find that calm.
As you are reflecting on the bigger picture, take a few moments to pray. Ask the Lord to give you His peace. In my experience, peace and joy are often entirely absent in the midst of a bad attitude. And yet, Jesus said, “Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid.” And, in Acts 14:17 it says, “Yet he (God) has not left himself without testimony: He has shown kindness by giving you rain from heaven and crops in their seasons; he provides you with plenty of food and fills your hearts with joy.” Ask Him to fill you with His joy and peace and to help you move your focus away from the stressors of the moment and onto Him.
If possible, after your time of prayer, take a moment to recharge. Quickly engage in an activity that you find energizing. Most of the time when we’re in a bad mood we do not have time to fully recharge…if we had time to sit back and relax we probably wouldn’t be in the bad mood in the first place. However, you can usually find a moment for self-care, whether that’s in the form of a cup of coffee, lighting a candle, turning on a favorite CD, or texting a friend to ask for prayer. These quick interventions can help you switch gears and give you an emotional energy boost.
And finally, the best antidote for a bad mood is gratitude. It becomes much easier to change our perspective when we take our eyes off of our frustrations and stressors and focus them on what we are thankful for. Even if you feel indescribably grumpy, it is hard not to smile when listing blessings in your life. Remarkably, this also appears to be an excellent way to avoid falling into the bad mood in the first place. So list 10 things you are thankful for in that moment, on that day.
Saying “snap out of it” is easy. Even a toddler can do it. However, actually having an Attitude Adjustment can be very challenging. What are some of your strategies for letting go of a bad mood?
Monday, January 3, 2011
Bittersweet
Yesterday I said goodbye to my parents and siblings, and watched them tearfully say goodbye to my 19-month-old son. It hurt to say goodbye and to see the hurt reflected in the eyes and tears of those I love so dearly.
And yet, as much as the pain stung, I would not trade it for anything. For me, it’s a good kind of sadness, because it means I love deeply and am deeply loved. If my life did not include this sadness, it would mean that it lacked the depth and intensity of love that brings me such joy and happiness. There is sweetness to the pain, a beauty that gives texture and meaning to the word “bittersweet.”
I believe that there are many experiences in life that bring us emotions that are both painful and undeniably good; good in a way that is pure, right, and meaningful. When you witness an injustice and feel a profound anger that moves you to action, that anger is uncomfortable but also deeply good. When you say a final goodbye to a believer who has lived, loved, and served long and well, there is a joy to the farewell that exists amidst the tears. When you embark on a new adventure and step boldly into the unknown, there is excitement and energy existing alongside the fear and doubt.
It can be tempting to try to build a life where we do not experience uncomfortable emotions, where we try to block out as much sadness, anger, and fear as we possibly can. I see people try to build this life in several ways. Some people try to avoid all experiences that could trigger these emotions. They live as safe and small as possible, building walls against change, adventure, and depth of relationship. Others feel the tug of the emotions but deny their existence, choosing only to acknowledge and address the positive emotions. They try to only express and experience the emotions that feel good, effectively blunting both the painful and meaningful emotions. And, others try to anesthetize themselves against the pain, through addictions, distractions, and unawareness. By refusing to stop and feel, they avoid the pleasant and the unpleasant elements of their emotional experience.
And the truth is, if you block out the painful emotions, you block out the beautiful ones as well, at least in their most magnificent forms. It may not seem fair or fun, but it is how the heart works. The people who are the healthiest and most genuinely satisfied with their lives are the people who have learned to let in life’s deep experiences and relationships and the complex, integrated emotions that come with.
These people seem to know some secrets, some truths about living fully and living well. They do not try to ignore or minimize the intensity of the emotions, and they are able to step back from them and see them as what they are. They can see the beauty in the pain, the joy in the sadness, the righteousness in the anger, and the excitement in the fear. They see the good things wrought in the pain, and they see that the pain will not last forever. They have a perspective larger than the moment and larger than the pain. They also know that these emotions do not need to be felt and experienced alone. There is something indescribably powerful about sharing a strong emotional experience. We do not need to mourn, rage, or rejoice alone. We can do it alongside others. And, we can invite others to walk through difficult places with us, supporting us along the way.
And so, I encourage you to open your heart and your arms to scenes like the one my family played out at the airport yesterday. Open your eyes to the beauty that can exist right next to painful emotions. And, invite others to share these experiences with you. There is a deep goodness to be found.
And yet, as much as the pain stung, I would not trade it for anything. For me, it’s a good kind of sadness, because it means I love deeply and am deeply loved. If my life did not include this sadness, it would mean that it lacked the depth and intensity of love that brings me such joy and happiness. There is sweetness to the pain, a beauty that gives texture and meaning to the word “bittersweet.”
I believe that there are many experiences in life that bring us emotions that are both painful and undeniably good; good in a way that is pure, right, and meaningful. When you witness an injustice and feel a profound anger that moves you to action, that anger is uncomfortable but also deeply good. When you say a final goodbye to a believer who has lived, loved, and served long and well, there is a joy to the farewell that exists amidst the tears. When you embark on a new adventure and step boldly into the unknown, there is excitement and energy existing alongside the fear and doubt.
It can be tempting to try to build a life where we do not experience uncomfortable emotions, where we try to block out as much sadness, anger, and fear as we possibly can. I see people try to build this life in several ways. Some people try to avoid all experiences that could trigger these emotions. They live as safe and small as possible, building walls against change, adventure, and depth of relationship. Others feel the tug of the emotions but deny their existence, choosing only to acknowledge and address the positive emotions. They try to only express and experience the emotions that feel good, effectively blunting both the painful and meaningful emotions. And, others try to anesthetize themselves against the pain, through addictions, distractions, and unawareness. By refusing to stop and feel, they avoid the pleasant and the unpleasant elements of their emotional experience.
And the truth is, if you block out the painful emotions, you block out the beautiful ones as well, at least in their most magnificent forms. It may not seem fair or fun, but it is how the heart works. The people who are the healthiest and most genuinely satisfied with their lives are the people who have learned to let in life’s deep experiences and relationships and the complex, integrated emotions that come with.
These people seem to know some secrets, some truths about living fully and living well. They do not try to ignore or minimize the intensity of the emotions, and they are able to step back from them and see them as what they are. They can see the beauty in the pain, the joy in the sadness, the righteousness in the anger, and the excitement in the fear. They see the good things wrought in the pain, and they see that the pain will not last forever. They have a perspective larger than the moment and larger than the pain. They also know that these emotions do not need to be felt and experienced alone. There is something indescribably powerful about sharing a strong emotional experience. We do not need to mourn, rage, or rejoice alone. We can do it alongside others. And, we can invite others to walk through difficult places with us, supporting us along the way.
And so, I encourage you to open your heart and your arms to scenes like the one my family played out at the airport yesterday. Open your eyes to the beauty that can exist right next to painful emotions. And, invite others to share these experiences with you. There is a deep goodness to be found.
Monday, December 13, 2010
Introverts and Extroverts
My dear friend Jen called me this week and told me a story about her sweet 3-year-old daughter. Jen was talking to her daughter about their plans for the day, and she told her that two of her friends were coming over to play that afternoon. Her daughter is an introvert who often feels overwhelmed by large groups of people, and so in preparation Jen was clarifying that just two friends were coming over. Her daughter nodded and very seriously responded that she was glad it was only two friends, because having lots of friends over made her feel tired. This smart three year old was able to understand and articulate her preferences in a way that many adults cannot. I was impressed!
One of the most popular personality classifications describes people as introverts or extroverts. This classification is based on where people draw their energy from- their inside world or the outside environment. Introverts are energized by time alone, while extroverts are energized by time with others. Everyone has some introverted parts to them and some extroverted parts, yet everyone has a primary and dominant preference. So, while at some times and in some situations you may prefer alone time, if overall you feel energized and recharged by social interactions, overall you are an extrovert. Being an introvert or an extrovert is not good or bad, and one preference is not better than the other. These are personality descriptors that tell us how we best function and prefer to engage the world.
Introverts prefer to do things by themselves or with one or two special friends or family members. They enjoy time alone, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to function best. They usually prefer to process events, experiences, and conversations internally before they are able and willing to discuss them with someone else. They often have a strong sense of personal space and do not like people to sit or stand too close to them. One of my favorite lines from an introvert to her extroverted spouse is “I love you, and I can love you from over here!” as she scooted an inch or so more away from him on the couch. Introverts also prefer uninterrupted work time, where they can focus on the task in front of them without being distracted by others.
Extroverts prefer to do things with other people. They are energized by being in a group. They want to tell you about their experiences as soon as possible, and they often think by talking. Sometimes extroverts are surprised by what they are saying, as they verbalize something in the same instant that they become aware of the thought or emotion. Extroverts need a great deal of approval and affirmation. They are energized by time with people, feedback, and time to talk.
One of the biggest misconceptions I often hear about these personality types is that introverts are shy and retiring while extroverts are outgoing and gregarious. I have known several very outgoing introverts who are perfectly comfortable public speaking, interacting with a crowd, and meeting new people. However, these experiences tend to be very draining for them, and after a busy social time they need time alone to recharge. Conversely, a quieter extrovert may not be the life of the party and may be terrified by the idea of speaking in front of a large group of people. However, the extrovert needs social activities to feel energized and they think and process best through social and relational interactions.
I have found that for most people it is very helpful to understand themselves as an introvert or an extrovert. Understanding ourselves can help us take care of ourselves better. If introversion and extroversion are about where we derive energy, then they tell us about our energy needs. And, when we understand what energizes and depletes us, we can help monitor and care for our energy needs like we do our nutritional and sleep needs.
I know that some people read about “caring for your energy needs,” and immediately assume that it doing so is selfish or frivolous. But I would argue that by understanding how we best operate, we can prepare ourselves to love and serve most genuinely and effectively.
Let me provide two examples that are particularly relevant to this season. For an extrovert, winter in snowy climates (particularly rural, snowy climates) can be an unpleasant time. Weather may limit activities and make it hard to get out and engage in regular social activities. This lack of social interaction can leave an extrovert feeling empty, drained, cranky, and isolated. Understanding that these feelings may be coming from a lack of social interaction can be a helpful first step. And, taking steps to ensure regular relational interaction can keep some of these feelings at bay. You may set up weekly phone dates, be sure to take advantage of the days when the weather is good, or be more conscientious about making family time more of an engaging, social time instead of time spent together but not interacting.
Alternately, the holiday season can be very draining for an introvert. Christmas parties, time with extended family, and limited down time can be very taxing. The introvert may end up feeling exhausted, even on Christmas vacation. Understanding that you need some time alone can be crucial. You can try to find time for some alone time, even in the midst of a busy family vacation. You may volunteer to drive to the gas station to get milk, ask if you can sneak away for a 30 minute nap (where you may stay wide awake, but still have quiet time), or get up a bit early in the morning to enjoy the time before the chaos starts. These steps can help make your Christmas more enjoyable for you and help you engage others in a more kind, loving way.
Understanding your temperament and taking steps to meet your energy needs can help you better care for yourself and others. When you feel emotionally energized you can respond more patiently to stress, give more genuinely to those around you, and feel more relaxed and happy.
One of the most popular personality classifications describes people as introverts or extroverts. This classification is based on where people draw their energy from- their inside world or the outside environment. Introverts are energized by time alone, while extroverts are energized by time with others. Everyone has some introverted parts to them and some extroverted parts, yet everyone has a primary and dominant preference. So, while at some times and in some situations you may prefer alone time, if overall you feel energized and recharged by social interactions, overall you are an extrovert. Being an introvert or an extrovert is not good or bad, and one preference is not better than the other. These are personality descriptors that tell us how we best function and prefer to engage the world.
Introverts prefer to do things by themselves or with one or two special friends or family members. They enjoy time alone, and need a certain amount of alone time in order to function best. They usually prefer to process events, experiences, and conversations internally before they are able and willing to discuss them with someone else. They often have a strong sense of personal space and do not like people to sit or stand too close to them. One of my favorite lines from an introvert to her extroverted spouse is “I love you, and I can love you from over here!” as she scooted an inch or so more away from him on the couch. Introverts also prefer uninterrupted work time, where they can focus on the task in front of them without being distracted by others.
Extroverts prefer to do things with other people. They are energized by being in a group. They want to tell you about their experiences as soon as possible, and they often think by talking. Sometimes extroverts are surprised by what they are saying, as they verbalize something in the same instant that they become aware of the thought or emotion. Extroverts need a great deal of approval and affirmation. They are energized by time with people, feedback, and time to talk.
One of the biggest misconceptions I often hear about these personality types is that introverts are shy and retiring while extroverts are outgoing and gregarious. I have known several very outgoing introverts who are perfectly comfortable public speaking, interacting with a crowd, and meeting new people. However, these experiences tend to be very draining for them, and after a busy social time they need time alone to recharge. Conversely, a quieter extrovert may not be the life of the party and may be terrified by the idea of speaking in front of a large group of people. However, the extrovert needs social activities to feel energized and they think and process best through social and relational interactions.
I have found that for most people it is very helpful to understand themselves as an introvert or an extrovert. Understanding ourselves can help us take care of ourselves better. If introversion and extroversion are about where we derive energy, then they tell us about our energy needs. And, when we understand what energizes and depletes us, we can help monitor and care for our energy needs like we do our nutritional and sleep needs.
I know that some people read about “caring for your energy needs,” and immediately assume that it doing so is selfish or frivolous. But I would argue that by understanding how we best operate, we can prepare ourselves to love and serve most genuinely and effectively.
Let me provide two examples that are particularly relevant to this season. For an extrovert, winter in snowy climates (particularly rural, snowy climates) can be an unpleasant time. Weather may limit activities and make it hard to get out and engage in regular social activities. This lack of social interaction can leave an extrovert feeling empty, drained, cranky, and isolated. Understanding that these feelings may be coming from a lack of social interaction can be a helpful first step. And, taking steps to ensure regular relational interaction can keep some of these feelings at bay. You may set up weekly phone dates, be sure to take advantage of the days when the weather is good, or be more conscientious about making family time more of an engaging, social time instead of time spent together but not interacting.
Alternately, the holiday season can be very draining for an introvert. Christmas parties, time with extended family, and limited down time can be very taxing. The introvert may end up feeling exhausted, even on Christmas vacation. Understanding that you need some time alone can be crucial. You can try to find time for some alone time, even in the midst of a busy family vacation. You may volunteer to drive to the gas station to get milk, ask if you can sneak away for a 30 minute nap (where you may stay wide awake, but still have quiet time), or get up a bit early in the morning to enjoy the time before the chaos starts. These steps can help make your Christmas more enjoyable for you and help you engage others in a more kind, loving way.
Understanding your temperament and taking steps to meet your energy needs can help you better care for yourself and others. When you feel emotionally energized you can respond more patiently to stress, give more genuinely to those around you, and feel more relaxed and happy.
Monday, December 6, 2010
An Ode to No
As the mother of a 19-month-old, I hear and say the word “no” very frequently. In fact, I’ve decided that my assignment for people who say they have a hard time saying “no” is to spend a day with an active toddler. You get lots of practice!
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
When I was home for Thanksgiving my very wise father was hearing my son say no (quite possibly to something he actually did want) and he said, “Well, that’s a good word. Did you know that ‘no’ is a complete sentence?” To which my son replied, “No.”
I write this light-heartedly, but the truth is that many people do have a hard time saying no. For many of us, somewhere between being toddlers and adults, we lose our no. It becomes harder and harder to say no to the requests and demands of others. We feel selfish saying no, so we say yes even when we don’t want to.
No is an incredibly powerful word, and one that I feel does not get enough positive press. The word no enables us to set boundaries. It expresses our opinions and desires. It shows that we are a unique person with a unique perspective. And, I believe one of the most wonderful things about the word no is that it gives power to our yes.
It is not uncommon for people to have such a hard time saying no that they end up saying yes when they don’t mean it. We are frequently bombarded with requests, requests to help out, attend a function, plan an event, or give to a charity. And people who have a hard time saying no often end up saying yes to each of these requests. This leads to an overwhelmed and tired person living life at a manic pace. Does this sound familiar?
And the thing is, the more you say yes, the more people ask! You end up living a life where you say yes a thousand times, but inside you are silently screaming no. “No, I don’t have time to help with that! No, I wanted to spend that day with my family instead of participating in that event. No, no, no!” Each of these “no”s ends up unspoken, but not unexpressed. They end up spilling out in passive resentment, bitterness, and discontent.
In contrast, a person who feels comfortable saying no also has the power to say yes and genuinely mean it. They can “simply say ‘yes’ or ‘no’” (Matthew 5:37), and those who hear them can have confidence that their yes means yes and their no means no. They can be trusted to say what they mean. They can live and act genuinely from the heart, because they are able to speak the truth in love (Eph. 4:15). Instead of resentment, bitterness, and discontent, they can experience peace, rest, and joy. All from saying no when they mean no!
The real beauty here is that saying no when you mean no allows your heart and words to match. Saying yes when you mean no creates a dangerous incongruence that can damage your heart and your relationships. Here are a few tips for saying no when you mean no:
• When faced with a request, take a few minutes to think about what you want the answer to be. Do you have the resources and the desire to respond with a yes? Will saying yes to this request mean saying no to something else (ex. Committing to an evening event will mean not being home to put your children to bed.)? Where do you want to say yes and where do you want to say no? It is okay to ask for some time to consider a request, particularly one that requires a large investment of time, energy, or resources.
• Say no firmly, confidently, and kindly. Be direct and avoid vague responses like “well, if you can’t find anyone else…” or “I’d rather not, but if you really need help.” These responses pass the burden of responsibility back to the person making the request, and strip you of your own power and authority. It may momentarily feel easier than saying no, but it is dangerous to you and to the relationship.
• Remember that the word no can be a complete sentence. Particularly when someone is not respecting the boundary you are setting, no can be a sufficient answer.
• Learn to hear and respect no from others. Listen to how others say no in a way that feels healthy and honoring to the relationship. Learn from the example others set and set your own example for others to follow.
• Remember that it gets easier with practice. What at first may feel awkward will begin to feel more comfortable and natural as you gain experience and confidence.
For those still struggling with saying no, I recommend the book Boundaries by Cloud and Townsend. Or, you could always try spending a day with a toddler for some good practice. Either way, it’s worth some effort to learn to let your yes be yes and your no be no.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)